Currently tuning into: Dj Cat Nyc - Lollipop

I swear to God tht I don't fucking wanna go PLKN. Seriously, I'd rather die than go fer those 3 months, especially not now.

I just don't know why, if you look at it really it's nothing, but duhh, ntah. Maybe it's the fact that I don't want to come home after 3months & find tht everything has changed. Or I just don't wanna be far away from mummy & Amin. Or maybe just..gah! Xtau la akuuuuuu!!! Xkusut lak aku skrg.

So now syg's giving all sorts of opinions fer me to try escape NS. Mummy however says if I really no choice it's best I go fer NS 1st, then only continue studies. However, bottom line, I don't fucking wanna go, it's scary. I'd freaking die there wey! I'd get so homesick I'd stop eating & sleeping completely & eventually DIE wey wtffff. Now I'm wishing I freaking had cancer or heart attack or sumthing. Pfft.

I feel like a 4 yr old kid on her 1st day of preschool. I feel like crying. Gah I'm such a baby. T_T


Meanwhile, I'm starting class tmrw. English. Watch out people, this bitch from London's gonna fucking beat y'all.

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - How Do You Love Me Now

So. I'm lpaking in the room & mummy comes in, saying papa's home. Pe lg, turun ah, nak ambik The Star carik name aku kan. Pfft. But as I reach the bottom stairs papa's like "Haa, ko kene gi (the name of the place, i forgot what edi haha), utk PLKN nnt," For a person who rarely talks to me, well yea, heargin tht was like, ehh. WTF. N'way, thank god I already knew, if I had heard it first hand from papa like tht, I would have died of heart attack. T_T

Went back upstairs with the paper, when me & mummy wanted to look fer my name, wohich wasn't hard, fer the fact tht papa actually highlighted my name with my fave color, pink. God I swore I felt like dying wey! Xsakit ati aku. Kjam nye papa hahaha. Then mummy & I got very the ke-poh, & started searching fer our neighbour's name. Ngahahaha.



Sumpah aku fuck PLKN dowh.

Currently tuning into: The Panic Division - Automatic Synthetic

Fucking Gunung Semanggol. Or summat hella crap place like tht, in Perak. Yea ppl, after months of glee in supposingly not being selected fer National Service, here I fucking am, expected to be reporting myself on the 17th of June. Mother F wey! T_T

This afternoon was otw to fetch my brother from tuition. Then suddenly my aunt called mummy & said something to her, causing her to suddenly scream "WHAT?!?!?!" Xk'jut lak aku kan, dahlah tgh drive. Duhh. Didn't know what was going on, until I heard my name, & hear her say tht both mummy & I checked. Well, only one thing came in my mind, & I screamed so loud & braked so abruptly tht if I wasn't careful I could have ended up crashing my car. Pfft. Fer once I actually started really swearing in front of mum, using the F word at every single chance I got. Wtf. Swore all the way to Hero, forgetting the fact this was the 1st time I actually drove up to Alam Megah. You'd be thinking I've already been driving fer yrs wtf.

Fer once, I actually felt like crying. I felt terrible, worse than the very first time I check via sms. In fact, when syg called just now I started tearing. I don't even know why, it's not that bad once you think of it, especially since the boyf said I only have to go fer a week or so since I've already started university, but, gah, the thought of going fer PLKN's dead scary. I mean, what if something happens within tht 1 week or so there?! How if I get raped, or molested, or bullied, or kene food poisoning & possibly DIE?!?! Waaaaaaa. Okay I'm exaggerating wtf.

But it's scary. I mean, during the 1st batch there were cases of food poisoning in all Perak camps; a lot of my friends kene, since almost everyone from my school did their training in Perak. What if that happens again wey?! I don't want to die yet wey! & even if I were to die I wanna die near my loved onessssss WTF. Sheesh. Okay, I'm just exaggerating fer the fun of it. Hoho.

Mummy said she'll come tman me go Perak, & she'll force Amin to come along. Haha. Well, that is, until she was like, "Oh, but Amin continue studies already right then?" I started wailing again.

The Panic Division. I was searching fer some trance song I found in myspace & found a song by them. So pe lg, download je la kan. Mane la tau tu lagu I cari kan. Skali it wasn't, but dang, it was an awesome song, Automatic Synthetic. Their songs are more of less like bands like Tasking Back Sunday & Escape The Fate. Gah. Loveeeee.

Meanwhile, tonight I plan on watching P.S, I Love You again. More crying haha wtf. Mummy scolded me cuz I took all the tissues in her bag(it was the only closest source of tissues near me last night haha). & next week I'm gonna force Amin to watch it with me so tht he'll learn to appreciate me haha lmao. Although I'm sure, he won't watch the movie but will most probably be laughing at me crying throughout the whole movie. Pfft.

Currently tuning into: Lady Gaga - Poker Face (Automatic Panic Remix)

P.s, i love you.


Finally got myself to watch it. Gosh, this is the very, very first time where I actually cried throughout the whole movie. I practically, literally CRIED, not the stupid tearing up crap. You know, cry, like when I argue with syg & start crying like noone's business? Where you almost use up the whole tissue box? Yea, tht CRY weh! Ok exaggerating too much haha. But seriously, it's true. P.s, I Love You is the best film I've seen in like, forever.

It's romantic, sexy, funny, touching, god, it's all in one wey! Gah gah gahhhh I regret taking so long to watch it wey! Sheesh. P.s, I Love You is definitely a must watch! Cry until my eyes lg bengkak edi haha wtf. It really means alot.



Meanwhile, I need to find a place to sleep fer the night, again.
T_T

Currently tuning into: 3oh!3 - Don't Trust Me

Had a loooong day today. Went to Shogun's again, this time with mummy, adik, mama Ping, mama Han, & my own Amin. Haha. Considered it somehow as a b'day special fer Amin & mama Ping, whose b'day's nx Saturday. N'way, arrived at Sunway & went to take a quick shower, while the others went to Padini Concept, & syg was otw from Keramat. 12.30 went into Shogun's, tht is, until syg called, & said he got lost. Obviously I panicked, tht is, until he said he was 'lost' in Sunway. Wtf. Nak kene tampar ngan aku ke ape. Haha. So went to wait fer him in front of Mcd's, when yet again he decided to kenekan me. Called him & told me he was in front of Mcd, exactly where I was. Then he made up all his hoo haa stories & I was bz laughing on the phone, not realising tht he was actually nx to me. Wtfff.


Vainpotbitch.
I loveeee Sunway's washrooms HAHA.

N'way, after eating went shopping! Woohoo. Basically syg decided to date my brother instead so I majok-ed & went to shop till I drop, in a way. Lol. Bought a few tees & a pairs of shoes from Padini, & 2pairs of jeans from Jusco's Voir. All preparations fer university. Hoho. Then went to send syg home. Weirdly my mum had gotten so close to syg you'd suddenly be thinking he's her son & tht we're siblings WTFFF. N'way, mum met with syg's umi, which was apparently very awkward. Haha. Then otw way we got damn sesated we almost ended up going to Ipoh HAHA wtff. Okay I admit, I'm very lazy to blog right now. Ahaha. Sry kiddos. ;P

Aah. Met Boy at Sunway. One of my myspace friends actually, which I met through Nad & Bell. N'way, he was cucuking money from the ATM machine nx to where syg & I were when he kept on looking at me. After a few moments where we both started looking at each other & look away when the other was looking(haha wtf) I started laughing at him & went to say hello.

It was kinda awkward really, not to mention slightly guilty, mainly b'cuz of the fact tht I was really, really close to him last yr, until I got together with Casper tht is. After being with Casper I had decided to stop contacting any other guy, which unfortunately included him. So eventually we fell apart. Although we were so close, we had nvr became an item, despite both being single at the time. N'way, from the way he looked at me, I knew straightaway tht he was thinking of what happened last time. Some mini fling we had. Ngeh3. N'way, tht's all old news, I'm already over it, & he should be too, so yea.


I loveee black, the only way to look slim. T_T


Two more days till class starts. Gah. Hope I'll still have time to update then. Later ppl. <3

Currently tuning into: No Doubt - Don't Speak

Today, the 29th of May 2009, is my baby boo's b'day!! Weee. Bby boo? HAHA wtf. My sweetie's officially a yr older, nineteen to be exact. Happy b'day syg! I love you so fucking much, not even words can explain.

Wanted to celebrate with him, but gah, so many things in the way. & basically he doesn't care cuz apparently he nvr does celebrate his b'day & doesn't seem to understand why it's somehow so important fer me wanting to celebrate his b'day with him. It's not everyday you get to celebrate your boyf's b'day is it? In fact, the last time I attempted doing tht I ended up breaking up with him. Pfft. But n'way, it's his special day, he's your special one, so yea, get what I mean.

N'way, he dropped by a while ago. All the way from Keramat to Subang just to send an wedding invitation letter. Haha. X ke bangang balak aku nih. Was expecting him to at least stay for a while, well, tht is, until he left ten minutes later. Sheesh. Brought all his friends, Meor, Faiz, & another whom I don't recognize. The first thing tht came to my mind was like yea, they're so going to MOS. Clubbing, tht's basically the only reason tht makes sense. All the way to Subang to send an invitation letter? I so don't think so. But n'way, wtvr, it's his b'day, he can go ahead, if he'd rather celebrate with his friends than with me. Gosh I'm such an ungrateful bitch HAHA. Joking. xP

Seriously Idc, really. The only reason I don't like him going is b'cuz I'm scared really. You know, like Rihanna's song Hatin' On The Club? Yea, tht's what I mean. Haha. The thought of having my boyf go to a club to check girls out or to have other girls checking him out is like so, fucked-up. I so don't need all that cuz it's so overrated, & basically if I was there I'd screw those fucktards up. Wtf. N'way, it's just the same as why he doesn't want me to go; the wild people & stuff, yea.

N'way, enough about that. So, at 5 this morning I went to sleep on the sofa, due to me not having my room. Pfft. At 6 mum woke me up & told me to sleep in her bed. So I went, & at the same time syg called. Couldn't talk much really; so you'd understand why I was so pissed about not having my room. So after a short conversation we both went to sleep, with our phones next to each other, as we always did. Well, that is, until 10 minutes later nek came into my room to wake me up & told me to go semayang Subuh. Haha. After muttering yes several times I rolled around & went back to sleep, while at the same time the phone line putus. Cheh kuang aja nye cucu. Haha. Summore before the line putus syg started yawning & moaning. Fyi, I had loudspeaker on as always HAHA. Xtau la nek dgr ke xkan. N'way, I know I mmg kantoi tht I have a boyf cuz I left my necklace on my dresser in my room, so obviously, nek saw it. Lol.

After that I slept on & off until 3pm. Haha. Wasn't used to sleeping in tht bed. The only comfort to me was that I had my teddy bear with me, & tht syg slept there last time, when mummy asked him to sleep at our hse. Haha what a sucker I am. Pfft. Idk why, but fer some reason tht teddy bear tht syg gave to me is always a comfort to me. When I can't sleep I'd hold tht bear & eventually I'll fall asleep, when I'm crying hard I'll hug tht bear & somehow feel calmer & better, when I'm bored I'll look at it & think back of the happy moments I had with syg & start laughing. Idk, mayb it's the fact tht it's from him? Which has gotten me thinking, what if we're done one day? Okay okay, thinking too far. Sheesh.


teddy!
haha cam dak kecik je ;P


Last night found some pics of my kitty Thomas, when he was a kitten. Gosh, I started crying. I miss tht my little baby so so much. Found Thomas behind our house when he was barely a day old, last yr. His eyes wern't even open & he was crying out in hunger. God bless. So we kept him until he was 9 months, until the day he fell sick & left us. Sobs. All the other cats loved him so much. & he was the only cat we had that actually showed love & affection back, maybe b'cuz of the fact tht we were the only family in his life. Told mummy about it while she was cooking. Even mummy started crying. We all still can't believe he's gone. It's such a shame, he was an angel. Even posting about him right now's making me cry.





The one on the right, next to Lucky.
Gah I miss you so much baby. )':


Oh, watched 27 dresses last night. Was thinking it was some movie on fashion only to find out tht it's mainly about marriage. 1st its Bride Wars now 27 Dresses. What's with the marriage movies wey? Haha. Seriously, fyi, this girl here's the very one who had sworn to never get married & have kids. Well, tht is, until she became an item with Casper. Pfft.

N'way, 27 dresses is about this woman who's a wedding planner or sumthing like tht, & is always the bridesmaid at a wedding. Then in the movie she had to plan her demanding sister's wedding with a man she had loved so much. & the usual stoyline comes out, you meet someone you dislike & in one way or another in end up realising tht tht's the exact guy you're in love with. Haha. Ntah la, tgk la cite tu sendiri, besh wooo, romantic. Especially when they started making out in the car..fuhh, menyanggapkan seyh HAHAHA. Jkjk. But there's this scene tht I really love. As quoted from the movie, a kiss tells how exactly your feelings are, or sumthing like tht la. The leading actress kissed the guy she thought she loved & felt nothing. But when she kissed the guy she supposingly hated, wow, sparks were everywhere. Haha. It's true really, a kiss does tell a lot. You can tell if tht person's kissing you sincerely, or just fer fun, well, tht is if you're not blindly kissing like there's no tmrw la. Haha. Tht's the best part about kissing, you get to show your affection fer your loved one. Actions do speak louder than words. ;)

Than there's that line in Bride Wars tht I found amusing too. Apparently, marriage is the beginning of our life. Before marriage, we are all dead. So basically, if you die without marriage, you die dead. Wtf.


I found this interesting. (:

Currently tuning into: Pitbull - Blanco

So, finally I passed my driver's test. Woohoo! Haha. Had my test at like 4pm, due to some stupid new system. & I happened to have arrived there at almost 10. Pfft. N'way, one of the driving instructors, Abg Wan, brought those from the 3rd section(the ones taking the test in the afternoon) to Batu Caves to practice. Praticed with Fiona & Nari, my korean friend, studying in Taylors. N'way, practice was flawless, as it always was, though somehow I always screwed up in the test. Lol.

Had my test at almost 4pm. Things were definitely not going well fer me; I was so darn sleepy since I only had one hr of sleep the previous night, & well, the heat was getting to my head. But n'way, to start things, the slope. Did badly fer my 1st attempt. The tyre was like only less than 30% in wey! Sheesh. Panicked obviously, was scared tht they would skip giving me a second chance & ask me to get out of the car. However, got more than what I thought would be in store fer me. The last thing I expected was for the JPJ officer to look at my test slip & then at me & shout "Laaa bkan amoy eh?" & ask me to go down to slope, which was what happened. Wtf. She didn't even give much of a glance at the fact tht I wasn't even 50% on the line & just asked me to continue onwards, passing me. Call me lucky? Ehh.
Oh fyi, she looked kinda like kak Intan, the boyf's sis HAHA.

So, with tht huge smile on my face I went down to take my test slip & drove to the parking & 3point turn section, while reading all sorts of prayers & somewhat molesting the steering HAHA. N'way, had to wait fer a while; long queue. Lol. While waiting the abgs of SKEM(the name of the place) decided to kaco me. One came to the left side of my car & another to the right, one with a face yg cam nak mkn org, & another with the I-want-to-rogol-you-face HAHAHA. Pfft. N'way, both started staring at me, & despite how uncomfortable I was, wat bodo suda. Eventually, the one on the right was suddenly like "Haa, kan sy igt lg, awk Melayu kan?" & we both started laughing. The one on the left however lmbt pick up, until he saw my test slip & said "Ehh, bkn amoy eh?", then both of them started discussing about me wtf. Basically all the male staff there knew me, I've been there so many times & initially they had mistaken me for being Japanese HAHA.

N'way, after what felt like ages finally it was my turn. Parked in the position I was supposed to park & went to give my test slip to the officer in charge. P.s, he was darn cute, but possibly married too HAHA wtf. Melepas suda hahaha. Seriously wey, he's fucking smart dohh. Okay Farah stop it sheesh. So, did my parking as carefully & as fast as possible, since my spot was like a mini slope, & if I was not careful I would be making poles drop like bowling pins. Haha. Surprisingly, I got through it, & did my 3 point turn, which surprisingly, I passed too! Gosh, once I turned out of the 3 point turn area I practically screamed "Oh-emm-gee," as I went to park my car at the slope area. Came out of the car with this huge smile on my face, & with the urge of wanting to scream out in joy & cry, as the SKEM staff standing there all smiled at me; finally I had passed. Haha.

Went to collect my test slip, & to sign it. Went up to tht abg cute (HAHAHOHOWTFF) & got so overexcited he was like "saba la dik!" while laughing himself. Haha. The other officer however asked me if my mum was Chinese & I said yea. So yea, practically me passing my test made up for everything. Nari failed again though. ):


Meanwhile, nek decided to somehow drop by our hse to sleep for the night. Came to KL from Kota Bahru fer a few days. Just now had trouble getting her to sleep in Papa's room; she insisted on sharing my room with me. Haa, aku, nak share blik? Dgn mlm2 aku gayut phone lg, jgn nak hrap la sape2 nak share blik ngan aku, lantak la ko mak ke bapak ke moyang ke. Apart from the boyf, I'm not sharing my room with anyone wey. WTF. *Cough cough* N'way, my point is, uh, well, there's no point actually. Swt. Nasib baik satu mlm je dohh. Brought my teddy bear with me, plan on staying up all night watching movies on my laptop. Sheesh. Call me sicko man. Fyi, tht teddy bear's a must to have around! I can't sleep without it. :|


Ohh. You know tht film I talked about, Bride Wars? I want my future husband to be like Kate Hudson's husband-to-be in the movie. He called her a sexy smurf when she had blue hair HAHA. Damn sweet+cute wey! & when they were buying their engagement rings. Gah jeles jeles haha.

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Goodbye To You

Had registration at UTAR today. Seriously, everything seemed better than I thought it was. The seniors were really friendly & nice (not to mention cuteeee HOHOHO) & well, it was just basically nice I guess. Can't believe I'm officially a student there now. & class starts nx week! Gah. Oh, & I'm not the only malay there. Yeay!

Having my driving test tmrw. Gosh I dead hope I'll pass it wey! Okay my blogposts are starting to sound so lame I don't see any point in blogging any longer. Wait, actually I forgot what I wanted to post. Pfft.

Oh, I think it's currently horny mosquito season. I've been having mosquitoes bite my leg all day, & some attempting to bite my ass. If I get denggi soon, sorry Casper fer stealing your 'hasrat'. Wtf.







Camwhore.
;P

Currently tuning into: Belanova - Rosa Pastel

Last night went to Kayu Nasi Kandar, Taipan, to have dinner with one of my uncles. Only been there once, with Nad & Bell after taking our Spm results. N'way, when my uncle & his wife saw me they were like, "Wow, Farah's slimmer & prettier now," (in Chinese) HAHA bangge dowh wtfffff. N'way, my uncle gave me Rm50! Weeeeeee Farah suda tidak pokai hohoho. Then some guy came selling pirated Dvds so adik & I bought some. Masyarakat yg xloyal wey wtff. Bought Angels & Demons & Bride Wars fer myself while adik bought Dragonball Evolution & Fast & Furious 4, which is currently in my possession since F&F4 is one hella cunted movie, & Vin Diesel is like omg, fucking gorgeous. & I don't go gaga over some actor easily ok! Haha.

So n'way, got back at almost 12 & watched Bride Wars. Trust me, it's a real nice movie, very funny & quite touching, you guys should really watch it. After that watched F&F4, for the second time after watching it at the cinemas. Gosh, fer someone like me who doesn't watch action movies, tht movies a hit wey! Speed definitely turns me on.

Tonight gonna watch Angels & Demons. Kinda reluctant to watch it alone, since apparently its very gruesome, but n'ways. Hoho.


Sry if my blogpost seems lame, I kinda forgot how to post a decent blog. Besides, this stabbing pain in my upper abdomen's distracting me.
Mayb I'm gonna die soon.
:|

Currently tuning into: Hujan - Aku Scandal

Please tell me it's normal. To keep on thinking about a guy you once loved after meeting him for the first time, after all that. Pfft. Cam xbtol je. Bende dah lame gle kot berlalu.

It's kinda amusing though, after all that hatred I felt last yr, meeting him was basically nothing, like nothing ever happened, & I can still find it fun hanging out with him. Gah gah gah. Bodo tol la.

Those feeling's never entirely die do they?


Meet the plain me.

Currently tuning into: Paramore - Here We Go Again

Some Random Facts About Farah Alia.

- I can be very patient in situations but at the same time I tend to complain about it a whole darn lot.

- If you know me very well, you'd realise that I rarely smile. I laugh a lot, but if you observe me closely, you'll realise that I don't really smile much.

- I usually let my thoughts overshadow me; tht's why I end up feeling so fucked up at times. But the happy thoughts & memories are the ones that keep me sane.

- I worry too much about so many things. B'cuz of that, life tends to be more of a sad case fer me than a happy one.

- I don't cry easily. I only cry when I really can't stand things anymore or if I've kept enough inside of me.

- It takes a whole lot for me to start crying in front of someone, no matter how close a person can be; that includes my family. So if you ever hear or see me crying, you'd know that I've been pushed over the limit.

- When I'm bored, or fed up, or sick with life, I start camwhoring. I wrap up all my emotions & throw them into the picture.

- When I've had enough pain emotionally/mentally, I tend to do self injury; not b'cuz I want to kill or harm myself, but only b'cuz physical pain is much more easier to handle than emotional pain.

- I can give very good advise, but when it comes to my own problems, I tend to do the opposite of what I advise others.

- I get all worked up when I see a girl way prettier than me, I feel sick when I see sweet couples around, I feel crappy when others have so much money to spend. Bottom line, I get jealous very, very easily.

- I always feel very insecure. So insecure that at times I get too immature.

- I prefer to be controlled in a relationship. Not entirely controlled in every single thing of course. Fer example, I prefer the boyf to tell me to not text other guys, or not do certain things, or go certain places (only if what he's disallowing me to do makes sense of course.) It makes me feel more secure; makes me feel like that person really does care about me, & doesn't want to lose me. However, I'll expect him to not do the same things too.

- I hate it when guys cheat(who doesn't really). I hate it when the person I love goes behind my back or goes looking fer other girls; it makes me feel as if I'm 100% unperfect & that there's nothing good about me at all. Another reason to why I'd feel insecure. I prefer him to be committed to only me; I want him to be only mine & noone else's, just as I am only his.

- Listening to music is my all-time passion. No matter where I am, what mood I am in, music soothes & calms me to the core. In other words, music = best friend. <33

- I don't really have friends. I may have many online friends, but when it comes to hanging out & stuff, I don't really have any. Perhaps its the fact that I'm not really that socialized.

- B'cuz of the fact that I don't have many close friends, I seem to feel like I only have my boyf left. Without him, I'll feel alone.

- I really wanna learn how to play the guitar. & sing to myself whenever I'm bored or down. Yet I've never actually gotten myself to buy a guitar & practice.

- After many experiences, I've come to realise that the people I usually love the most are the ones I usually have no feelings for at the beginning. Or maybe I just don't realise that the feelings were already there.

- I don't appreciate compliments. No matter how nice it sounds when someone says you're cute or pretty or summat, I feel that it's not neccessary, cuz let's face reality: I'm not all that. Call me dumb, but anyway.

- I could be a very wild person, just under tight control. Under normal circumstances I would be the average girl that would go clubbing every night, wearing the sexiest clothes & drinking & smoking her ass off. & perhaps the one that would go out & most probably not come back home fer a few days. However, with a loving family & boyf, I've been kept under control. & b'cuz of that, I now have my own ability to control myself & not go over the edge.

- I yearn to be loved. So desperately that feeling unloved makes me feel as if there's no use living any longer. Well, only if I happen to love that person back too.

- I hate hurting others. I rather hurt my own self than others. If I unintentionally hurt others I always try my best to set things right, even if my actions may hurt that person even more at first.

- I don't like giving up. I refuse to be second best, especially when I'm initially first, & I'd do anything to get back my spot. (Funny how I don't seem to apply that in studies.)

- I forgive, very easily. But I never ever forget. I'll make sure that there is revenge, even if it doesn't come from me. I may be nice, but once I start to be mean, I can be deadly. That's why I stick to the quote, that what goes around must come back around.

- I can be very selfish. I don't like sharing, no matter in what situation. I may share once in a while, but very seldom. So imagine how fucked up I felt when I had to share my boyf. It's not easy for a selfish person to start sharing.

- Some people don't see me as Chinese, they actually end up thinking that I'm Japanese. Haha.

- My one & only wish fer my whole lifetime: to go back to London, just once more. Fer holiday, or to study, anything basically, as long as I get to go there once again. I wanna go back to my birthplace & visit the places I used to visit when I was young. Highbury Park, London Zoo, Chessington's, every single damn place. & I wanna meet Rj, Aunt Marie, Uncle June, & Felipe. I miss them so much, they were like my second family when I was growing up in London. I also wanna find my old schoolmates, though they may not remember me anymore.

- My main focus on life is always love. In my opinion, without love you can never be whole. Why, with our parent's love are we even existing right now. That's why, I seek love, welcome love, & appreciate & cherish love. I want to explore the depths & meanings of love, to know about life much more.

- I do believe in God, although I may not practice the practices I'm required to do as a Muslim. I am aware of the powers that He has, & the signs he leaves around to help you, no matter in what situation.


A few random facts. Did it during these past few days. Haha. I'll add more when I get some in my head. Lol.

Oh, read my previous blogposts just now, since I cpl with Casper. The funniest part was how I wrote this random blogpost about him, not knowing that in 5 days time he would be my boyf. Another funny part was where I was telling my readers why I was single fer 5months, not knowing that in days I'd be having the most unexpected person as my boyf.

Amusing really, how I was so in love (course I still am,), how scared I got when we got into a random fight over basically nothing, how I posted my thoughts on how much I feared losing him. Weird really, how my worst fears came true. Scary thinking that while I was posting some of those blogposts, there were really things going on behind my back, in reality. God, if life is like this, I'm don't want to live. It's too scary to face. I swear to God, life is so sooo scary, it's like attempting to jump off a very high cliff when you don't want to die yet. :|

If y'all feel like it, & y'all really have nothing to do, maybe you might wanna check out my blogposts since October 2008, right until now. Hahaha. I know I had fun reading it. Maybe cuz it's obviously about my own life la wtf. It may be a nuisance seeing me post about Casper like in every single post, but trust me, being in my place, you'd find a whole lot of emotions reading them back in the future. N'way, links to my previous blogposts are on the right, if you haven't noticed by now. -->>

(:

Currently tuning into: Celine Dion - All By Myself

Went to UTAR PJ just now with mummy. The place was hard to find wey! Surrounded by factories & stuff, mummy had second thoughts on me going there. Gah. I'm dreading entering U right now; apparently I'm gonna be the only Malay there. Pfft. & mummy's scared tht I'll be crushed by the pressure there; Chinese are very, very competitive. Help!!! Gah gah gah. T_T


Weirdly, fer once I have no mood to blog. Haha. Mayb some other time.

