.Monday, May 11, 2009 @ 1:02 PM Y
.silence.
Currently tuning into: Dj Tiesto - TrafficSo. To continue from last night, due to listening to the way-too-loud-music with my headphones, I had trouble going to sleep. The thumping of trance continued thumping at my head, despite not listening to it anymore. My head felt heavy, & I spent the next few hours rolling around on my bed, feeling cold, & the next feverish, & the next cold again. & in the morning my head was so heavy that I woke up & started getting all menggelabah, thinking it was already 3 when it was only 9am HAHA.
God, if this is somehow how clubbing is, I just can't imagine how ppl can add drugs & alcohol to it. The music is enough of a killa. But seriously speaking, if no one controlled me, that would be exactly how I would have turned out, kaki clubbing, most probably getting drunk every other night. Face reality ppl, but I'm basically a wild person & only b'cuz of my family & boyf & loved ones can I remain decent.
Guess I've found a way to cure my headaches, to cure the aching heart I've been having this past few weeks. You'd be thinking I'm mental, effect dah camtu nak wat lg. But trust me, that pain is nothing,
nothing compared to the heartache I felt. NOTHING. I can't cry out any longer, I'm already out of tears from crying so much this past week. My head's gone all numb, I can no longer think, just b'cuz I've gone to the point where thinking is useless.
Although everything's more or less back to normal, I'm not. Definitely not the same person I was. All the past events have taken a toll on me, & I'm no longer myself. I can't trust anyone anymore, not even my own self. I feel so heartless. Yet I can only blame myself for making things so complicating. But, I chose all this myself, I had choices, so I'll just move ahead, & hope fer the best.
There's no use blaming yourself fer mistakes you make, or others for mistakes they make. Everyone makes mistakes, they should just learn to let it go & start over, make a better beginning. Why make yourself feel crappier. Yes, it's stupid hearing that from someone as gone case as me really.
Honestly, I'm sick & tired of you ppl saying that I'm so strong, all this happening & I sacrifice so much just for a loved one. I'm sick & tired of ppl saying all this proves just how much I love him. Pfft, as if I don't know how much I love him, as if I don't know how much it had costed for me to sacrifice my own happiness. If those are what you call compliments, I'd rather not have them at all. If I had to go through all that just to receive compliments like that, I don't want those compliments at all. Please don't tell me to be patient, to 'bersabar', it hurts me even more. I don't need anyone's sympathy, I don't want anyone's sympathy.
But despite all this, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for every single thing I have right now. I'm grateful I still have him here by me, despite everything that happened, despite the emotional torture I have to endure just to have him back. I've never been more grateful in my whole life than right now. Maybe this whole event was an eye-opener fer me. I always took things fer granted, & after almost losing the one thing I love the most, I realised how so many things that may seem to stay forever may eventually leave, if you're not careful in keeping them. Guess I had to learn all this the hard way.
So, who am I to complain really. Everything happens for a reason, no matter if it's good or bad. The aim is to find out why, & learn. Now, I can only pray & hope to God that in future nothing like this will happen again. Really, once is enough. Which is why, after this post, I'm closing this chapter of my life, & starting over. No more sadness, no more pain, nothing. From now onwards, I'll work hard to keep this relationship happy & sane, right until the moment comes where nothing can be really done, & the only solution is to end everything.
For once ever since May started, I can finally say I am okay. (:
