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.Friday, July 31, 2009 @ 1:24 AM Y

Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - Come Home

We say it's okay to leave it alone,
But I want u to notice, this case isn't closed
Doors are open, the lights are left on,
And there's never a night I sleep,
With the dreams that I'd have if u never decided,
Decided to leave,
Decided, decided to leave.

There's never an ounce that I breathe,
without thinking about who I could have been with you,
There's never an ounce that I breathe,
without thinking about who I could have been if you didn't leave.

You say we can learn from this,
But I just don't know,
What to do without you anymore,
Your absence has taken it's toll on me,
What I should believe,
I just can't believe.

I'll wait for you,
if you'll never change,
I will be okay,
but I'll still stay up for you,
just in case you make the time for the right move.

Phat: You nak tau sumthing x? Mmg besh ouh klu dpt you sbgai girlf. Dlu I igt lg, mase you ngan bf you lg kan, you xkan lyn I klu I buzz you, then klu I try ngorat you ley gi sound I. Cam kerek gle je you haha. (what came nx in the conversation's irrelevant wtf)

Haha. Poyo la ayat ko by. Ayat xnak kalah kan. =.=

Just some random conversation from last night's call. I find it funny, how people can label me 'kerek' on the spot, as in very the lanci la wtf. & that's just based on pics wey! Sheesh. But I mmg damn kerek last time, especially in ym. Xsah kot klu xkene sound ngan aku psl bab2 ngorat ni haha. Now I still do that actually. Until some dude actually asked me why the hell I even bothered appearing online in ym when I don't even want to chat. Ske aku la bai. Pfft.

Meanwhile, now I really, really, REALLY lack of sleep. It's a wonder I'm not getting panda eyes yet, like Nick. Ngahaha. I can't sleep at night, & even if I do fall asleep, I'll surely wake up every single hour, fer one very stupid reason: to check my phone. Only God knows why I even bother, it's been months since I had late night calls & stuff really, not including last nite, where Phat (Fadhil) wat super savers every one hour or so just to 'kaco me'. Lol. This has been happening fer almost three months come to think of it. Which human being is actually like me really.

Nowadays I get very sentimental, thinking of the other things I have awaiting fer me in life, especially when now everything I wanted basically fell apart in front of my very eyes. Now life seems kinda meaningless, as if there's no longer much to look forward to in the days to come.

It's already August tmrw, I have finals on the way, it's fasting month, &, well, time is flying pass me. Finals fer God's sakes! Damn fast, I've already been in UTAR fer 3 months, finishing my first sem.

At this point, I hope fer miracles to happen. Fer once, I really want life to be how I wanted it to be. I've been ignoring this empty feeling in me fer quite some time now, it's taking a toll on me. Life's currently very lonely to me, despite the many people tht surround me to fill in my loneliness.

.Tuesday, July 28, 2009 @ 3:32 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Kristinia Debarge - Goodbye

Am I supposed to put my life on hold,
because you don't know how to act,
and you don't know where your life is going,
Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it,
I don't care if I never see you again,
I'll be alright,
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
but either way baby, I'm gone.

see tht? tht's how I do baby. ;)

Cut my hair cuz it reminded me of you,
I know you like the long-do,
Had to switch my attitude up.

Not fer now, I love my long hair. Wtf.

Had my Public Speaking presentation yesterday, a talk show. Yours truly became the host for my group. Haha. N'way, our topic was about cartoons. Not much really, the whole talk show was awesome, we got a 48/50 fer it (yeay to us!;D) & everyone had a great laugh from their host, Ms. Rara Haha. Credits to Nick & Jolyn fer coming out with the weird name. T_T

There's a video of the whole presentation with Jolyn, but I haven't gotten it from her yet, so when I do I'll upload it here. I, myself haven't seen how shitty I looked yet. Pfft. Meanwhile, did a lot of camwhoring, since it wasn't everyday we wore formal. Haha. Let the pics do the talking yea. ;)

Me & Jolyn, during English class.

This, was our commercial break, done by Nicholas with his webcam. Damn funny wey! *LOL* Everyone had a laugh, even Ms Sharon requested it to be replayed before class ended. & Ms Phaveena, our English lecturer, came in just to see it again. Haha wtf.
Oh, you'll hear me laughing a lot in the background. Wtf.

Our class, drawn by Chung How I think. (:

Yo sexay mama HAHA. Ms Sharon Chu, who wants us to call her ChuChu. :|

Happy Tree Family haha. Yee Juin & Kuan Sing at the back, & Yee Wan, Yee Kuan, & Khe Li. They were the other group to present yesterday.

Our group, Nick, Prajiv, Shu Min, & Jolyn.
Fiddling with the action cards. Lol.

Shu Min. (:
Her voice damn cute one, like budak kecik haha.

Here's the dude tht tman me on my very 1st LRT ride to Keramat haha.
Nick, class clown HAHA. But also one of the most hardworking ones. (:

Prajiv, the 'gay' dude. Gay = happy okeh!!

Teck Wang, Nick's sidekick. Haha lol.
Snooker player from JB, & everyone's best friend. (:

Khe Li! Always look sleepy one haha.

Yee Kuan. Once she opens her mouths & starts talking & laughing you can't help but laugh too. Haha.

Ye Wan, another one of the silent ones. (:

After our talk shows, Sharon played a game with us,where she whispered into Nick's ear about something, & he had to whisper it to the next person, & so on, sending the msg across the room. However the last person got the msg all wrong, so we all supposingly kene dende, have to dance like Nick. But, well, the video below explains what happened after tht. Lmao.

After classes dropped by Makbul in Taipan to lpak with some myspace dude. Then kene sound some dumb auntie, b'cuz I parked in front of her car & she had to wait. Aku kan vvip, kesah. HOHO. Then stupid police give me saman near UTAR cuz I supposingly park in some restricted area. Wtf weh, nak aku park katne lak, atas kpale korg? Xcam babi lak korg.

Fer someone in my current state right now, I shouldn't be driving. Especially not one whose mind is so darn disturbed. Only God knows how many times I almost crashed my car yesterday while driving, & in addition to suicidal thoughts in my head, thinking about the possibility tht I'll actually die in a car accident, well, yea.

Been thinking a lot about death lately. Ntah, fikiran dah kaw2 t'ganggu kot skrg. I just feel so fucked up, about everything. You think I have a life? I feel trapped inside my own world for heck's sake. I just wanna go far far away, away from everyone, & never come back.

Don't worry really, unless there's one day I completely disappear from the face of the Earth without a trace, well, until then there's nothing to worry about.

.Sunday, July 26, 2009 @ 3:09 PM Y

Currently tuning into: The Used - Liar Liar (Burn In Hell)

Liar, liar, pants on fire,
and the pills go down and get you higher baby,
bottles burning, mother fucker,
and the mother hates him like the daughter,
lonely god and maker gripping tighter saying,

you will burn in hell they say,
you will burn in hell!

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire,
Liar! Liar! Stop your soul from catching fire fire,
God and maker, liar! liar! pants on fire!

As expected, the past few days didn't really change anything now. Still no phone calls, no texts, nothing. I'm not stupid really, I expected it. Xpe, dah biase sgt, so I don't really need you to change in this case. Keep it up, I enjoy being ignored by you as you use your precious & limited credit on others than me, a person you love the most. If that's what love really is, then I suppose I was wrong about love all my 18 years of living. Maybe I've made you realise, that your biggest ever mistake was loving me, & having me love you. But I'll shut my mouth up right now, before I get accused of trying hard to force & push people around.

Nvm, I'll let those others bitches get the best of him fer now, I'll still rmbr what I cursed you fucking sluts. I don't live up to anyone's standards, I can say wtvr I want to, & no one is gonna bring me down, b'cuz I don't live in your life, you fucking live in mine.

Yea, I'm all fucked up fer no reason atm. I currently hate almost everyone. Please tell me it's this period coming. If it does.

The song Liar Liar by The Used. These are not the original singers. Some random dudes made this video. Damn awesome. Enjoy it. (:

.Saturday, July 25, 2009 @ 9:06 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - Heights

This is a lesson I know you'll never learn,
I know you'll never learn.

There's something running through my blood, takes hold of me,
It's taking me to heights you'll never see,
Yeah I'm your wildest dream,
There's something disturbing your sleep,
Well now you'll see,
Nothing's ever what it seems to be, now I'm all that you bleed.

I wonder why I always lose to your every word, when I know that I have so many things to say that could defend me. It's so unfair, I feel so trodden over at times. Everything's unfair, what did I ever do to deserve this? I don't deserve all this, I truly don't, I deserve so much better. Yet, I always wondered, what God's point is in making me endlessly experiencing this. After every ending comes another continuing story. It never does end. I don't want it to ever end, but I wonder what's the whole purpose of all this. I'm strong, I can still take it so far, but why me?? Why do You have to bring me down again everytime I successfully pull myself up?! God, I seriously want answers.

Drove to Bangi this morning, yet again. Syg had baseball training at Keramat, so he sent me to uni fer my exam, before going off to Keramat. Had Comp Studies exam today. Crappy really, didn'd read anything, so masing2 came up with our own grandmother stories & opinions. Haha. Was sitting in between Jolyn & John, & when Jolyn asked me I'd ask John, who would give some answers that he knew, which I would write down so tht Jolyn can copy. & we all started refering to each others papers to see if the answers were the same. Taktik kotor siot kitorg nih HAHA.

After that lepaked with Nick, Prajiv, Jolyn, Pei Yee, & Shu Min to discuss our Public Speaking & English assignments, which are due on Monday & Tuesday. Oh, didn't mention did I, about the talk show assignment? Well, tht's my assignment fer PS, a talk show, where I'm gonna be the host. Lol. Gonna have a video recorded, so I'll post it up in my blog if possible.

After that went to called syg up & asked him to come fetch me. Dropped by this field near my uni, where Amin told me about his experience there, his very first baseball training session. The field was huge, & he said that he had to run around the whole field last time, & practically fainted. Seeing the field itself & listeining to him made me feel the agonizing pain tht he went through in his training. Haha wtf. Then went to Low Yat Plaza to get an external hard disk, fer his Ayah. Got kinda fed up after being there fer a while, seeing computer accessories ALL over the place was definitely not what I wanted, especially after having tht exam. Lmao. Then went back to his house to have early dinner, & finally drove back to Bangi. Oh, drove back to Subang from Bangi in within half an hour. Xgle lak aku kan. Speed's definitely addictive, & I have no idea how I should dispose of it now.

Been feeling kinda down & moody lately. It's been nice getting to be with syg again, laughing & having him supposingly trying to seduce me in the car just now HAHA. He's the only person I can truly be myself with, 100%. But I just can't my head off those text msgs I've found. No problem with him having friends obviously, but, this is too far. 'Love you honey?' No one but me should be saying that to him, all those fucking cunts can go jump off a building fer all I care. & he shouldn't be saying tht to other people too. And and and...! Gahness.

I hate Sheeya, though if it wasn't fer her I wouldn't have realized what sort of person my boyf really was. I hate Mira, whoever the fuck she is. & I hate tht stupid Perak girl or wherever she's from, who apparently seems very fond of the thought of having sex with my boyf. Dahlah ayt2 cam gedik nak mampos, cam kimak je. I don't know who you are, & how you look like, but Whores like you burn in hell, did you know that? Get tht fucking cunt of yours somewhere further & leave my boyf alone God damnit. I do swear alot, but the swear words I use are limited, but in this case I don't mind calling you every single swear I know. Gah. Freaking skanks. Laki lain semue xmampos lg kan? Bf aku gak ko nak. Pfft, terase lak ngan ayat sendiri. T___T

Idfc anymore. I really, truly, swear to God that I don't fucking care what he does anymore, ever since we supposingly broke up, though now I guess I'll have to assume that we are still together. It's his life, I can barely handle my own already, so why should I care about what he does, especially when it affects me too?

I just hate the fact that he leads me on, giving me hope, yet crushing me completely. How can you even have the heart to fucking love me & be there for me when at the same time you do everything in your will to fucking hurt me? You think you feel pain, I feel more than torture. You think your messed up, I'm practically fucked up. You think your head's in a mess, mine's practically gone lost with confusion.

You need time to change? I still don't get it, it's been in my head since that night. In your case, what's so difficult about changing? It's not like smoking, it's not addictive. They don't even love you, why feel sorry for them? You said they know you have me, so why should they feel anything. Unless you love them too, then, well, I would wanna leave if that really is the case. All guys, are so darn confusing I would never understand them, ALL of them. Would it kill them to stop lying & coming up with excuses fer once?

I am, after all, a very demanding person, I want a lot, not just a little, I want everything, not just some, I want to the main, the priority, not just like any other. That's one thing I definitely WON'T change, so adapt to me, cuz I won't adapt to you in this case.

But as I said, I'm vulnerable, easy to manipulate. For once, I just want someone to listen to what I have to say, without criticizing & defending theirselves at every single word I say. To not make me feel as if I'm talking to a wall. I want to be heard, with the limited words & thoughts I can actually speak out loud about. I can never speak aloud, especially when I get so lost in what I want to say. Thus, you should know what my blog is here for.

Here are my words, always unspoken & kept in a corner, my corner.

As I said, I'm in a very foul mood at the moment. So sorry if my words offend anyone. Nak period dah kot. & lack of sleep is finally taking a toll on me. I haven't had a good night's sleep in more than a month now.

with nothing but your t- shirt on.

Syg left his shirt the other night when we went to MOS. Wore it to sleep last night. Haha. Shouldn't have given it back to him, I was so comfy wearing it. Lmao.