Oh ppl, your assumptions are all wrong. I don't go clubbing, & I've never been clubbing to be exact. I still find it weird how so many people assume that I'm the type to go clubbing every night, or sumthing like tht. Maybe in future I may try to go clubbing, but fer now, my club virginity's still intact.
;)

Currently tuning into: Akon - Hypnotized

Was browsing Bell's blog just now, & curik this:

If a girl cries in front of you,
it means that she couldn’t take it anymore.
If you take her hand,
she would stay with you for the rest of your life.
If you let her go,
she couldn’t go back to being herself anymore.

A girl wont cry easily,
except in front of the person who she love the most,
she becomes weak.


Ngahaha. So the boyf wants to laugh at me fer crying almost all the time? With reasons la obviously bukan skit2 nangis skit2 nangis la duhh. Swt.

N'way, this morning at 7 had mummy bang on my door, & threw the car keys in my face, shouting at me to go sort out the car, tht died halfway while she was going to fetch adik to school. N'way, it was 7am, so you could imagine how blur I was. N'way, after taking the keys I went to get my jacket & went outside. Seeing no Kancil I assumed mummy sent it to the workshop, so I went back up & landed once again on my bed to go back to sleep. Well, tht is, until I realised that I was holding the car keys. HAHAHA wtf. & I stupidly assumed tht the car was at the workshop la. Abis kete tu xyah pkai kunci la kan. Duhh. So n'way, went out again & saw the car at the end of the road. So with my messy hair, blur face, jacket & shorts I walked to the car. Haha. The car could start obviously, so I drove it back. Apparently it only died once you attempted to on the aircon.

So. Getting all panicky I called the boyf. Why, only God knows cuz basically, it wasn't as if he'll actually wake up & answer his phone. Pfft. Basically I was panicking b'cuz everytime syg drove the car there was always a problem with it the nx day. Pdhal aku tgk bwk cam biase je. Ok, so maybe a bit too fast, but other than tht, nothing really. Lol. But since I drove the car & the problem must have been something to do with the aircon, I knew it wasn't his fault; even mummy knew the air con was faulty. So yea, nasib baik doh t'lps. Sheesh.


Oh. The other night some guy called Tatie added me in Ym. After chatting he asked fer my number, & I gave it (don't fucking ask me why wey, Idfk.) However tht night I didn't reply his msgs since some other guy called me & shortly after tht I did super savers with my boyf. After tht I didn't really layan him. Haha. N'way, just now he added me in Myspace. Found it weird for the fact tht initially he told me he had no myspace, & yet here he was. The stupid part about all this was tht he had no idea tht I am tht girl he was chatting with tht night. He got confused when I asked him why is it tht he has myspace when he told me tht he doesn't. Mayb it's the fact tht I use a different pic in Ym. Lol.

N'way, in his page there was a cute pic of him with his girlf. Only then did I realise tht he probably told me he didn't have a myspace b'cuz he wanted to hide the fact tht he has a girlf. Urgh. You know, those are the exact guys tht I hate. But who am I to say anything, my own boyf did tht, hide the fact tht I still exist in his life, to other girls. *cough cough* Wtvr, leave the past.

N'way, let's get to the point. Tht guy's cute, & when I say cute, I mean fucking cute. This time last yr I'd probably have jumped in joy in having such a cute hottie call or text me at night. Yet, I felt nothing. In fact, I didn't reply his msgs after tht night, claiming I had not credit, when basically I have like what, rm20? Pfft. See how much I've actually changed within this yr.

Oh, I hate period cramps. You boys have no idea just how fucking lucky y'all are.

Currently tuning into: Kat Deluna Ft Lil Wayne - Unstoppable

So. Amin sygs & Yon just went home. Yes, Yon as in my ex scandal. This was the first time meeting him. Pfft.

N'way, was expecting syg to come, we were supposed to go out to get my baju kurung. But I didn't even know tht he arrived, until mummy called me to come down, Amin was here with a friend. So there syg walked in, grinning cheekily while I asked him why he didn't call or text. You could only imagine how surprised I was to see his friend walk in. Despite never meeting Yon I could rmbr his face from his pics as well as ever. Was slightly shocked, never in a million years did I ever expect syg to bring Yon to my hse, not after knowing what had happened between us. But hey, what do you know, he's actually quite a nice guy, I really had fun hanging with him.

Mummy asked me whether I knew this friend of Amin's & I admitted that last year I had had a crush on Yon. It's a good thing I didn't tell her that these were the two idiots involved in tht so-called accident last yr tht had made me cry so badly. Xkene lak dorg nnt kan. Sheesh. Which reminds me, I actually surprised my own self when I confessed to my mother that I had had a crush on some guy HAHA. Never done tht wey! Shows how close I've gotten to my mum recently.

So, went to Masjid India to look for my baju kurung. Was really hard to find, tht silver baju kurung of mine, but somehow ended with one, a silver-gray coloured baju kurung with red flowers, credits to syg who chose it. Rm 35 only wey! Okay, not so good quality kain wtf, but still very, very cheap. Mum got heart attack seeing it, & scolded Amin; said I was 18, not 81(apparently it looked too old fashioned fer me HAHA). But n'way, since Amin said it was ok, tembak je la. Lol.

After that went to Petronas near my house to have dinner at Kfc. Then came home & lepaked at my house, listening to mummy rant on & on about dirty politics while I did a mini facial for Amin & Yon pretended to listen & watch tv, when really he was on the way to falling asleep. Ahaha. Oh, syg just told me he arrived at Keramat. & he left my house like what, less than half an hour ago? Mengalahkan rempit kot. & I told him to bwk moto slowly & asked Yon to watch him. Wtfff.

Oh, refrained myself from checking his phone throughout the whole day. Much as I may have forgiven him for the past things he did, I definitely did not forget, & I obviously still don't trust him. Maybe I'm starting to trust him a little again now, but there's still a long way to go. Didn't see the point of checking his phone; cause if I found anything I would the one in the end feeling fucked-up, & this time I definitely wouldn't have kept quiet, I would have started screaming at him on the spot, & once tht happens, I can assure you that it would not be a pretty sight.

He's grown up enough, he should know what is right & what is wrong, I'm sure that myspace blogpost of mine has said enough, both for him & for me. He should know by now on how to make the right choices. Klu nak sgt curang lg, jgn menyesal nnt. If he really meant every word he said in tht text msg last night, he better watch his steps, cuz at this point I'm already at, if he puts another toe out of line after this, I won't hesitate to leave, no matter how painful it will be.

I just realised that this was the very first time ever where we spent our anniversary together, even if it was just a random outing. In these 7 months we've nvr actually met on an anniversary day. Haha.

Meanwhile, the bestie Nad gets bitchy whenever I talk about my boyf. Apparently she still thinks I'm stupid to continue on after all this. Seriously, she should understand, to never judge a situation cuz basically, you'll nvr know how it's really like unless you put yourself in tht person's shoes. So, aku xkisah. Lantak ar ko nak fkir aku ni bodo camne pun kan, hidup aku nye sendiri, xde sape2 ley control, selain aku, xde sape ley mengubah hidup aku, melainkan aku nak mengubahkannye sendiri. Klu t'luke aku tanggung la sendiri, pengalaman sendiri kan. But as my bestie I seriously hoped you could at least be my shoulder to cry on. Pape je la. I'm already used to being all by myself when I'm sad & down.


See why I don't give a fuck anymore? B'cuz the more I think the more my own head feels like cracking, not anyone else's. Tht's why the best way is to not bother at all.
(:

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Love Story

7 months bby!


Hoho. Now who would have thought that I would make it in time fer another month? Me of course. Haha wtff. Syg sent me the sweetest text msg evurrr half an hour ago. Just reading it made me tear up with laughter & joy. Tangisan terharu la kononnye HAHA. & I don't tear up from msgs easily okeh! Haha. Gah. Seven months wey. I still find it hard to digest the fact that we've already been together fer so long. All those up & downs, happiness & disapointment, yet, here we are.


I knew that I had chosen the right person when he asked me to be his girlf on the 20th of October 2008, at 4am. Despite not realising I already had feelings fer him then, despite giving up on relationships & ending up being single fer 4 months before him, despite every little detail I may have missed out then, I knew that from that moment I had made the right choice. I didn't come this far fer nothing you know. (:


I love you so goddamn fucking much Casper.
♥♥♥

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Disturbia

Gah. Fuck la. Was hoping to settle my license tmrw, only to be texted by my driving agency, saying that they can't do the test tmrw. By the looks of it it may be next week, & basically that would make me really packed. Tuesday, registration. Was hoping to maybe somehow get syg to sleepover tht night since basically he would be the one accompanying me there. But well, if the test's on Wednesday, no chance huh?

