.Saturday, July 25, 2009 @ 9:06 PM Y
.silence.
Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - Heights
I know you'll never learn.
There's something running through my blood, takes hold of me,
It's taking me to heights you'll never see,
Yeah I'm your wildest dream,
There's something disturbing your sleep,
Well now you'll see,
Nothing's ever what it seems to be, now I'm all that you bleed.
I wonder why I always lose to your every word, when I know that I have so many things to say that could defend me. It's so unfair, I feel so trodden over at times. Everything's unfair, what did I ever do to deserve this? I don't deserve all this, I truly don't, I deserve so much better. Yet, I always wondered, what God's point is in making me endlessly experiencing this. After every ending comes another continuing story. It never does end. I don't want it to ever end, but I wonder what's the whole purpose of all this. I'm strong, I can still take it so far, but why me?? Why do You have to bring me down again everytime I successfully pull myself up?! God, I seriously want answers.
Drove to Bangi this morning, yet again. Syg had baseball training at Keramat, so he sent me to uni fer my exam, before going off to Keramat. Had Comp Studies exam today. Crappy really, didn'd read anything, so masing2 came up with our own grandmother stories & opinions. Haha. Was sitting in between Jolyn & John, & when Jolyn asked me I'd ask John, who would give some answers that he knew, which I would write down so tht Jolyn can copy. & we all started refering to each others papers to see if the answers were the same. Taktik kotor siot kitorg nih HAHA.
After that lepaked with Nick, Prajiv, Jolyn, Pei Yee, & Shu Min to discuss our Public Speaking & English assignments, which are due on Monday & Tuesday. Oh, didn't mention did I, about the talk show assignment? Well, tht's my assignment fer PS, a talk show, where I'm gonna be the host. Lol. Gonna have a video recorded, so I'll post it up in my blog if possible.
After that went to called syg up & asked him to come fetch me. Dropped by this field near my uni, where Amin told me about his experience there, his very first baseball training session. The field was huge, & he said that he had to run around the whole field last time, & practically fainted. Seeing the field itself & listeining to him made me feel the agonizing pain tht he went through in his training. Haha wtf. Then went to Low Yat Plaza to get an external hard disk, fer his Ayah. Got kinda fed up after being there fer a while, seeing computer accessories ALL over the place was definitely not what I wanted, especially after having tht exam. Lmao. Then went back to his house to have early dinner, & finally drove back to Bangi. Oh, drove back to Subang from Bangi in within half an hour. Xgle lak aku kan. Speed's definitely addictive, & I have no idea how I should dispose of it now.
Been feeling kinda down & moody lately. It's been nice getting to be with syg again, laughing & having him supposingly trying to seduce me in the car just now HAHA. He's the only person I can truly be myself with, 100%. But I just can't my head off those text msgs I've found. No problem with him having friends obviously, but, this is too far. 'Love you honey?' No one but me should be saying that to him, all those fucking cunts can go jump off a building fer all I care. & he shouldn't be saying tht to other people too. And and and...! Gahness.
I hate Sheeya, though if it wasn't fer her I wouldn't have realized what sort of person my boyf really was. I hate Mira, whoever the fuck she is. & I hate tht stupid Perak girl or wherever she's from, who apparently seems very fond of the thought of having sex with my boyf. Dahlah ayt2 cam gedik nak mampos, cam kimak je. I don't know who you are, & how you look like, but Whores like you burn in hell, did you know that? Get tht fucking cunt of yours somewhere further & leave my boyf alone God damnit. I do swear alot, but the swear words I use are limited, but in this case I don't mind calling you every single swear I know. Gah. Freaking skanks. Laki lain semue xmampos lg kan? Bf aku gak ko nak. Pfft, terase lak ngan ayat sendiri. T___T
Idfc anymore. I really, truly, swear to God that I don't fucking care what he does anymore, ever since we supposingly broke up, though now I guess I'll have to assume that we are still together. It's his life, I can barely handle my own already, so why should I care about what he does, especially when it affects me too?
I just hate the fact that he leads me on, giving me hope, yet crushing me completely. How can you even have the heart to fucking love me & be there for me when at the same time you do everything in your will to fucking hurt me? You think you feel pain, I feel more than torture. You think your messed up, I'm practically fucked up. You think your head's in a mess, mine's practically gone lost with confusion.
You need time to change? I still don't get it, it's been in my head since that night. In your case, what's so difficult about changing? It's not like smoking, it's not addictive. They don't even love you, why feel sorry for them? You said they know you have me, so why should they feel anything. Unless you love them too, then, well, I would wanna leave if that really is the case. All guys, are so darn confusing I would never understand them, ALL of them. Would it kill them to stop lying & coming up with excuses fer once?
I am, after all, a very demanding person, I want a lot, not just a little, I want everything, not just some, I want to the main, the priority, not just like any other. That's one thing I definitely WON'T change, so adapt to me, cuz I won't adapt to you in this case.
But as I said, I'm vulnerable, easy to manipulate. For once, I just want someone to listen to what I have to say, without criticizing & defending theirselves at every single word I say. To not make me feel as if I'm talking to a wall. I want to be heard, with the limited words & thoughts I can actually speak out loud about. I can never speak aloud, especially when I get so lost in what I want to say. Thus, you should know what my blog is here for.
Here are my words, always unspoken & kept in a corner, my corner.
As I said, I'm in a very foul mood at the moment. So sorry if my words offend anyone. Nak period dah kot. & lack of sleep is finally taking a toll on me. I haven't had a good night's sleep in more than a month now.
with nothing but your
Syg left his shirt the other night when we went to MOS. Wore it to sleep last night. Haha. Shouldn't have given it back to him, I was so comfy wearing it. Lmao.