.Friday, July 24, 2009 @ 9:56 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Situations

Darling, what is going on?
Honestly, that never happened,
lying is your favorite passion,
Leave me, go where you belong,
Higher heels and lipstick napkins,
dying is your latest fashion.

Sooo. Fer this week huh?

Wednesday, 22nd July 2009.

Skipped classes & actually drove to Bangi to fetch syg. Xgle lak aku kan. HAHA. Had to send him back to Keramat to see the doctor; he came up with a terrible cough. So, after fetching him & his friend from KUIS went back to his hse in Keramat where he dropped me off & went to the clinic. Was very the tired, so dozed off fer awhile, & woke up to supposingly study Accs, well, only to end up sitting in the kitchen chitchatting with Umi & watching her cook. Hoho. After that sat down with her & had lunch. Yummm. Lol.

As it was 12 Amin's umi & I started panicking, it was getting late, I had to get to UTAR fer my test at 4.30, takot xsempat je, since I had to drop Amin back at Bangi. The 2 of us got so panicked tht we called Amin nonstop, who didn't answer, smartly leaving his phone in the car. He got back at 1, & had lunch. Over lunch Amin asked his umi if anyone else was getting married this yr & she said no, then he looked at me & asked when it was our turn. Basically tht is a normal question coming frm him, but it was scary when in front of umi. HAHA. All she did was smile knowingly, which made me feel like throwing pieces of chicken at Amin. Lol.

In the afternoon drove back to UTAR for my accs class, then went all the way back to Bangi. Drove back home in within an hr. Even Amin was kinda surprised at how fast arrived. Well, fer someone who drove 120km/h, what do you expect really. T__T

Fell in love with the comfy UTAR shirt. HOHO.

Thursday, 23nd July 2009.

Normal day really. Had accs lecture, & had to do a lot of questions. By the end of the two-hour lecture, everyone had basically done 3-4 questions, while Jo-lyn & I successfully solved ONE question. Bangge doh. HAHAHA. We suck at accs, & not afraid to admit it. Lmao.

Oh. Before that had Comp Studies tutorial. Sat next to Nick & had a fun time laughing at the most random things. Had this substitude tutor, who, well, nak kate English bgos mmg bgos, tp cam t'lalu try nak ckp cam mat salleh. Haha wtff. The way she pronounced certain people's names was hilarious, & basically we all had a fun time laughing.

Then at night Amin called & asked me if I wanted to go MOS. I was like, wtf, since when did this boyf of mine even let me go clubbing? Damn weird. N'way, at almost 9 drove to MOS & met up with him & his friends there. I wore this tube top & jacket, & when Amin saw me he was like, "Why are you wearing a jacket?" Wtfff. Apparently you can't wear a freaking jacket into clubs, one of the most ridiculous rules I've ever heard.

Went to lpak at some kdai mamak, while waiting fer 12am. Faced some problems in entering MOS, since I, fer one was under 18(they count the freaking mths wey!) & the other guys including Amin was under 21. Bottom line, by the end of the night, Amin's friends dumped him & me & somehow got inside while we both were so tired & bored we both went back home to sleep. Thus, my clubbing virginity is still intact HAHA.

After having this huge fight. Drama siot. T____T

Took his phone for the fun of it & browsed through his inbox. Found stuff which, well, was obviously what I knew was in store for me yet things I didn't want to see. It doesn't help seeing some other girl's name with a heart beside it, sending "Luv u honey" to my fucking boyf, in a way. Pe lg, mengamuk kot. I practically threw his phone on the table & shouted at him, before demanding to have my car keys back so that I could go home. It was enough for me to bear really, I may be "my fav" in his phone, but I'm sure that every other girlf would want to be the only main girl in their guy's life.

Then came this scene tht, well, in my opinion was something tht only those typical rempits near my house do with their girlfs during a fight wtf. He refused to give me my car keys, instead he went to my car & asked me to follow him. Then hell broke loose in the car, as a screaming match occured. Hohoho. After what felt like endless moments of shouting I decided to keep my mouth shut; I was nvr known fer arguing much, too many things were running through my mind tht it was almost impossible to shout everything aloud at him. I knew I'd never win anyway, despite knowing very much that a lot of what his said was basically crap tht any liars or idiots could come up with. Tp xpe, we'll see how far things can go, shouldn't we? Trying hard to change huh? I know how effort looks like when it passes me, so yea, xpe2, Farah Alia sabar je.

But of course, aku sumpah yg pompuan2 yg mengatal ngan balak aku xkan bahagia selagi dorg hidop. Pndi2 la cari blak sendiri, nak kaco org lain nye watpe? Korg jage2 la eh, if his words are true, I'll fucking curse y'all fer eternity, so don't expect true happiness you friggin bitches. I'll fucking curse y'all to be living hell fer the years to come. Sumpah hidop korg xkan aman. Kejam eh? Hah, no one knows just how close to evil I can really be.

Weird really, I don't even know what I should declare myself as. We've supposingly broken up, yet tht would be the last thing you'll actually assume when you see us together. & he still declares me as his girlf to his friends, which, in a way, would make sense, since basically if I wasn't his girlf I most probably wouldn't even be there. WTF. Pning sudaa. But wtvr it is, let's just see what else is in store fer me. Life's taken a whole twist & turn currently, & it kinda excites & frightens me to wonder what else is in store. One thing's fer sure though, this so-called breakup did have a few positive effects on me. Fer one, I think lesser of everything than usual. & I've emotionally detached myself from him. & life feels less of a burden, without thinking of all the other things out there.

I just want to be as happy like I was being with him last night. I'm sick of blaming everyone & feeling so fucked up & sick. I just want to be happy, that's not too much to ask isn't it?

.Saturday, July 18, 2009 @ 10:39 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Basshunter - I Miss You

I don't wanna feel the way that i do,
I just wanna be right here with you,
I don't wanna see, see us apart,
I just wanna tell you straight from my heart,
I miss you.

Watched Titanic just now, since Astro has a knack of repeatingly showing it all the time. Watched the ending actually. Cried like noone's business, like tht night I was crying fer hours, when eventually Amin called me to put me to sleep. Haha. & mummy was like "you crying ar Farah? Seriously, don't be so sentimental like me, it's bad," HAHA wtff. I love mummy, she's been my best friend lately, & fer always. <33

Meanwhile, my plan of going out last night xm'jd. Thanks to some 'good' friend of mine. Long story cut short, Bell called me up last night, ajk me lpak, then I told her I xjd go out, since Nad told me she couldn't go out. However, she told me that Nad was right beside her, causing me to go like, wtf. Nevermind then, wtvr really, not like I'm not used to getting tht sort of shit really.

After tht phone call, couldn't sleep, was really pissed; first you come perli me, cuz yea, I know, you're all that la kan, & then you give me all sorts of excuses of not being able to go out, untill finally, you just so happen to be out with your 'boyf', when basically, from what I know, your parents would rather let you out with me than with him, & tht you would never be able to go out, especially at 2am in the morning. How unethical (public speaking wtf).