So much for celebrating his b'day nx Friday. I obviously won't ask him to come all the way here, it's his b'day, he shouldn't go through the trouble. I'll just catch a train or bus or sumthing; I don't fucking care, I'm not missing him on his b'day fer nothing. Nnt pndi2 la blk. He's done tht all the time, now's my turn.

Gah. I wonder why is it that I'm so jinxed with getting my license. Mum's saying it's me, but if it is then how can you explain tht time when I was guaranteed to pass (don't ask me how)? I could have easily gotten my license then, if only tht stupid idiot didn't wrongly fail me. Mainly I'm worried something will go wrong again nx week, & if tht happens, I swear I'd really feel like killing myself. I mean, even now everyone including me's worried about how I'd be getting to classes nx month. The initial plan was for me to drive, but with so little time to practice, tht is if I even get my licence nx week, no one's gonna trust me with driving alone, & tht obviously includes myself; I'm slightly too cowardly in driving to be honest.

For the first week I wouldn't be so worried, since syg's around & I would have to stay at his hse n'way fer the week, but what about the weeks to come?! Hopefully I'll be able to practice driving around within tht short period of time. Pfft. Kusut sial. Instead of thinking so much, I'd just wait for time. Sheesh.



Now, you people see? Why I wanted to delete my blog? This was the reason. Skit2 blog, x ke bangang aku ni haha.
T_T

Currently tuning into: Shakira - La Tortura

So. After what, 2-3 days of deleting my blog. Just b'cuz the boyf said he actually enjoyed reading it & I, thinking back, did post quite a few nice memorable posts here, decided to restore it back. Haha.

Why I deleted my blog? The other day I got pissed at basically nothing, again involving my boyf. & straight away I started blogging, until halfway tht is, I got kinda lost at what I actually wanted to post. It suddenly occured to me that I was too dependent on this blog of mine, until every single little emotion I had I would start blogging. It's not wrong really, but it felt like a bad obsession, somehow.

Maybe it was the guilt I felt dissing my boyf here fer the past few weeks. People make mistakes, so why do I have to make him look like the biggest loser on Earth? He's not all bad, if he was I wouldn't be with him in the 1st place. I guess I didn't have anyone to let out to, & ended up letting out in my blog, & maybe exaggerate abit. Ntahla, nak explain pun xtau nak explain camne. =.=


N'way, the day was good actually. I spent the whole day being joyful & full of laughter. Decided to really push the bad emotions aside & just enjoy a day in my life fer once. I had finally gotten sick of feeling so selfless, so insecure. Just decided to not give a fuck of what was going on around me. For once, it worked. I laughed at the most random things & kept a smile on my face the whole day. I guess I tortured myself thinking negative thoughts & stuff, which was why I nvr really recovered. N'way, as a closure to these negative thoughts, I actually posted a blogpost in my Myspace blog, & sealed it with a smile. Yeap, that exactly how I want things to be right now. I don't want to try so hard & end up disapointing myself. But n'way, instead of elaborating, go look it up yourself. (:

Okay, so I watched the Love Guru last night. Haha. Slightly dirty, but darn funny, & there was really a lot tht you could learn. Yes, coming from a Mike Myers movie, seems impossible really. Haha. But the movie made sense. It is true in fact, that if you can't learn how to love yourself first, you can never love another. It's a nice movie, do watch it. (:



Oh. You guys ever wondered, why I named my blog True Love Lies?

Well, I first created this blog, in 2006. Being the typical 15-yr old, I was your average girl who was always crushing on some guy & stuff. I was known by friends to be the girl to fall in love fast. Mainly 'true love lies' came to my head cuz generally, I had the opinion that in every single person, lies the ability to truly love another, no matter how bad or heartless the person could be. There you go, true love lies. ;)

Today, ask me why & I'll give you a whole new reason. After so many experiences, in a way you know. Why True Love Lies? B'cuz love is complicating. No matter how true, how deep, how strong love seems to be, there are always lies beneath the surface. But within the lies, true love will still remain, & will always remain. Xmsuk akal? Haha. Twist & turn the words around, & apply them in my situation, maybe you'll somehow get what I mean. (:





1 more day. <33

Currently tuning into: Katy Perry - Ur So Gay

Oh. Didn't mention anything about the subs tht have been selected fer me once I start U did I? It was written on my receipt or bill or wtvr you call it. Yes, even before I register they already have the bill ready fer you to pay up haha wtf. Typical Chinese la kan, although with high standards money is always needed. Pfft. No racist offence or something here, cuz if y'all haven't realised I happen to be almost 80% chinese so yea. Sheesh.

So, 1st there's English. Not much prob fer me there, cuz after all English is my all-time fave sub, so yea, easy kot. Then there's Principles of Economics & Introduction To Accounting, where I'm gonna be so dead since I know nuts about those two subs & only God knows until now why the hell I stupidly chose to enter Science class in Form 4 HAHA. =.=

Apparently mummy & Wan Ying said tht Econs can be quite easy, once you get to know the graphs & stuff. Uh, yea, graphs. Even the word itself made me sink, so don't talk about it getting easy wey. Pfft. N'way, after tht there's Computer Studies, which I may most probably have no prob with. But of course, there was one sub written on the bill tht made my heart really sink. Public Speaking & Communication.

Haha. Uh, okayyy. I thought tht sub was only meant fer those planning to take Mass Com; only did I realise tht if you were in business, you would obviously have to talk too wtf. Seriously, even in Form 5 I would break a sweat when doing my Oral. Which reminds me, I was almost always nvr ready & supposingly did it 'spontaneously'. Well, tht is, until I start crapping in front of the class HAHAHA. Pfft. N'way, thinking back on when I was working, my social skills wasn't tht bad really; customers actually liked & complimented the way I communicated with them, so yea, hopefully I'll do good. Then lastly there's Maths for Business & Social Science, where I have a feeling tht it won't be about calculating numbers. Pfft. Apart from tht there's Pengajian Malaysia, Bahasa Kebangsaan & Pengajian Islam, the 3 compulsory subs I have to take. So there's like 9 subs altogether. Pfft.

It's abit too sudden really, so many things happening at once. I really don't know if I'm more nervous or scared or even happy about entering U. It's scary thinking tht no, this is no longer school, & how things will be so much tougher. & I'm wondering how bad or good I'll end up doing, especially after not studying fer so long, cuz basically, I was nvr the studious type, & no matter how much I say now tht I'll concentrate on studies only, I'm wondering just how long I can concentrate before I start to go lepaking or clubbing at night HAHA sheesh. But wtvr it is, I'm really hoping tht life as a university student will be interesting fer me.

Oh, & the boyf won't have to worry about me 'curang-ing' on him (as if he would even care wtf) & mummy won't have to worry about me fooling around & not studying cuz basically, come to think of it, the students there are 95% chinese, & I've nvr, ever been attracted to Chinese guys, no matter how cute they are & I nvr seem to get along well with a lot of Chinese ppl, apart from ppl like Mei Xin, Wan Ying, & Sophia. But n'way, who cares, Frh's there to study okeh!

Study la sgt.
-.-


Oh, I just rmbred. It's Teacher's Day! Ahaha dah kul brp dah skrg br nak igt. Still rmbr last yr's celebrations, hilarious wey. Funny how you finished school & all this things tht seemed so fun then can be forgotten now.

Currently tuning into: Panic! At The Disco - Northern Downpour

So. I go to the pasar malam nearby my house, with intentions to look for my baju kurung to wear for the wedding, only to go home with nothing but a ciplak Swatch watch costing rm10 only HAHA. Mum always complained bout me not wearing a watch, so there you go. Hoho.

Gah, half a month left, & I can't find my baju kurung anywhere. Apparently it's hard to find a plain coloured baju kurung nowadays, unless u buy the kain & sew it yourself. Kain pun aku xjumpe. Pfft. Mum got me excited by telling me she had a plain one, only to say in the end tht is was pink & kinda too small for me. Sheesh. T_T

So yea, if any if you all actually know wear I can find a plain silver coloured baju kurung, please contact me! Oh, if you're somehow plan on telling me there's one on display at some shop in Mydin please don't bother, aku dah tgk, tu baju pengantin kot. Aku bkn nak kawen la skrg. =.=

Gah. My ass & legs feel as if they're about to drop off soon. Sakit gle babi sial! Even my arms also wat hal, despite the fact tht I didn't really do weights today, I think. Wtf. I need a massage. Waaa.

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin' On The Club

Just now at gym went fer cycling class. God, after months of not going, it felt like hell. The burning in my thighs was more than enough to bear. Felt like screaming my lungs out yet no sound came out. & Bryan just had to do jumps & tht stupid Ting Ting song today, knowing tht I haven't been cycling for like what, half a yr? Pfft.

