Frh Alia Much? ;D

2009-09-19T04:17:00.003+08:00

Suda pindah!

frh-alia.blogspot.com
(:

<33, frh alia.

2009-09-11T21:17:00.006+08:00

Name one person you wish you could fix things with, and why haven’t you?
name? he knows who he is.
not until u learn how to change, then i wouldn't want you back, no matter how much i love you. & i'm sure that by the time you actually change you wouldn't love me anymore.

Looking for!

The next guy who can steal my heart.

Wait. Never actually said this aloud have I? Here, lemme say it:

Status: Single, & definitely available. ;)

2009-09-11T01:16:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Kylie Minogue - On A Night Like This

Now I'm getting closer to you,
Hold me, I just can't be without you,
You kiss me, I'm falling,
It's your name I'm calling,
You touch me, I want you,
Feels like I've always known you.

So. I'm actually regretting not concentrating in the first few weeks of lectures. I'm in need of certain notes. Pfft. N'way, here's some random stuff.

-Business Maths paper on Saturday. 6 fucking chapters to revise in 1 night. X mampos lak aku.

-Oh, there was this guy that added me in Myspace. & guess where he first saw me? In KUIS Bangi. Haha wtf. When I went to KUIS to fetch Amin the other day his car was parked a few spots away from mine. & he finds me in myspace. Not bad. Haha.

- Currently cramping Public Speaking notes into my head while replying the dozens of cmnts in Myspace & ym-ing with Anas. Hah, check tht wey.

- Anas called me bongok just now. I said, "A'ah, mmg aku bongok, nak wat camne kan," & he thought I touching. But I really meant what I said. Bongok & proud. HOHO.

- Oh, td ade org topupkan I. Sape eh? Whoever yg topupkan rm5 td, thx a lot. However, sry la klu u ade msg tp I xblas, wat2 xde credit kot HAHA. So many guys msg me, I get very the mlas to lyn so I tell them I xde credit. Now I can't use tht excuse b'cuz Idk who reloaded my phone. Pfft.

- Nowadays I get very mellow & start listening to jiwang songs. Bodo ah, jd emo lak aku.

- Tgh sanggap kot. HAHA. I haven't been kissed in like god knows how long, & I'm sure missing being hugged & kissed. However, no one's gonna get their stupid hands on me no matter what, unless I allow them to, which is highly unlikely.

- To Nad: weh, Haikal ajk aku secare personal kot psl yg gi bukak pose kat Alamanda tuuu. Hahaha. Aku dtg la kot. Die suruh aku dtg, die nak blanje aku. Weeeee. :P

- I currently want my Sampoerna. & another shisha session. Full stop.

- Mummy told me to bring Amin back home fer bkk pose one of this days. Oh, & she told me to ajk him stay at our hse if he wants to, like last time. Since papa's gonna be going back to KB. Hahaha. Even mummy's getting sneaky. Idk why, but in a way it looks as if she's trying to get us back together. The other day she asked my why I didn't bother to call him. As usual, I told mummy, "I want him to come to me himself, I don't want to feel as if I terhegeh2 at him." She kept quiet.

- Today something was seriously wrong with me. I was so full of hatred, which is saying something cuz the word 'hate' never usually applies to me. Kept on feeling like crying. But I'm fine now, I suppose. So don't worry Hafiz. (:

- Something's wrong with my phone. I can't take photos! Waaaaaa punye la sakit ati aku. Tht's one of the reasons I'm in a bad mood I suppose. Frh the camwhore without a cam. Doesn't jive, obviously.

- Before I forget. Fer you peeps who want advise on love & relationships go to Arif's blog. He's one of my myspace friends, of to be more exact one of Amin's friends I think. Or his roommate's friend, ntah. He changed his blog into a place where you can get tips on love & stuff. Interesting really, go visit. ;)

- Talking of myspace. More girls are adding me, after seeing their boyfs cmnting me. Haha. Thinking back, I don't care really, as long as y'all don't get messy with me. I understand really, you tend to want to know who your boyf talks to, just in case he doesn't 'curang'. Did tht countless times last time, with Amin. HOHO. Well fyi, don't worry ladies, your boys are safe, b'cuz I'm definitely not interested, no matter how hot or cute he is. Cuz like you girls, my heart is taken. Only don't bitch with me, I'll fucking make sure you choke on your own saliva.

- So this is getting too random. Basically there's nothing to post but I felt like blogging, so yea. Maybe I should stop now.

