.Monday, August 10, 2009 @ 12:33 AM Y
.silence.
Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin On The ClubNow this be the last time you did me wrong,
No more laying up in your arms,
No calling, saying you want me back,
I'm packing my bags, what you think about that?
Stayed at home like a good girl do,
But tonight baby you got me sad and blue,
akio takanashi aki: bby..
akio takanashi aki: dis is myb to early for dis..
akio takanashi aki: but would u like 2 my baby?
akio takanashi aki: i mean my gf..
akio takanashi aki: i xske propose kat mcm nie actly..
frh alia.: oh
akio takanashi aki: i lg ske face 2 face..
akio takanashi aki: sbb 2 i nak jmpe u sgt2..He did it. Phat finally did what I knew would somehow come by in a matter of time.
I said no, not fer now. Not when I'm still desperately lost in my own feelings fer Amin. I felt awful, seeing the look on his face via webcam when I rejected him was enough to break me apart even more. I hate rejection, enough to actually not want to reject others. I feel crappy, I don't even know how I should even feel at the moment.
frh, bby.; & i screamed my lungs out at you & your pathetic lies yet you didn't listen & left me all alone. | flashback moments.I posted this in myspace last night. Apparently, I didn't know that particular status of mine caught a lot of attention of fellow myspacers. Even Phat got worried & asked me what happened once he got online, fer the fact tht he attempted to call me but couldn't reach me, cuz I had my phone off fer the past 2 days.
Last night I suddenly thought back of that day, when I went for the Sports Carnival. Where I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Was in kak Intan's bathroom at his house, when I overheard him talking over the phone to someone outside the window. Assumed it was some friend, until he used 'I' & 'you'. Kept silent & continued listening, eventually hearing the voice of a girl. Heard him 'kiss' that girl over the phone, & this very strong urge swept over me, wanting to grab the razor that was on kak Intan's sink & to just cut my wrist. I attempted to cry out loud & scream, but no sound came out.
Had to drive him back to Bangi after tht, & I was driving so violently, in a way that, if Amin & his friend weren't there, I would have deliberately crashed my car. Told him what I heard & started screaming at him. Yet again, as always, he had something to answer me back, again causing me to shut my mouth up instead of arguing.
Felt sick then, wanted to cry & scream, but I just couldn't. I felt terrible, fer the fact that, thinking back, I didn't have the right to even shout at him, he wasn't my boyf anymore, he could do wtvr he wants. But even so, it killed me to hear that conversation, especially when it was one that wasn't with me. It confused me badly, & even having him there leaning against me, touching my forehead & saying that he was done with tht girl didn't help at all. I was just so confused, & mad at myself, fer being so possessive, yet wanting to keep him with me.
I feel very, very fucked up at the moment. I currently feel incredibly guilty. Phat seems to love me a lot, & I wouldn't deny that I'm having the slightest feelings fer him, but it's just all so wrong. Webcamming with him every night, I don't see his face, I see Amin's. All those 'I love you' crap, everytime he says it, I'm reminded of Amin. When he texts or call me, I don't hear his voice, I hear Amin's.
Read his previous myspace statuses. How he mention quite a lot about me. At some point his mood was 'wants farah', while mine was 'wants casper'. Started crying, causing me to off my webcam fer a while. I still wonder why something so perfect could fall apart just like tht.