& you should seriously salute those on The Biggest Loser; they must have enormous will to actually exercise like that. & I go to gym almost 5 times a week & can't even stand half an hour in a spinning class. Wtff. N'way, despite all tht, hard work paid off. I've already lost 7kg within 2 weeks! OK, mainly that was b'cuz I didn't eat fer the past few days b'cuz I was still so sakit ati but n'way.

Don't tell me tht's unhealthy, I do exercise so I consider tht healthy enough eventhough I try my best to not eat at all nowadays. & even if one day I'd drop down & faint or summat I'll still consider that good since I've already lost some weight with it. Call my crazy, but I'm aiming to drop at least another 8-9kg before Abg Boy & Kak Norlie's wedding. That is, if nothing happens between me & Amin before the wedding day. Sheesh.

Yea, me & Amin. I've decided to cut the crap of confronting him & starting a fight that I always lose to. I'm sick of fighting all the time, cuz basically him being the person he is, wouldn't give a fuck, & I'll be the one in the end being sober & fucked-up. So yea, shutting my mouth up is better I guess.

I've currently learnt to not give a fuck about what he wants to do, cuz the more I bitch about it the more I myself seem to be jeopardizing our already ruined relationship. I'm already too tired of thinking he's with some other girl, or doing things tht I don't like, stuff like tht. I'm tired of waiting for his text msgs or calls tht will nvr come n'way. So yea, I don't give a fuck right now, it's up to him on whether he wants to even contact me, or doesn't want to, or anything la, janji bahagia hidup die.


So. Yea. Now all I'm concentrating on is losing tht xtra 8-9kgs by end of this month, even if I had to die to do it I'll make sure it happens, & nothing else. I wanna start a new life as a new person once I step into college. Oh, don't ever ask what my current weight is, boyf or bestie or whoever; I'll fucking shoot you. =.=

Which reminds me. Later I wanna go fer a jog. I consumed so many calories just now I might as well commit suicide. Join me? Haha. ;P

Do I really have a problem?
Or well, what exactly, other than tht?

God, I'm so confused, I can barely tell what's right or wrong right now.

I know I have issues, but I'm sure it can't be all me.
Again, only time can tell.
& I'm hoping it will tell fast, cuz I'm running out of patience.

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Homecoming

Now. Here's one thing to truly make my day. Or night in this case wtf.



I got in! Yeay! Gah. I was so damn scared tht I'll be rejected, since I applied so late, but omg, here it is, exactly what I was waiting for! :D

Soooo. Looks like my thoughts may come true after all. Accept for tht renting a place part la. Wtf.

Now's the very one time I can safely & genuinely say I'm happy. Though, I would be so much happier if I got to share my happiness with Amin. Who, obviously, didn't reply my msg. Pfft.


God, shut up Farah. Someone shoot me.

Currently tuning into: 1st Ladi - Never Be Replaced

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced
Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced

I love you,
Yes I do.
I'll be with you as long as you want me to,
Until the end of time.
From the day I met you I knew we'd be together.
And now I know I want to be with you forever, I wanna marry you and I want to have
your kids.
Thinking can never compare to the feeling of your kisses.

I can say I'm truly happy till this day.
You make me thank god that I live my life every day.
Theres never been a doubt in my mind that I'd regret ever having you by my side.
But if the day comes that I have to let you go
I think there's something I should probably let you know,
Enjoyed everday that I spent with you and I will miss you cause I'm happy that I had
you at all.

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced
Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced

I feel for you yes I do
I'll be with you as long as you want me to
Until the end of time.



This song still sends tingles all over my body. I rmbr when Amin & I first started dating, & how he'd force me to sing this song to him before I go to school. Haha. Well, only then did I find out that he recorded me singing & kept it in his phone. Pfft.

God, so many things, & I still wonder why everything had to end up this way. Okay, I'm so starting again. Someone's got to shoot me in the head with a gun soon.

Now I understand why a relationship must have trust. Without trust, nothing goes, no matter how much you even love that person.

Currently tuning into: Forever The Sickest Kids - Phone Call



Something about this cmnt above made me wanna cry. Haha. Bkan sbb sdih la ngok. Tp ntah, cam nak nangis lak lpas bce wtf. Oh, tht's Ramzy btw, Amin's friend, tht I got to know in myspace, through Amin of course. Lepaked with him a few times, quite a nice guy.

N'way, it's already halfway through May wey! Damn fast. Yet it does feel like a loooong time since I finished school. Pfft. Really hoping to get accepted in UTAR nx month. & if I am accepted, I wanna rent an apartment nearby there, if mummy approves. Not tht expensive really, less than rm800 can get already, 2bedrooms & 1bathroom. Tht's if it's still available la. Can rent a room actually, but I prefer to have my own privacy, & have friends over at times, like Amin or Nad. Weee. Haha. Duhh aku ni ckp cam byk duit lak HAHA sheesh.

N'way, I've already planned. Before I start studies I'm gonna get mummy & papa to buy me new clothes (university, like hello! tiap2 ari mesti kene nmpk smart kan HAHA), & I'm gonna convince them that it will be too a hassle to ulang alik from PJ, b'cuz of the jam, & that they should just let me rent a place & gimme the car to transport myself. HAHAHA celake nye anak. Wtff. N'way, the car I know is confirmed, since obviously I'll be needing transport. She was a bit fussy though, I've been attempting to get my license fer the past few months & kept on failing with dignity hahahohoheheheeee. Blame stupid William la! Guarantee pass my fucking foot wey! Wat malu aku lg byk ade la. Duhhh. Sheesh, die gak kene. Ahaha.

Oh, & this morning I hinted syg to send me to U next time, since my nx jpj test might be on the 20th(on my anniversary wey wtf!) & if I do succeed in getting my license then there won't be enough time fer me to practice, since class starts on the 1st. Again, tht is, if I get accepted into UTAR. Pfft. So, while I was trying to make it seem as long & complicating as possible, unfortunately for me syg got the point & was like "Ni nak I jd driver la nih?!" WAHAHAHA. What's he complaining wey! I bg kete gune lak tuhh. (Psst, only for the 1st few weeks la, after tht he can go main jauh2 HAHAHA jaht nye bini tol daaa,) Lol jkjk.

Okay, I'm getting overexcited. In the first place, I don't even know yet whether I'm accepted, & tht stupid license. Gah, I'm so jinxed in getting it wey! All my practices are flawless, I wasn't nervous during the last exam, yet the stupid tiang decided to ruin my day. Pfffftt. Kaco daun man.

I had in mind a b'day surprise fer syg, whose b'day's on the 29th. However, thx to him asking whether I was planning anything fer his b'day its no longer a surprise.

Yea ppl, I was planning to buy a b'day cake fer him & drive all the way to Keramat, without telling him anything. Gosh for a coward like me, wanting to drive all the way to Keramat is somehow insane. Haha. But a few days back Amin pndi2 ask me whether I had any plans like us going out to eat or summat & told me tht he wanted to go Melaka (or ajk me go Melaka, something like tht la, xigt daa). So yea, now I'm figuring out something else to plan. Haha.

N'way, better get going, it's 3am & I need to sleep. Haha. Nite loves. <33

Currently tuning into: Dj Tiesto - Traffic

So. To continue from last night, due to listening to the way-too-loud-music with my headphones, I had trouble going to sleep. The thumping of trance continued thumping at my head, despite not listening to it anymore. My head felt heavy, & I spent the next few hours rolling around on my bed, feeling cold, & the next feverish, & the next cold again. & in the morning my head was so heavy that I woke up & started getting all menggelabah, thinking it was already 3 when it was only 9am HAHA.

God, if this is somehow how clubbing is, I just can't imagine how ppl can add drugs & alcohol to it. The music is enough of a killa. But seriously speaking, if no one controlled me, that would be exactly how I would have turned out, kaki clubbing, most probably getting drunk every other night. Face reality ppl, but I'm basically a wild person & only b'cuz of my family & boyf & loved ones can I remain decent.

Guess I've found a way to cure my headaches, to cure the aching heart I've been having this past few weeks. You'd be thinking I'm mental, effect dah camtu nak wat lg. But trust me, that pain is nothing, nothing compared to the heartache I felt. NOTHING. I can't cry out any longer, I'm already out of tears from crying so much this past week. My head's gone all numb, I can no longer think, just b'cuz I've gone to the point where thinking is useless.

Although everything's more or less back to normal, I'm not. Definitely not the same person I was. All the past events have taken a toll on me, & I'm no longer myself. I can't trust anyone anymore, not even my own self. I feel so heartless. Yet I can only blame myself for making things so complicating. But, I chose all this myself, I had choices, so I'll just move ahead, & hope fer the best.

There's no use blaming yourself fer mistakes you make, or others for mistakes they make. Everyone makes mistakes, they should just learn to let it go & start over, make a better beginning. Why make yourself feel crappier. Yes, it's stupid hearing that from someone as gone case as me really.

Honestly, I'm sick & tired of you ppl saying that I'm so strong, all this happening & I sacrifice so much just for a loved one. I'm sick & tired of ppl saying all this proves just how much I love him. Pfft, as if I don't know how much I love him, as if I don't know how much it had costed for me to sacrifice my own happiness. If those are what you call compliments, I'd rather not have them at all. If I had to go through all that just to receive compliments like that, I don't want those compliments at all. Please don't tell me to be patient, to 'bersabar', it hurts me even more. I don't need anyone's sympathy, I don't want anyone's sympathy.


But despite all this, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for every single thing I have right now. I'm grateful I still have him here by me, despite everything that happened, despite the emotional torture I have to endure just to have him back. I've never been more grateful in my whole life than right now. Maybe this whole event was an eye-opener fer me. I always took things fer granted, & after almost losing the one thing I love the most, I realised how so many things that may seem to stay forever may eventually leave, if you're not careful in keeping them. Guess I had to learn all this the hard way.

So, who am I to complain really. Everything happens for a reason, no matter if it's good or bad. The aim is to find out why, & learn. Now, I can only pray & hope to God that in future nothing like this will happen again. Really, once is enough. Which is why, after this post, I'm closing this chapter of my life, & starting over. No more sadness, no more pain, nothing. From now onwards, I'll work hard to keep this relationship happy & sane, right until the moment comes where nothing can be really done, & the only solution is to end everything.

For once ever since May started, I can finally say I am okay. (:

Currently tuning into: Cascada - Wouldn't It Be Good

There. On top is two sound clips, as some might have known, of me. Haha wtff. Yea, I was fiddling with my phone yesterday afternoon & sebgai hasilnye, bende2 alah kat ats tu la HAHA. So, feel free to maki2 la yerk wtf. =.=

N'way, both those songs are sung by our very own Malaysia's local artist, Yuna. Fyi I'm not stealing or summat ni bende bodo yg diwat semate2 utk wat korg glak hahahohohehe ayt pun xbtol WTF. Lmao. One's called Missing Star & the other's a part of Here By Me. Just listen & kutuk laa, mlas nak explain byk2. (:

So, it's 4 in the morning (gwen stefani wtf) & i'm just gonna go up to bed. Crack my head on how to post the clips, since the websites I usually go to were so darn slow. But after much persuading from Syukri, who went as far as to make me open a myspace music page just so he can put my voice on his pg wth, there you go. Haha. Enjoy laughing bbys. (:

Just now I got into a very weird mood of mine by doing things quite crazy fer my level right now. Started playing status2 in ms with Syukri, as we always do when both of us are fucked up (haha), when eventually by the end of the night I ended up having to play status changing with four ppl; Syukri, his new gf Yatie, my own boyf & his friend Haikal. Wthhh. Dahlah bende alah tu sesuai utk 2 org je kan. Haha. Xpning lak aku kan.

At the same time I spent the past few hours listening to trance, blasting it to the max (fyi I was using headphones). So yea, it's a wonder I can still hear. Haha lol. Apart from that I sent cmnts to more than 10 ppl & ended up having to chat with all of them. So yea, imagine how bz I was haha.

N'way, I'm exhausted. Cmnts on my suare sumbang can be sent through myspace cmnts, facebook cmnts, ym, msn, pape je la. Haha. Niteee my babys. <33

Currently tuning into: Hinder - Without You

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ^not ready to let you leave.


All those couples that go on for years. I wonder how they get through their problems. Menipu bsar la kan klu ckp sde prob lgsg. & those who break up after years together. I wonder how they manage it. If it were me I'd just gulp down a whole bottle of clorox or something & be done with it. T_T

Alright, here I am, draining myself with those stupid thoughts again. God, someone please, please help me out of this misery. I seriously can't take it anymore, I just feel like jumping off a cliff or something. Yet, what confuses me the most is, there's nothing wrong atm really. I still have him, there's no other girl (supposingly la kan), he's still talking to me (in a way la), yet why do I feel so shitty?? Gahh. Someone's gonna have to refrain me bfore I end up doing stupid stuff again. Pfft.

Ten more days till my 7th month anniversary. Under normal circumstances I'd be really excited, eventhough I won't be celebrating anything as usual, but now, is it even neccessary counting the days any longer? For god sakes will he even rmbr it anyway? Gah. Even knowing he's still with me isn't helping anymore. I just want him right here with me at this moment, hugging & kissing me & telling me that he is still here by me, that the events these few days are forever over & done with, & there's only two of us, just as it had always been.

Everything seems so close yet so far away. It was only last week we spent a few days together, 4 whole solid days to be exact, yet after all this it seems like years since I last saw him. I guess I'll be feeling this way right until I see him again, though only God knows when.

My worst fear; losing loved ones. It only seemed like a phrase, not until I really experienced it. After almost losing Amin, I feel scared of everything. I'm scared of life, scared of the future, I'm even scared of myself. Sheesh.




N'way, enough about me seriously, it's Mother's Day wey!



Happy Mother's Day mummy! I've never shown enough gratitude for these 17 yrs of my life to prove just how much you mean to me. I've done so many things in the previous yrs tht have upsetted you, yet you took care of me & here I am, the person I am right now, eventhough still a useless git HAHA.

All these yrs I would hate you whenever you yell or scold me, yet now I know you did all that b'cuz you love me. I feel touched when you tell Nad & Saleh & Amin that really I'm a good girl compared to many teenagers of this generation nowadays, eventhough you know I've done a lot of bad things in the past. Despite all that, you nvr pushed me away, & still tried you best to make me as useful as a person should be. I don't know really how to put everything into words, but yet, I'm sure you know what I mean. (:

I'd never ever forget the day I brought Amin home to meet you. The very 1st boyf I brought home! Haha. I nvr expected you to approve of him, to be so open & sporting about me having a boyf. I still thank you for teaching me how to be a good girlf, for teaching me how to take care of him, just b'cuz you know how much I love him. Like that night, when I didn't dare come home b'cuz papa was home early (lol!). Under normal circumstances, I expected you to say tht I shall nvr meet him again. I was so scared & upset that night. Yet I felt a rush of a whole lot of gratitude when all you did was scold us & even let him stay at home! Haha. I'm grateful that you were so concerned when I fought with Amin over the phone tht night, though I'm sorry I didn't explain, I didn't know how to. I feel very grateful of the support you gave me & Amin, & how much you accepted him, this is one thing I will never ever forget. You were so understanding, you even showed me how to advise Amin to build him into a good future husband! Ahaha.

I've been with you whenever you're happy, whenever you're sad. It hurts when I see you cry, when I see you so so sad. I'm glad that with just my presence I lessen the pain that you felt. I'm grateful fer all the advise you gave. A lot of your advise helps me grow up. I enjoy the laughter we share, no matter what we're laughing about. I feel so protected whenever you hug me when I cry, when I'm sad. Eventhough I rarely come to you for help, it feels comforting knowing you're always around.

I love you so so much mummy, I just don't know how to express it. Ever since I finished school, & spent more time at home, only do I realise just how much you mean to me. You showed me the horrors in this world & taught me how to protect myself. You are always there to catch me if I fall. From now onwards, all I can do is be the person that you've always wanted me to be. Successful in studies & life, be able to get a good future husband, have my own happy family. Thanks fer giving birth to me mummy. I love you. (:

Currently tuning into: Ne-yo - Mad

UTAR, UNISEL, UNITAR. Got acceptance letters from all, except fer UTAR. My acceptance will be confirmed by next week I guess. & I've planned really. If I don't get accepted into UTAR, I'll register into Sunway University College & do my A-Levels there. & then hopefully, continue my studies in London. According to mummy those born there usually get discount in studying there. So, might as well try my luck right? Tht is, klu msuk Sunway la kan.

My mind's finally numb from thinking. That's why today I did the last thing I wanted to ever do, which was leave Amin. I didn't want to feel as if I was forcing him through all this, & it's seemed like the best solution really. But in the end, he insisted nothing was wrong, so yea, we're still together. Wtf.

It seemed so easy, calmly sending a text, no tears, no sadness, nothing. But after that, well, steady shaking, trembling, & silent tears was enough to explain the whole situation I guess. I guess I overestimate at times how strong I am. I sure have a whole lot to learn about myself.

Life's too short really to think too much, even more so when nothing really happens, even if you think. It's not like after a whole lot of thinking the problems magically go away or something. There's just a whole lot more things more important in life. Guess I just needed peace, to somehow think straight.

Oh. I'm finally eating again, after almost 3-4 days of basically not eating. If I'm not careful the 5kg I lost is gonna come back with another xtra 10kg HAHA. Pfft. Xmati lak aku. Tht's it. Tmrw I'm gonna refrain myself from eating again. T_T


& thanks to those that follow my blog. I didn't realise I had so many followers. Haha. ;)

Currently tuning into: Flyleaf - Justice & Mercy

God. I found all my answers. & Idk whether I should feel relieved, glad, angry, sick, or what.

I've been in the exact same situation as her before. God is great. I understand now what tht dream of Yon meant. All the signs. Everything. God is seriously great.

Everything makes sense now.

Since you're not gonna give me direct answers, I'd find them myself, & learn fer myself the whole truth. Even if I have to snoop around like a fucking nosy idiot I'd do it, just to know what I really should after this.

Me, selfish? I'll fucking show you how selfish I can become. I, make you feel like shit? We'll see just how shitty we both can make each other feel. Dead bitchy I am doing all this, at least I won't be kept in the dark, & I'll know exactly what's the next step. You could have made everything so easy, but you didn't, & I'd just have to go the hard way to find those stupid answers. This is one side of me no one fucking knows, not even myself.


One down, one more to go. Well, fer now tht is. I can't believe I'm fucking doing this shit. But hey, the clues came to me, I just had to make use of them. This is God's way of helping me, no other excuse. At least after this I know where loyalty lies, & whether all of this is a fucking lie or not.

Noone, nothing's ever pushed me to this limit. Only heavens know what made me become so unlike me. I'm hating it, but if the only way to find truth, I might as well go through it.


Oh, don't question me on this, any of you. Kthxbai.

Currently tuning into: Yellowcard - Only One

So. Just now Saleh & Nad came to my hse to lepak2. Haha. N'way, I asked Saleh's opinion, on what I was going through. & fortunately for me, he understood every single feeling I was going through. Eventhough I couldn't explain how I felt in words, he answered it all for me. I poured out everything I felt to them, eventually feeling so much better. & suddenly in the middle of the conversation we came to the topic of the definition of "couple". You see, both of them haven't officially declared themselves a couple, though I'd have to say, they make a cute one too. Haha. N'way, Saleh asked why it was so important to everyone about this couple2 thing. So, we all started cracking our heads on the topic. What exactly is the definition of couple? I mean, as long as you love one another, is it really tht important? But n'way, who am I to say anything really.

Oh, after that mum gave us a lecture on further studies & stuff. She still pressed on the fact tht if Amin doesn't settle his studies soon, I might as well say goodbye to him. Gah. Sob Sob. Someone help me. I'm still too upset really, even without this matter.

Urgh. I keep on saying that I understand & I know & I don't want to give a fuck la kononnye but I don't even know what I'm supposingly so understanding about. AAH! Lantak arr. Sumpah gle babi mlas nak fkir lg doe. Dah pnat dah otak aku. Sumpah doe, aku xnak fkir lg laaa. Tolong la aku wey. I b'than brp ari cam ni lg, xmeletup lak aku kan.

Pe la masalah aku skrg, aku pun xtau. Aku sakit hati psl pe pun aku xtau. Yg penting, rase agk cam kimak arr. Xsanggup doe rase camni. Cam fuck up gle. X terase cam nak mati lak aku kan.

Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Ashley

Your Relationship is Still Building Strength

You're relationship is fairly strong, but you're still working on making things solid. Make sure you're both treating each other with kindness and respect, even when things aren't going well. Your relationship isn't in danger, but it could be if a crisis hits. You need more strength to get through the bad times. Remember what attracted you to each other, and try to bring some of that fire back. It's not too late!

Dreamt about Yon last night. It's been awhile since I last thought of him. Then I thought back of what happened between me & him, & only did I realise that my situation now was more or less like last time, though now I'm in a different position, & my situation now is far, far better & less serious than tht time.

Now I honestly know how his gf felt when she personally confronted me last time & asked me if I really loved Yon or not. It must have been a blow to her head to hear some girl confessing tht she loved her own boyf. It sure was a blow to my head too knowing someone I 'loved' was still with his so-called ex-gf. Though I swear till this very day I nvr knew then tht he still had a gf, which still makes him proven guilty wtf. & I'm in a bitch fit b'cuz syg made some stupid new acc with only one girl, & has tht very girl's pic as his laptop wallpaper. For the fact tht she doesn't even know I exist & probably doesn't give a damn about anything related to me whatsoever. & coincidently she's in my friends list. Okay, I'm so babbling. Pfft. N'way, forget the old times.

So, I'm moving on with what happened. Forget it. It's just some stupid test from God I suppose. To help me control my own emotions & not let them overthrow me. These few days I was emotionally battling myself, not over some stupid things the boyf did. Okay, so I forgot how exactly I wanted to post this HAHAHAHA. Sheesh. Nx time I should type out what's in my head before doing someting else. Kan dah lupe. Pfft. OK, I'm babbling again.

Idk how to put everything in words, but something about last night's dream of Yon was comforting, it feels like this huge burden is lifted off me. Eventhough the dream was really random.

Anyway, since the more i post the more I confuse myself & my readers WTF..I'll just post pics of this KLCC & UTAR outing.




Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman, better known as UTAR, in Setapak, KL.
I already look like a university student haha.
For once I actually miss studying.
:|

Filling the forms was quite a bore really. Had to shade in the details, like those SPM objective papers. Haha. Nad & Amin got so bored eventually they started fooling around. Lol.











At night, as Anas & Nad were making fun of the matter, Amin yet had the same problem of having no transport going home. Haha. Fortunately for us, we have our own solutions. Hahaha. ;)


Yesterday went out again, this time with Amin, Anas, & his ex, Farah. Same name wey! Haha. N'way, went to Sunway to watch Wolferine. Saw Isma there, one of my long time myspace friends whom I had nvr met. First time jumpe wey! Haha. N'way, he recognized me from a distance while I was buying tickets with Amin & waved, so I waved back.

Currently tuning into: The Offspring - Kristy Are You Doing Okay


29th April 2009.

Syg came today, wanted to bring me to another softball match, this time though, he was playing instead of coaching. But due to shortage of players the game was cancelled. Pfft. N'way, at night went back to his house, to hang out with his family, as usual.

So, after a few events which I shall not post here & a whole day of me bottling up my emotions, I started shouting at him otw home. Don't even ask, up until now I'm still fucking pissed at what he did, despite the explanations & stuff, & despite how normal I seem now. Some friends are like "Gosh you should so dump him, how could you trust him again," & Nad's like "Die mmg syg ko laa..blablayadayada.." & yet no one fucking knows how I feel, even right now, after everything's supposingly over & done with.

Physically I'm fine, but I'm emotionally drained, full stop. I'm tired of thinking so much, I'm so darn sick of seeing those images in my head; I just feeling like dropping dead & perhaps nvr wake up again.

Basically, it was not tht bad a crime, which is why I gave it a second chance. Although, it made me trust him less, & I mean wayyy less compared to before, & perhaps nothing currently would gain back the trust I had. & these feelings won't be changing for a long while. It's not easy loving a person, yet feel afraid that he'll just toy around with your feelings, & end up hurting you. It's not easy wanting him to be with you every single second, yet want to push him away b'cuz of what he did. Now I spent my time gazing into space & ask why, why do all this to me, & attempt to cover up certain things, & act like everything's okay. At this point I'm at, nothing anyone, even him say or do can comfort me. I feel stupid, weak. Perhaps if it happens again after this all I could say to myself is 'serve you right'.


Okay, so basically noone would understand what I'm posting about; but anyway, I'm just letting out a little of the pain I'm feeling, since I don't even know myself why I feel so fucked up really. T_T



30th April 2009.

Went out again with syg, with an addition of Nad. Wanted to go to UTAR, to settle my application stuff, then to KLCC, to meet some of syg's ex-classmates. Otw I broke down & started crying, I finally pushed the limit of keeping everything inside me.

Haven't been to KLCC in yrs, I barely rmbr actually when was the last time I went there. N'way, took a walk at the park. Parking; fucking 8 ringgit fer less than 3hrs. Pfft.


A lot of pics really, but I'm not up to blogging much actually right now. Mayb tmrw.
<33

.Farah Alia.
Growing up, lost in her ups & downs, desperately trying to find the real meaning of life. With only 18 yrs of experience in life, its a journey. With memories that can nvr be forgotten.

Family. <33
The best family ever. To mummy & papa; Bringing me into this world, raising me up & protecting me, you're the only ones that I know who would never abandon me. You taught me the importance of loving a family, to take care of others, to value life & live as a good person. Even if once I didn't understand why & thought tht you were a nuisance to me, as I grow older I started to know why, & try my best to appreciate it. Of course, growing up, as Mummy puts it, I nvr know how high the sky is or how deep the ground is, in other words, I don't know my limits, but one thing's fer sure, I'll nvr forget how important family really is. Words of wisdom, I live to the fullest each day. I love you all.








Friends. <33
All sorts. Close, best, good, or just friends. All around, to laugh with, to share with, to be together with. Besties like Nad, supportive when they can be, there to cheer you up when you're down, we need people like that in our lives. I'm grateful to have friends like y'all, to share the fun I experience with. To just talk, or chill, or hangout. A part of your life that is always a must fer everyone. I love y'all. (:

Afeeqah
Ariel
Arif
Art
Beatrice
Bell
Bhairavi
Bie
Chad
Farina
Fiki
Gordon
Grace
Hafiz
Heera
JessicaLoi
Jian
MeiXin
Mell Joy Hilman
Mya
Nadirah
Natasha
Neyra
Nurul
Liyana
Liyana Sharia
Pauline
Putera
Ramadhan
Shefy
SuetLee
Syamim
Syaz
Syukri
WanYing
Wunny
Yana