Wish me luck fer my finals bbys. & gud luck to Utarians, especially TA7, in case I won't see you guys. Gonna miss you guys wey! ):

2009-09-09T14:01:00.004+08:00

The following blogpost's fer Hafiz only. Yg lain xyah ngade2 bace, t'masuk BELL.
HOHO. xP

Pasal smlm. Pasal this morning. Basically everything. Sorry, sorry, & sorry again. Sumpah I sorry sgt2. I knew everything I said would have affected you, but that phrase, sumpah I xsangke u tetibe ley jd camtu psl ayt I.

N'way, to set things straight. Smlm, bukan u yg wat I nangis pun. Br2 ni, I've been like a living time bomb, about to explode at any moment. Maybe last night was one of those moments. Couldn't hold myself back any longer. Btw, thx sbb still lyn I. I sll reluctant nak cite kat u semue ni, psl I ley imagine kot u rase camne. Tp, heh, I ade sape lg skrg ni. It's been months, sgale bende, sgale perasaan I pendam sendiri, xbgtau sesape. Even blogging, hah, that's only a small part of how I really feel. Nad, even die x d'update pun, I don't tell her anything anymore. Then tetibe u dtg, & I fall apart, everything I bgtau u, everything I lpskan kat u, when you should be the last person to listen.

Berbaloi. Ape yg u ckp smlm tu, I t'fkir, klu u rase camtu, agknye b'baloi ke I tunggu kat sini lg, pdhal ape yg I menunggu tu dah lame pergi? Hope? Long gone, it doesn't exist. He won't change his ways & turn back to me. Hrpn pe je yg ade. In my dreams I suppose. Byk bende I sendiri xley explain, its not this & its not that. So camne I nak lpaskan semue kat u kan. I don't even know what I should say, I can't find the words to explain everything. All I can do is cry out loud & keep everything within me. Nak luahkan kat die? Haha. Nak ckp kat u pun susah, jgn nak meluahkan kat die la kan. He won't understand.

Then pg td. Didn't realise that what I said was basically the answer you needed from me. But it's true, I suppose, sad as it is. Now that you mentioned it. I am like a hot glass that can't be touched. I'm nice to see, pleasant to have, but come too close & you'll scale yourself. Same goes to the phrase that I'm like a block of ice that will never melt. Ati I dah tertutup dah pun skrg. No one can steal my heart anymore. I'm scared, I can't find anyone else that I can love anymore, I've lost the person I love the most, & I won't let my heart go through the pain again. So yea. Mayb utk u agk menyakitkan ati la I ckp camni, tp utk I, its all I can do to protect myself. & I have to love myself too only can I love others, right?

Idk what I'm crapping about really. But yea, hopefully u somehow fham la kan. Ntah. I've been pretty lovesick recently, but no one seems to have caught my attention. I've just, completely changed, I'm no longer that girl who could fall fer sweet talk or good looks. Despite changing so much, I still try to find wtvr I need to supposingly change. I feel lonely, I admit. Each day I go through feels empty, even if your around, even if others are around. But I try. I try, you know I do.

Meanwhile, I just went through my 20000+ cmnts in myspace just to look fer the few cmnts from Casper. Pfft. I'm officially going insane. Doomsday's in 2012 huh? Can't wait tht long. I just wanna die right now, my head's too heavy from all this thinking. I feel like doing self-injury, but I just don't have the guts at the moment. I'm trying to get through, but it's hard. I feel like giving up already.

2009-09-08T22:39:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: D'Masiv - Cinta Ini Membunuhku

Kau hancurkan aku dengan sikap mu,
tak sadarkah kau telah menyakiti ku.
Lelah hati ini meyakinkan mu,
cinta ini, membunuhku.

So. Girls are adding me in myspace just b'cuz their boyfs are going gaga over me. Hah, girls, go control your boyfs, don't come adding me just so you can read my fucking cmnts or something. I try staying away from idiots who already have girlfs, but if you can't help your hubbys then obviously I can't too. Haha. Bodo ah. Tu la, cpl la lg, dpt pe akhirnye? Sakit ati, pning kpale, segale bende ade. Tiap2 ari tido xlene. Tiap2 saat ade je nak kene fkir, nak kene risaukan. For people like me anyways. Do good & all you get back is pain. Who ever said it would do you good to be good?