Got pissed, like damn pissed, cause I was really looking forward to last night all week. I needed a break from university life & reality, & to hang out with friends & stuff, especially after breaking up with Amin. Could have gone out alone, planned to go MOS, but mlas, cuz by the time I got back from uni & Giant with mummy it was almost nine. N'way, got so frustrated, I sent texts to both Nad & Amin, saying thanks to them fer being my only loved ones, & the very ppl who just love breaking my heart. Only God knows why I even brought Amin up in the first place. Well, in frustration people do weird weird things don't they. Heh. So Amin called, & was like, wtf, & started ranting on about how he needed time to sort himself out & stuff, till I stopped him. Apparently he thought it was about our break up. He asked me what was wrong, & I kept quiet, until finally I told him what happened. Suddenly after me storying everything he was like "Jap2, nnt I call you back," & I had the weird feeling that he called Nad, to asked what happened or something. Well, I didn't know tht things were bound to get nasty.

Bottom line, Amin called Nad, asking her to forward my msgs & stuff, then, well, he started calling Bell & her names & go maki2, eventhough basically, Bell wasn't even involved. I don't really know the full story actually, hearing it from both sides, anything could have happened kan? After hearing from Bell about what apparently happened, Amin called.

Asked him what happened, & why the hell he had to go & call ppl & sound2 them. After all, I admit, I did know exactly how he sound ppl, it's not the type you'd actually like, though personally I xprnh kene. Hoho. He was wrong there of course, really, who was he to go maki2 ppl like tht, it wasn't even his problem in the first place. He said that he told Nad to forward our text conversations to find out what happened, & then scolded Nad, etc. Don't get me wrong, he had a point, though his actions were still unacceptable. Swear to God, tht was not what I expected to happen. He got so angry, well, even I fell silent.

He told me about my own msg to Nad, something about me going to Bangi to fetch him. Gosh, he wasn't supposed to know tht wey! Haha. When he said that yea, he knew what I meant, he was my boyf after all, why wouldn't I go all the way fer him, I was madly blushing from head to toe Tht wasn't something he was supposed to know!! Pfft.

Then, in all the hastle & confusion he suddenly started talking about how he still loved me & didn't want to break up, but needed time, that that was one of the reasons he didn't want to leave me, cuz he knew that I'll always kene bully & he wanted to be there to protect me or some sort like that (Mr Chu! HAHAHA). Wtf. Cam I ni budak kecik lg plak you ni. Not really sure what he was saying really, dah ckup confuse kot, suddenly come out about us. Sheesh.

Was abit taken aback, he's never really said much about our breakup, in fact, he's nvr mentioned anything about it to me. Seemed to me as if he was taking opportunity of the situation to say all this, by the way he was saying it, in this rushed tone. We hadn't call or text each other in quite a while. Haha lololol. Kinda impressed though, he never does talk or discuss with me about our probs, tht was kinda like a 1st. Good good. If he can improve in discussing matters with me, & drop the scandaling & stuff he'll make the perfect boyf. HOHO. Not expecting him to change in a day, obviously.

After all this, one thing's fer sure, I understand more about life. Eventhough breaking up with Amin was hard, I learnt a lot about love, & life. Despite how hard it was, I let him go, & brought myself back up. I mean, hey, it's week two already, & I'm not lying under the covers crying & hating everyone any longer am I? Heh. I brought myself back up b'cuz of him. He didn't want me sad, though he knew I didn't want this just as he didn't want it either. He was the one to comfort me after a whole a night of crying. He's not physically here, we barely talk anymore, but hey, he's still with me, in my heart. Jauh di mata dkat di hati right? Lbih kurang camtu la ayat. LOL. You know, like in Titanic, where Jack makes Rose promise tht she'll survive, & live up to an old age with lots of children & grandchildren, & die peacefully in her bed, where she did, & reunited with him in heaven. Awwww. *tears up* Jiwang lak aiyooo haha.

I don't care what people have to say, nak indirect perli ke ape kan. Kesah bai. Korg rase bahagia sgt la, perfect la sgt kan, kesah, I have a better quality of life than you ppl really, I can be even more successful in life than you ppl, so fuck off. I've had a lot of ppl rubbing salt into my already deep wounds, & I know when enough is enough. As I've learnt now, I know what priorities I should have in life, & it's not only about boyfs. Tht's only part of it. Life, can be very unexpecting. Anything happens. Like what I read from this political blog called Might Of The Pen, it's not about how a certain situation makes you feel or what it makes you do, its about how you react to the situation. Life is not difficult, it's an easy journey really, only we people tend to make it feel difficult.

Like mum says, life is NOT a bed of roses. Nothing good will last forever, & well, the best times only happen once, & even if they happen again, they won't be as nice & memorable as the first time. Was discussing tht topic with mummy just now. Haha. Amin, is definitely the first fer me in every single thing. There's a lot more in life, like friends fer instance. There are all sorts of ppl in this world, manipulative ones, those tht befriend you for a certain purpose in their own goods, demanding ones, good ones, temporary ones, well, bottom line, many more. I've yet to learn the meaning of true friendship really, there's not one person I can genuinely say is a true friend, apart from RossJoan of course, though unfortunately we're no longer able to keep in touch. Only one best friend though, & tht's my mum. She's the best, in everything, & no one can be better than her, in any way. N'way, enough about life really, everyone experiences their life differently.

I've had random guys asking me to be their girlf today. Haha wtf. Mentang2 single la kan. Seriously, I don't even know these guys wey! They just randomly buzz me in ym/msn & start chatting, eventually until they ask whether I'm single or taken & I'll say single. & then they'll wanna 'msuk line' or 'isi borang' or just mintak couple trus. Haha lamee. Wtvr it is, my status shall remain single & unavailable fer now thank you, until I get back with Amin. & if tht doesn't happen, well, I'll remain unavailable until I'm ready to find another, which I'm sure will be in a looong time.

Me, Jo-lyn, & Khe Li. Secretly caught by Pei Yin. Pfft.
I don't even know when is this wey. I look so blur haha.

Oh ohhh. Amin texted just now. Melompat-lompat hati HAHA. Who cares if they hate you really, I love you la sayang, tht's what's important. ;)

This ain't the end, as Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens put it, it's the start of something new.

.Thursday, July 16, 2009 @ 6:23 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Breathe

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way,
People are people and sometimes we change our minds,
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see,
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, never easy,
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me.

Had accs lecture just now. Was so god damn bored by the new lecturer's voice, started to drift off into space. Got lost in my lonely thoughts, eventually leading me to remember the 2nd November 2008. We had so much fun then, fer our first date, didn't we? With Mawi & Nad, it was definitely one night to remember, fer the fact that it was the very first official date I had in my life with a boyfriend. The first time I really got to meet you in person, apart from tht short meeting in front of my house.

I remember how anxious I was that whole week. I was so nervous, being scared that things would get screwed up. If they did, I would have gotten it, big time. Mummy assumed I was going to some school function, when I was actually going on my first date with my boyf of less than a month. Haha. You should know just how relieved I was when I arrived at Nad's hse, supposingly to 'get ready to go to tht school function with her'. I was so nervous, I kept on begging Nad to follow, eventually succeeding, after a talk with her parents. When you arrived in front of her house, only heaven knows how nervous I really, really was. Funny though, thinking of that time Mawi shifted to the back, just so that I could sit next to you. Haha.

I rmbr our journey in the car on the way to Sunway. Everyone was quiet, & you suddenly broke the silence, asking why everyone was quiet, while giving me a side glance, & telling me tht you wouldn't be expecting me to talk anyway, since I'm always quiet, especially on the phone. Lol. The parking was full, so we had to park on the rooftop. Pfft. Dahlah hujan lbat gle. You dropped Nad & Mawi & I at the entrance, while you went circling around, searching fer a parking spot. You told me you got pissed at Mawi, fer not staying with you in the car, while you had to run under the rain all alone. Wtf. Haha.

We walked around Sunway, with no idea on where to go. I rmbr how you kept on bumping into me deliberately while we were talking, causing me to silently giggle. Hahaha. Eventually we stopped by to watch people skating, until you suggested that we go separate ways, you & I, & Nad with Mawi. After that, we went to the Digital Center. You wanted to check out the price of that Sony Vaio that you wanted so much. As we walked there you said, "Haaa, skrg br ley," & grabbed my hand, surprising me, though secretly, I had been awaiting that moment really. HOHO. I remember how we walked all around Sunway, holding hands, not knowing where to go. But I didn't care less, all I knew was, I was right there with you, & nothing else really mattered.

Went to meet up with Nad & Mawi at the game arcade. I rmbr there was no place fer me to sit, so you told me to lean against you. Having you hugging me as I laughed at you & Mawi playing games, I wondered, how could something so random turn out to be the best thing to ever happen in my life? I couldn't stop smiling all night, even at the beginning of the night I had already known that it would be the best night ever.

After playing games we all went to have dinner at KFC. I was trying to eat as slow & as ladylike than ever in front of you, despite the fact tht I was already a slow eater anyway. Malu2 kucing la sgt kan. Ahaha. Mawi kept on teasing us, getting you to feed me, talking about kissing & stuff. I could practically feeling myself getting all hot from blushing, I had no idea how I should have reacted. Sheesh. After tht we all went to lepak outside, since you wanted to smoke. Started fooling around, all of us, singing songs & stuff. I didn't sing much, was still quite shy in singing in front of you, especially after tht episode where you forced me to sing Never Be Replaced over the phone, smartly recording my suara sumbang without telling me. Adoii.

The journey back home was fun really, everyone was joking around & laughing, & your car was like a club, with the music blasted up loud. I know Nad was fer sure very excited, especially since you were driving so fast & well, who didn't love the loud music. Tsk3. We arrived at my place early, so hung around in your car; after all, I was supposed to 'be at a dinner' that would supposingly end at 12-ish, & it was only 10-ish. Swtz. Mawi went roaming outside alone, giving us some privacy.

We both were so quiet & shy, thinking about it right now makes me wanna laugh out loud. Hahah. I rmbr when you held my hand again, & since then I didn't want to let go at all, leaning on your arm, while you playfully asked if I was ever gonna let go. I told you tht I didn't want to, you made such a nice pillow. Haha. I remember how you touched my face. I tingled from how cold your hand was; you were quite sensitive to the aircon. You sat there touching my face, while silently in my head, I was wondering when you were gonna kiss me already. HAHA. Cam bangang je aku ni. I'll never forget our 1st kiss, tht 1st kiss on my forehead was enough to make me faint, but our 1st kiss was the very kiss that would make me remember that night right until the day I die. Hugging you tightly, I knew I just wanted to stay there & hug you forever. Being with you, I knew that you were the only guy that I wanted to touch me, to be with me, & that you were definitely one guy that I was bound to love the most.

It was getting late, you told me I had to go back, before mummy got mad. But I refused to, & you supposingly scolded me, though I knew you still wanted me around really. Ngahahaha. At least we took photos before that, after being all camera shy la sgt kan. Ahaha. Eventually it was midnight, I knew I had to leave, though I didn't want to at all. Cam cite Cinderella dah lak kan. HAHA.

Despite hating everything tht happened, though I fully understand right now our situation, I'd have to admit, I miss you very, very much.

.Wednesday, July 15, 2009 @ 9:58 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Cascada - What Hurts The Most

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
But I'm doin' it,
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone,
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over,
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken.

Finally! Economics exams are done. Woot! Haha. Wasn't tht bad actually, but got lost in the graph questions. Pfft.

Before going to uni. I gained weight, I'm aware of tht, so stfu.

Teck Wang, Nick & Ting Sam, my uni lovers HAHA.

Jo-lyn, my uni bestie!

Spent the whole afternoon with my classmates in the reading room, since our exams were at 5, & classes ended at 1. Didn't study much really, all busy laughing, & I was too absorbed in my own thoughts to study. At least I studied fer 3 hrs the previous night, ckup kot. HOHO.

Farah, studying. It's a wonder really, I concentrate during lectures. Well, mainly my fave subs like Public Speaking & English la haha wtf. But I do try to concentrate on the others too, except for Accs. I've totally given up on tht sub, I know nuts about bookkeeping & crap.

I'm getting darn bored nowadays. My phone's a bit the silent. I want a phone that rings all the time wey! WTFFF. Yea, kpd sesape yg rase die ley bazirkan credit die msg I sile la mintak no yerk, main2 msg ngan I hohoho. Tp klu stkat nak menggatal baik xyah. I only want friends, no relationships, no scandals.

Scandal. I've never actually gotten involved in one, unless you count that case with Yon last yr, which I shall repeat myself, I had no idea he still had a girlf then. Pfft. Since some people find it so fun to main scandal2, I might as well get a couple fer myself too, especially now I'm single. Nak tak? Jom jom! HAHA, get lost bastards. I currently fuck men, get it?

