.Sunday, August 09, 2009 @ 12:10 AM Y
.silence.
Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Something
Why I'm still waiting,
Sometimes I'm shaking,
that's how you make me,
Sometimes I question why I'm still here,
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.
Can you help me understand?
In situations like this, do you listen to your heart or your head?
Went to Amin's house fer kenduri, with papa, mummy, & adik. To be honest, I was dreading seeing him again, especially after what he said to me. Part of me didn't want to go, but I'll have everyone asking if I decided to not go wouldn't I. So gi je la kan. Otw there I felt terrible. I didn't know how I was supposed to even feel.
Mummy knew something was awfully wrong with me, especially when she asked me all sorts of questions about him, & all I answered was "I don't know,". She asked me if he still had fever, & when I said "I don't know ", she was really surprised, b'cuz of the fact tht of all people I should be the first to know if he's recovered.
While eating mummy asked me if we fought again. I said no, but I didn't know why, for some reason I just didn't want to communicate with him in any way. At his house I avoided looking at him as much as I could. In fact, come to think of it, I didn't even look at him at all, even when I returned him his keys, tht necklace that he gave me with the words 'Amin ♥ Farah' & my cigs that had been kept fer quite sometime.
Not b'cuz I hate him or something like tht really, I just didn't want to look him in the eye & face the fact that this was the guy that I love, the one that no longer loves me anymore. It was a painful reminder to me. Being at his house, my head was telling me desperately to get the hell out of there, yet my heart was telling me to just stay.
As I left there was this heavy feeling weighing on me, the fact that this would most probably be the last time I'll ever see him. No more him coming to see me, no more me going to see him. I felt sick, I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment, despite the fact that I didn't even eat much. I took deep breaths to stop myself from crying, telling myself sternly that I'll be alright. Eventually I fell asleep, & woke up with tears pouring down my face.
Unwanted moments.
It was nice though, seeing how well both our families communicated. Before we left papa & mummy actually helped to cover the food from flies & stuff, something they'll usually do at home. Coming from mummy it's expected, but from papa, well, it's a first. It's nice, having all of Amin's aunties recognizing me & acknowledging me, eventhough I had forgotten what I was supposed to call them. Lol. However, so near yet so far. I didn't belong to this family anymore. They all felt like strangers to me, like people from a past life. Despite knowing them so well, I felt like I didn't know them at all.
Mummy kept going on about how Amin is actually a nice guy, dot dot bla bla yada yada. Idk if it was just to cheer me up or if its just the fact that she's been hooked to the fact that he's been my boyf fer the past 8 months or so. At one point she asked papa how to go to Bangi, & I was like, wtf. The only reason Bangi's ever mentioned is when I always attempt to convince mummy to let me drive up to Bangi to see him. At another point mummy was ranting something & I randomly said 'womanizer'. Mummy said that he's fer sure not the type. Well mummy dearest, if he isn't a 'womanizer', he almost is, cuz if he's not he wouldn't have been cheating on your daughter & broke her heart when he was with her. For god's sakes, he's good as gone after this, does it even matter if he's nice or not anyway?
The only reason, I can keep myself sane & somewhat normal at the moment, is when I think of the fact that he's happy living his life without me. It does hurt, knowing that he no longer needs me, as much as I still need him, but as long as he's happy, nothing else matters to me anymore, even if this pain may someday kill me. I can easily be replaced in his life, I'm sure his new girl will take good care of him, if there's one atm. I swear to God, his happiness, that's all that truly matters, from the bottom of my heart. Even if I had to die tomorrow just to make him happy, tht's exactly what I'll do.
This, will never happen, unless necessary.
I suppose.
Emotional moments, recorded unexpectedly by the brother. Sry fer my suare sumbang. & fyi, in the ending the tune lari. Just b'cuz I was stupidly attempting to do the background singing (I forgot tht word wtf).