What's so nice about having scandals anyway? You have a nice girlf/boyf by your side yet you go fer others. Face it idiots, be fucking GRATEFUL, not GREEDY. Unless your girlf/boyf's a bitch/bastard, I don't seeing why you should go fer the scandaling shit. In the 1st place, if your partner's not tht good, why keep them? Why wanna have more than one girlf/boyf? To show that you're fucking popular, that everyone wants you? Hah, KESAH babi. & even if they're after you, do you really have to lyn them back? Pfft. Idiots with no brains, so many nowadays, it's depressing. It's insulting to your own sex wey! T__T

Meanwhile, planning to go on a rampage this Friday night. Plan on going clubbing or karaoke, together with Nad, & possibly go 'meneroka KL'. Fuck it if I'm a noob driver, you people should see the huge P sticker & get out of my fucking way. HOHO. Mummy won't mind, she knows how fucked up I've been lately, kan mama? (: I need some fun to kill this frustration that's still stuck in my head. Though mind you, I'm feeling very much better nowadays, despite what recently happened to me. ;)

However, Nad just texted & said that the ex-boyf won't let me go clubbing, no matter what, & xkan couple balik with me if I ever step into a club. Kesah, as if you'll even 'couple balik' if I didn't go.
But, considering the fact that I do still love you dearly & I've always been like a fool obeying your every word even if you didn't ask me to, while you spent every second doing every single fucking thing behind my back, regardless of whether you should or shouldn't, I'll just give you some face & not go clubbing. Happy?

Oh. Just realized that b'cuz I've been posting quite frequently nowadays, some of my July posts are not shown when you visit my blog.
To view all the posts in July just click here, or July 2009 on the right side. -->
In case you missed out any posts.

.Tuesday, July 14, 2009 @ 5:41 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin On The Club

You did me wrong boy,
Tell me where our love went.

I hate going into public places nowadays. Couples everywhere, sadly reminding me that I'm stupidly single. Pfft. & I'm starting to wonder how I actually went through 5 months of being single last yr. Sheesh. That however, is NOT gonna make me go boy-hunting, I don't need anymore idiots atm.

Oh. Frh suda kantoi smoke. Ngan mummy die. HOHO. She happened to go into my room which still had the faint smell of cigs & with clothes & stuff everywhere, thanks to my sesi melpskan geram recently. Lmao. All she said was it's an experience, but I should at least think of what's right or wrong fer me. Well, not much to say really, considering the fact that I threw away the remaining cigs I had left; they don't help at all.

Economics exam tmrw. The best thing is, I didn't study at all. Cheer to Farah man.

. @ 12:34 AM Y

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Turn The Clock

So sad you had to let me go,
What will I do without you,
Just when your dark side starts to show,
I won't miss you dearly,

Some breaking news!
I'm too good for you!


Please do me a favor, & don't feel sorry for me. Don't tell me I'll find another one better than him, that I shouldn't be sad, that it's his loss fer letting me go, & all that sad crap you all would say to supposingly make me feel better; it makes me feel worse.

Fyi, I know y'all mean well, be seriously, I'm doing fine on my own. I have my own hopes, I'm thinking positive, knowing that one day he'll come back. Only then, by doing so, if it never happens, I wouldn't crash down that hard. Don't tell me I'll find someone better than him, fer now, no one was best at loving me as he did, & fyi, he still does, so yea. Unless I happen to actually meet someone way better than him fer myself right now, you could stop telling me that. Please don't say "I know it must be hard fer right now,", it is hard, I'm struggling to bring myself back up, & I'm sure I'm nearly there, but don't say that to me, you drag me down deeper, making me forget my goal to keep myself up.

I keep myself sane & happy, knowing that I love him, & he loves me, & that one day, even if he really leaves me fer good, I still have the good times we had to rmbr & cherish. So don't tell me he'll never come back, don't tell me I should forget about him & move on; he's the last person I'll ever, ever forget.

No one will understand why this happened, & no one will know what could have happened, & what will happen. & that includes Amin & I. Of course, if I were to really blame someone I would have blamed it all on Sheeya, if it wasn't for her sudden presence & stupidity in believing every word Amin told her we wouldn't have been placed in such a tensed situation in the first place. However, I am aware that everyone is at fault, in certain parts of the event, fer certain reasons. Every single person did wrong, that includes me, that includes Amin; you can't put all the blame on just one person. We're only human, it's fine, as long as we learn from our mistakes & start over, even if it happens twice. So don't tell me that y'all understand how I feel. Let's face it, no matter what you think, or how you feel, you'll never understand how I felt, what I feel, & what I went through. No one will, not any of you, not Amin, no one at all, but me.

Just do me this one favor, & leave me alone, particularly on this issue. I need no one's sympathy, I'm human, this is life, & I have my own way of dealing with things. Don't feed me with sad words & statements to supposingly make me feel better, we all know that looking at a situation's a hundred times different than experiencing one. I'm doing fine right now, really, sumpah aku okay skrg, so just let it be that way, yea. Don't unintentionally make things worse fer me.

.Monday, July 13, 2009 @ 6:13 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Sixth Sense - Tak Bisa Memilihmu

Telah jauh terpisah, diriku dan dirimu,
Dalam ruang dan waktu,
Sendiriku jalani sepiku, tanpa dirimu,
Resahku tanpa hadirmu,
Sungguh berat hatiku untuk merasakannya.

The couple that fights the most is the one most in love. It shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring. Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.

Curik dr blog Bell. HOHO. Jgn mara tau syg, aku still kasi credit kat ko. (:

Had a talk with mum just now, otw to uni. She asked me how was Amin & I, & I said, "Uh, like that la," Lol. After that, fer some reason I storied everything to her, about how this happened, about how everything started. I told her about Sheeya, & why I was screaming at Amin over the phone while crying on that particular night. She understood fully, the whole situation, as I told her everything, about how I found her on Amin's recent calls list, how fer some unknown reason I was drawn to her Myspace, leading me to find out the truth fer myself, & well, basically every single detail. Even mum said it was ridiculous, how could he have another girlf behind my back, & want both; it was just downright ridiculous.

After the usual expected advise, move on with life, if you're both meant to be together nothing would seperate you guys, bla bla yada yada so & so, felt a lot better about things. Realize that it was true really, I have a life to life, other goals to achieve, more opportunities in life.

Why waste all my life just b'cuz of some breakup? Thinking back, if he was meant to be mine, nothing, not even this breakup now would keep us apart, we'd somehow end back together no matter what comes in the way. If we don't get back together, well, it's his loss, not mine. I tried my dead best to hold things together, but looks like all the effort I placed in didn't work did it. If this is what he wanted, well, aslkan you bahagia la kan.

Keje I ngan you dah beres. I dah wat pe yg ptut dah sblum ni. Skrg, tunggu mase je la. I dah byk kali ckp kan, klu you btol2 syg I buktikan la, tp t'nyata suda kan skrg. I syg gle2 kat you, you bkn xtau kan. It's never too late, I'm still here. But fyi, jgn tunggu smpi satu ari I dah btol2 pergi dr idop you br you nak wat sumthing. Tau la, maybe you rase cam senang je kan, pe ssah, cari je la lain. You sendiri pun ckp dlu kan, I ni pompuan yg plg senang utk diayat. Senang je you nak cari pompuan lain yg cam I, sedangkan you kan ske sgt nak main scandal2 blkg I dlu, xreti nak ubah. But I'll make sure, that wtvr happens, I'll be the one person in your life that can never be replaced, & never, ever, forgotten. & no other, will ever, love you the way I do.

To change the topic, university. Haha. All the assignments & mid term tests this month, gosh, busy gle kot. Haha. Seriously, I love UTAR so goddamn much. The friends I made, most importantly all my classmates, I have a bright day b'cuz of them. All the laughter & jokes I share, especially with people like Jolyn, Nicholas, Kuan Hyen, Teck Wang, basically all my classmates, they're all like another new family to me. Shoutouts to those that read my blog, I love you people wey! Haha. ;)

Meanwhile, last night I dreamt that I got married. WTFFFF. Yea, in my dream, that I can rmbr n'way, I dreamt tht I was wearing this gorgeous white wedding dress, & spend my first night with my newly-wedded husband at this hotel, where the scenery was amazing, when you stood at the balcony. There was this breathtaking beach, where the moon & stars seemed so near you could almost touch them. Excuse me, my dream was all U okay, untuk tontonan semue. No 18sx or X-rated scenes aite. HAHA. No idea who tht mystery husband was though. Lol. Cam budak kecik already wey, dreaming of marriage. Haha,

.Sunday, July 12, 2009 @ 7:38 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Akon - Right Now

I can't lie,
I miss you much,
Watching everyday that goes by,
I miss you much,
Until I get you back I'm gonna try,
Yes I miss you much,
You are the apple of my eye,
GirlBoy I miss you much,
I miss you much.

Amin's right.
Nad's right.
Even mummy's right.

I keep on feeling so darn helpless fer myself, spending every minute of every day blaming myself, thinking that he's never, ever, gonna come back. When the thing is, he's still around, texting & calling & stuff. I keep on thinking negative, like the whole world's gonna fall on my head soon, it's no wonder why I end up attracting negativity. Nothing has really changed actually, it's just me stupidly telling my head that he's no longer my boyf.

I just get so scared, so worried that in time he'll end up having another girlf, & well, that's when I can really say I've lost him. I don't want to lose him to another, I don't want to have to see someone else taking my place, I don't want anyone else to go through what I went through.

I'm trying. Dead hard. To think even more positively, hoping that there will be a next time, soon enough. He said he still loves me, why the hell do I even think beyond the border. & I'm gonna ditch smoking. At times, I wonder why I never give myself a chance & think straight.

Sumpah I syg you gle2 Casper. Camne la ley jd camni, I pun xtau. Kekdg I rase cam nak try gle2 ubah blk keadaan, cpl blk, tp dah cam xde gune dah pun. Serious I sayang you gile babi, I xnak kehilangan you gak. I xnak you ade pompuan lain, I xnak org lain ambik you dr I, I dah xsanggup kene tggl ngan org yg I btol2 syg lagi. Walaupun dah jd camni, tlg la jgn tgglkan I, pls? I sayang you sgt2, I xkisah pe org lain nak ckp.

Mummy pun rindu you. Haha, td die ckp. Die suruh you settlekan prob2 you dlu, then tgk camne lps ni. I love you sayanggggg.

. @ 3:24 PM Y

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Don't Say Goodbye

All cried out,
Pleading with you,
I'd die now,
Don’t say that we’re through,
I'd rather you hate me than break me,
You're all I ever knew ,
Now hold on cause,
I'll try to save us,
I'm still in love with you.

Drove all the way to Summit. Mum finally decided it was time she actually let me out alone & experience driving on my own; I couldn't have her beside me all the time. Parked at Giant, since it was free. Went fer a round of karaoke, lepaked fer a bit, & went home. A lot of new places at Summit; all the snooker places were replaced with centres that had karaoke, a pub, & pool, all 3 in 1.

Now the whole thing's finally setted itself inside me. I finally understand why I was better the past few days than I thought I would be; it was b'cuz of the fact that I couldn't believe it, & didn't want to believe it. Hearing it from his own mouth was ten times worse, & it felt a hundred times even more real. Now that it's sunken in, I really can't eat or sleep anymore.

God, just how long is this gonna last. I really can't stand it anymore. I just want to go to sleep & never, ever, wake up again.

.Saturday, July 11, 2009 @ 12:07 AM Y

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Candles

Blow the candles out,
Looks like a solo tonight,
I’m beginning to see the light,
Blow the candles out,
Looks like a solo tonight,
But I think I’ll be alright.

My fave song. This very song makes me cry nowadays. Cassadee sure has an awesome voice.

Thinking back, I've got one fact confirmed. If I happen to be in a relationship, every four months something bad actually happens. In previous relationships, I've ended up dumping them in our fourth month. When I was with Amin, we fought during our fourth month, where we didn't speak fer a few days. & well, now, another four months later, this. Gah. another reason why Farah Alia shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm jinxed aren't I. I bet if I made a list on why I shouldn't be in a relationship I could probably list down a hundred.

To make matters worse, I made my whole room smell like Amin. Should have bought SKL instead of Sampoerna. Xke bongok aku nih. But I'm already risking my butt off, so what the heck. Yea, I started back my old, very unhealthy habit.

N'way. It's sickening isn't it, to you ppl, every single post I have nowadays are about him. I still can't seem to accept the fact. I sleep at night holding his teddy bear, hugging it tightly. & the most confusing & perhaps craziest thing is, eventhough it's over, I still feel him around. Wtf I sound like he's already dead LOL. But yea. That teddy bear's the only thing that I really appreciate now. These past few nights before I fall asleep I'll hug it tightly, & fer some weird reason, feel this strange warmth around me, as if someone's hugging me. I could almost hear him breathing, as if he's sleeping beside me like those days. It's a huge comfort really, but well, once you wake up & think of reality, you can only call yourself downright mad & feel extremely disappointed.

Thinking it through, I don't even know what am I waiting for right now. He probably has a new girlf right now, & doesn't give a shit about me. Or is back with some ex of his, or some girl at college. & probably doesn't even remember my existence. & what am I doing here, stupidly waiting, for something that obviously won't happen. Thinking of that statement, of how he said this was only temporary, that once we were both ready we could start over, it struck me hard that it won't happen, that it was just another empty promise.

He promised that he'll never leave me, he sworn he didn't want to lose me, he claimed that I was everything to him, yet here I am, the abandoned sheep. Boys, that's all they do isn't it. Make all those stupid promises, but in the end, break every single word. I'm stupid to think he was any better than any other guy that played me. Though he was slightly better in ways. & to think we went as far as think about marriage. I always knew tht was a step too far, though I have to admit, I was hoping, honestly, tht he would be the last person I'll be with, tht my days of being single would be finally over. Too early to say tht I guess, I'm only 18after all.

If we really get back together.All those 'ifs' huh. I'm dead positive now that it won't happen. We'll never get back together, he'll never come back; it's just life isn't it. I can be easily replaced, as how he can be easily replaced too, though I won't ever let tht happen. & to be straight, we're not even talking anymore, so what chances are there.

Maybe it's time I moved on. & take the next few years healing myself from the heartache & pain that I feel right now. I don't need any other guy in my life anymore. I can't stand anymore pain like this, a double dose was enough for me to bear. I guess he's nothing but a mere memory to me now, & it's something I'll have to accept, eventually.

.Wednesday, July 08, 2009 @ 6:30 PM Y

Currently tuning into: Secondhand Serenade - Like A Knife

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

So. After yesterday's most unexpected event, fer me n'way, a lot has been running through my mind. Yesterday's break-up blew me in the head, though basically, I would admit somehow I came up with it, though. I had expected it to be as always, where it never does happen. Who would have known though. No wait, it was already bound to happen really.

Didn't realize that what I told him was actually true. Yesterday, I told him that these past few weeks we didn't even seem like a couple anymore. That I felt like my boyf was non-existent. Going through today, I realized just how true my words were. Today, the first day after breaking up, was just the same as how the past weeks had been. A few texts in the morning, & tht's it. Well, last time there would be calls & a few more msgs at night, but not anymore now.

Breaking up sucks. Thinking back, I've never actually had a proper break up. Basically I've always been doing the breaking up part previously, but I had no feelings for most of them, so I didn't really feel much. Couldn't stop crying yesterday. Got back from uni & tried to stay cool, but didn't stop me from going through an hour of non-stop tears. Cooled down slightly again after that, well, that is, until my aunt called mum & asked her if I had really broken up. Just based on my FB status that wrote "it's over". Pfft. It's amazing how she could have figured it out; 'it's over' could basically mean anything. After that, couldn't help myself.

It sunk in deeper, the fact that it had really happened, causing me to cry all night. Eventually for some reason I browsed our photos that I had in my phone. Under normal circumstances that would be the last thing a person who just broke up would want to do, tp ntah, I just did it. Weirdly, looking at those photos calmed me down a little. In fact, looking at photos of his silly face made me laugh through my tears. & I thought on how he would make me cry & then laugh when I cry, before comforting me. Started laughing again. Pfft. After that settled down a little & fell asleep, holding the teddy bear he gave me.

He said it was just for a while, till we both sorted ourselves out & we're ready to get back again. There isn't much fer me to sort out really, so all I have to do is wait. Wait for what? That I do not know at all.

7th May 2009. Exactly 2 months ago we almost ended up breaking up, but it didn't work out, fortunately. Did a whole lot of mental thinking today, & realised that it's a wonder we actually survived an additional 2 months, after what had happened. At least now we're still talking. If I had broken up that 2 months ago the hurt would have been worse, & that would truly have been the very last time I would actually be in touch with him. Guess it's time up isn't it? After all, all good things do come to an end.

Amazingly, I'm feeling fine. Not saying that I don't care, I'm dead wishing it nvr happened, but I'm better than I thought I would. Guess that there was already a gap between us throughout this past few weeks. Still feel like crying really, it's somehow hard, but thinking of it, he's still around, & I love him, & that's basically all that matters the most.

Despite what others have to say, I'll still wait. Maybe this break from our relationship would do us both some good. I hope it won't last too long though, knowing how impatient I am. Lolololol. I love him, no matter what others have to say about him. He may have certain bad habits & stuff, but he's the only guy that actually knows how to respect me, as a friend, as a girlfriend. Nad's right, I've been through worse with him, what's this really. & if we don't get back together, well, that's just life ain't it.

Unless one day I decide to not love him anymore, there will not be a moment where I would not be thinking of him.

.Tuesday, July 07, 2009 @ 1:45 AM Y

Currently tuning into: Emma Bunton - What Took You So Long

Whats the 10th text in your inbox say?
"syg2, u tau x. ari ni kan, ari plg malang, bosan, bodoh, sunyi.nak tau x nper?jap ek, nak sambung main dota jap.huhu..ok.sambung blik..1.npe ari ni ari pling malang skali=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i..2.npe ari ni ari pling bosan=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i.3.npe ari ni ari pling bodoh=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i..huhu..sumpah rindu u gle2 syg..muahx."

may sound familiar to someone. & i want tht very person back.

Was doing a random survey in myspace just now. Coincidently while I checked my inbox this was the 10th msg, given by him on the 23rd Feb.

I seriously miss this guy, this boyf of mine, that was there for me every single minute of the day, that would check on me every few hours of the day, whose text msg would be the very one to wake me up & also whose very voice or text msg would put me to sleep. I miss this boyf of mine that would call or text me at the most random times, just to ask me what I was doing, or that he's about to go somewhere, or the one to wish me good night & sweet dreams, the very reason I go to sleep smiling at night. I miss this very boyf of mine that I could always complain to, where he would always scold me in a mock way, & always cheer me up & make me laugh, no matter what.

I miss the times where I would actually go through his phone & find nothing tht would make me suspicious, instead, I find everything about only me. Especially tht time during our first date where Nad found a picture collage of me in his phone that he had nvr told me about; how darn sweet. All these little little things that made me feel genuinely loved, that assured me that I was really loved & that there wasn't a worry in the world at all fer me. The early stages are always the best ones aren't they. Our first date, even thinking about every single detail can still make me laugh, however, also with the certain urge to cry.

I barely know the person that I'm dating anymore. He's changed in so many ways, I doubt he even realizes so. Even crying angrily, shouting into my pillows, throwing everything around my room & mildly cutting myself won't change that fact. I feel so alone, yet I can't do anything about it. There are all sorts of people around me everyday, friends, family, strangers, yet, the world seems so silent around me, as if I've gone deaf. Laughter is only temporary. So near yet so far.

I'm trying to be independent. Even if he's around, to me, he's gone. I have no tears left to cry, guess I'm slowly accepting the situation I'm in. However, I still want back my old sayang, the one I could feel 500% comfortable & loved with.


.Farah Alia.
Growing up, lost in her ups & downs, desperately trying to find the real meaning of life. With only 18 yrs of experience in life, its a journey. With memories that can nvr be forgotten.


Family. <33
The best family ever. To mummy & papa; Bringing me into this world, raising me up & protecting me, you're the only ones that I know who would never abandon me. You taught me the importance of loving a family, to take care of others, to value life & live as a good person. Even if once I didn't understand why & thought tht you were a nuisance to me, as I grow older I started to know why, & try my best to appreciate it. Of course, growing up, as Mummy puts it, I nvr know how high the sky is or how deep the ground is, in other words, I don't know my limits, but one thing's fer sure, I'll nvr forget how important family really is. Words of wisdom, I live to the fullest each day. I love you all.

Friends. <33
All sorts. Close, best, good, or just friends. All around, to laugh with, to share with, to be together with. Besties like Nad, supportive when they can be, there to cheer you up when you're down, we need people like that in our lives. I'm grateful to have friends like y'all, to share the fun I experience with. To just talk, or chill, or hangout. A part of your life that is always a must fer everyone. I love y'all. (:


Mell Joy Hilman
Liyana Sharia


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