N'way, if you readers even realised, ever since I became single again I started posting lyrics before I start each post. Wondered why? Fer one, it's the lyrics of the song that I'm currently tuning to, & the lyrics also happen to relate to my feelings & emotions. So yea, who ever said they were just lyrics? Read through them again, klu rajin, & relate it to anything that happened in my life. N'way, since there's not much to post, here's my current fave.

It's about a girl who found out her boyf had another girl behind her back. Then she lets out her frustration on him, who doesn't understand anything, until he sees photos of him with another girl. Then he gets frustrated with himself & starts breaking glass. LOL. In the end the girl commited suicide by drowning herself.

The vid reminds me a lot of what I went through before. In the vid, where the girl crys her heart out; I was there, in her shoes, several times. Of course, I would nvr forget that night where I found out my worst fear had happened. Mummy saw me crying & screaming & tried to set things straight, I'm sure she won't forget. I've nvr cried in front of her, so jgn ckp nangis camtu la kan. Didn't commit suicide, obviously. Crying & not eating fer a couple of days & a few cuts on my wrist, I obviously won't die.

Flashbacks. Who would forget their painful moments really.

These two videos, made me cry. Agnes Monica has the best voice evurrr.

Meanwhile, just got off the phone with Hafiz. Started crying yet again. This is the second time in this short period of time. Pfft. Still waiting. Fer what, heck knows. Bodo gak kan aku ni. Bgos la. I keep on wondering when all of this will finally end. Or start back, in a good way. Lord help me. My soul feels tortured.

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hati ku,
yang pernah dibuka waktu hanya untuk mu.
Kini kau pergi dari hidup ku,
ku harus relakan mu,
walau aku tak mau.

Dengarlah matahari ku, suara tangisan ku,
ku bersedih,
kar’na panah cinta menusuk jantung ku.
Ucapkan matahari ku,
puisi tentang hidup ku, tentang ku,
yang tak mampu, menaklukkan waktu.

2009-09-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Boys Like Girls - Thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer,
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said,
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors,
I dont wanna ever love another,
You'll always be my thunder,
So bring on the rain,
And bring on the thunder.

So. Today I'm officially 2 months single. Well, in a way. Proud? Hah, you think? It's nothing but a status, & there's not much difference that I can feel really. So within the past 2 months I've done quite a lot really, leading myself back into the single world, where it is kinda scary I'd have to admit.

You meet all sorts of guys nowadays, it's kinda scary. From nice guys who just wanna chat to guys who just want sex. From guys who know how to look after their girlfs to guys who treat their girlfs like standbys.

But despite all that, I'm happy. I'm learning how to grow up. Each day, I go through with my own strength that I can muster. I grow stronger each day, facing each moment just like it was any other. I'm trying to step out of that helpless, immature girl you once knew, trying to be more positive, to make lemonade out of lemons. Life has its many surprises, so I'll just wait fer the next one to come.

It's hard, but I'm doing so much fine now. Having you, was the best thing that ever happened to me, really. No one understands, why I spend each waking moment talking about you, knowing that you're no longer around. Why I still wait around, when honestly speaking, there are so many others out there that are better than you. But only I know, b'cuz my heart, lost as it is, it's still with you. & I don't want it back. Rawrrrr. Idk what the hell I'm crapping about, but n'ways.

Heyyy, I miss youuuuu. & p/s,

I still love you Casper my bongok. Hoho.

& I don't care at all what everyone else wants to say, b'cuz they don't know how much I love you, & how long I'd dare to wait, be it months or even years. They may see Farah Alia as someone who's currently incredibly love drunk, but I know better. I'm not wasting my time, I know that fer sure. There must be a reason why I always end up back to you.

As quoted from Paris Hilton in the movie Hottie & The Nottie;

You'll never see the bad sides in the person you truly love the most.

*edited*

Oh. Happy b'day in advance to Faliq, Amin, & Bhairavi! Amin's b'day's on the 8th, & the other 2 on the 9th. 090909, dam nice weh! Haha.

Bhai, no celebrations? Come back to Subang will ya, miss ya loads!

Amin & Faliq, rindu kat korg ouh. Frh xblik KB raye ni. ):
Xpe2, jumpe mase Raye Haji abg2 t'syg kuh! Haha. <33

2009-09-05T00:01:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Papa Roach - Scars

I can't help you fix yourself,
But at least I can say I tried,
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut,
My weakness is that I care too much,
And our scars remind us that the past is real,
I tear my heart open just to feel.

Hafiz came to KL yesterday. As I've nvr mentioned, he's originally from Kuantan, but studying in UiTM Terengganu. Oh, he came all the way here just to hangout with me. Awwww terperasan sekjp HAHAHA. (:

Told him to come my house lpak. Came with his friend, Amir at around 6. Mummy thought this was some new boyf of mine but I said no. Hoho. Lpaked & watched tv till buka puase, then decided to go out fer dinner, since there wasn't much to eat at home. Went to get Bell & Nad, then headed to Carlos.

Oh ohhh. Finally broke my shisha virginity. Weeeee. Haha. & I broke my resolution fer puasa month, & smoked again, curtesy of Bell's Sampoerna. Wtf. Bottom line? Had a whole lot of fun. Thx Hafiz & Amir. Especially to Hafiz. Nasib baik dpt lpak kan? Ntah ble dpt jumpe you lg lps nih. (;

Random pics from today & yesterday.

Yesterday. Yes, I'm fat, I don't care any longer, so stfu.

Ramanan. I like to randomly hug ppl, so what?

Random.

Hafiz. (:

Shishaaaa. Apple & strawberry. ;D

Bell & Amir.

Nad tooo. ;)
Hafiz menyibuk haha.

I need to get started with studying, seriously.

2009-09-02T10:27:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Paula Deanda - Walk Away

I can't forget how we used to be,
Our life from day to day,
Hoping maybe you'll come back,
And though I tell myself not to be afraid,
To move on but it seems I can't,
Though a new man has given me attention,
It ain't the same as your affection,
Though I know I should be content,
In the back of my mind,
I can't help but question.

I can't explain this feeling,
I think about it everyday,
And even though we've moved on,
It gets so hard to walk away.

So. Last night was on the phone with Hafiz, & started talking yet again about Amin. How I was worried about him having his finals these few weeks, our constant fighting everytime we contact each other, how I still love him. About everything basically. & before I could stop myself I started crying.

Its been more than a month since I've cried my heart out like that really. Wanted to really scream & let it all out, but refrained myself; I was, after all, still on the phone with Hafiz. & to cry out to him like that, it just wasn't me. I don't cry out to anyone just like that. Guess I held everything in fer too long. I haven't let out my feelings & emotions to anyone in quite a while. Kept everything inside, not sharing anything with anyone, until I met Hafiz that is. Even wtvr I blog, is not even a quarter of it. He told me to let everything out, but despite feeling like I have so much to say I couldn't really say anything.

I've been worried about everything really, nowadays. Amin's finals, my finals, just anything that needs worrying about, everything's in my head. It's stressing me out really, but I can't help myself.

Oh. Study break's nx week. & my finals start on next Friday itself. Public Speaking. Getting quite nervous & tensed up atm, there's just so much to read up & memorize. 6 subs within one week? Not to forget the fact tht there's 13 topics per sub, excluding Maths, which only has 6. But hey, it's freaking Business Maths. 6 topics is like friggin 60. Pfft. & my accs. Gahness. I only managed to get 25% out of 40% fer my Accs coursework(assignments & mid-term), & that's no laughing matter. I'm gonna have to really struggle to the max to even pass, so don't even talk about getting an A. Nak dpt pointer 3.0-3.5? Dlm mimpi la kot. Sheesh.

This loneliness? Nvr felt anything like it.

2009-08-31T21:20:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Paramore - Decode

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind,
I can't win your losing fight,
All the time.

How did we get here,
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Jealous because I love you, angry because I care about you, dreaming because I'm missing you, sad because I don't ever want to lose you..

Had a sleepover at Wan Ying's house yesterday; was her 18th b'day. Sophia, Prudence, Mei Xin, Jessica, & Kirsten were there too. Papa fetched me to her house in Ara Damansara. When I arrived I was greeted by Mei & Wan Ying, then I went upstairs to see the rest doing the Cha Cha dance. Haha wtf.

& that's only the beginning. Haha. ;P

So, her house was fabulous. Every single corner was lovely, the way it was built, the colour of the walls, the furniture. Then as usual, you know what happens when u add Farah with mirrors, & besties:

Haha. Started camwhoring, & as usual Mei & Wan Ying joined in.

After a failed attempt to join in Sophia & Jess in doing the Cha Cha (haha wtf weh) we all took pics with Mei's laptop & chatted with Chris via webcam & mic in MSN, while doing very the lame things like editing our faces. Lol.

& Chris said: Like that also wanna take pic ar? *laughs*

& the insane-ness of seven girls begins. Hahah.

Ordered pizza fer dinner. Your typical bachelor night? I suppose so.

Sophia! We share the same birthday. (:

While waiting fer the pizza boy. >.<

More camwhoring with Mei. Haha.

This is what happens when model wannabes get together. HAHA.
Kirsten & Jess.

Before our pizza arrived, all of us had a sip of Black Label+Coke to celebrate Wan Ying's b'day. Yes, I drank, & fyi you ppl are in no fucking order to judge me. Oh, haven't drank in a longggg time. The last time was what, Form 4? I think.

Before drink already somehow drunk. Haha wtf. Especially Jess & I. The last part damn obscene lor, fer the fact that Jess was pointing at my cleavage. Rawrrr. Me pretending to be a Chinese? Nothing offensive. Not saying I'm not proud to be Malay; its the fact that it's already become an inside joke tht everyone takes me as a Chinese, Malay name or not.

Mei's best friend wtf.

Watching Mei the pro prepare drinks. HOHO.
& then...yum seng! ;D

Pizza moments. Lol.
Jess actually dipped her breadstick into Black Label. Ewww. Haha.

So, fer some reason the alcohol had more effect on Jess & I, compared to the rest. Mei, happened to be the silent drunk, who sat there silently with a tomato-coloured face HAHA. Jess & I were so drunk she started going insane while I was laughing like mad. Hahaha. Started our own clubbing session, by watching music videos. Meanwhile, I kept on sending texts to the wrong ppl. We all had fun laughing, including me, giggling non-stop. Sheesh. & I actually came to this point where I started dancing like mad on the stairs. & the worst of everything, the house had CCTV. T___T"

That was only part of the drunken moments. Heh.

I somehow recorded this. Heh. The one talking crap? Jess HAHA. The one giggling non-stop? Me of course. With Wan Ying at the background. Lmao. Oh, & I wanted to say tht Jess was drunk, but I ended saying gay. LOL. So, there you have it, Farah drunk. =.=

After that was WY's parents came home. Cover gle2 kot, they weren't supposed to know we drank. HOHO. Oh, & the cake? Oreo cheesecake from Secret Recipe! Yummm.

There was this cute guy on tv & Mei & I attempted to take pic with him. >.<

Kirst taught me how to play the guitar. Weee.

Sjuk la. I was wearing what, shorts & a singlet? Lol. N'way, spin the bottle. (:

& tht's all of us.

Everyone went to sleep around four sumthing watching Bride Wars, while I was on the phone with Hafiz & eventually dozed off. Hoho. Didn't sleep well though, teddy bear aku xde! Waaaaa. Next day got ready to go to Sunway. Had to drop by my hse first though, to get my car. The car was fullllll, 7 org lak wey!

After bathing I did my makeup, & suddenly the others wanted to put on makeup too. Lolololol.

Sunway was damn packed! Merdeka I supposed. Went to Diva, some shop tht Mei worked at, then went 'shopping', where we bought nothing. Haha wtf. Actually, Soph, Pru, Jess, Kirst & I went to random stores, took wtvr we liked off the racks, went to the fitting rooms, & tried them on. Not with the intention to buy of course, but with the intention to camwhore. HAHA.

Wan Ying, Frh, Jess, Prudence, Kirst.

Diva.

Ehh. Topshop I think.

Forever 21. Seriously, loved the duo coloured dress, but fucking RM100++. Rawrr.

Mim! Haha. Syamim dropped by during her break; she currently works at a boutique in Sunway & is gonna continue her studies in Shah Putra Ktn this December.

Ohhhh Jess HAHAHA.

Going back. ):

Tht's all folks. Oh, & Wy, thanks fer yr awesome b'day sleepover bitch.
;D

2009-08-29T23:35:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Steps - After The Love Has Gone

When love is gone it's only wrong to try again,
I know it's a shame,
That we may not have tomorrow,
But there's always yesterday.

After the love has gone,
Only fools carry on,
We've been hurting for so long,
And we both know that it's wrong,
After the love has gone,
Then we just don't belong,
We both know that it's wrong,
After the love has gone.

& after today, I'm sure that his love for me is no longer there. & that he has someone new. I feel it, & fer once, I know it's true. His actions, & the way we are together, everything just, seemed to have slipped away. He loves someone else. Too late I suppose, there's nothing left to do.

Since he's moved on, maybe it's time for me to back off. I don't want to be known as some bitch who trying to steal someone else's boyf. & I'm not saying it in a sarcastic way; but in a genuine way. He asked me why it was so hard to just act like we're friends. No, it's not b'cuz I'm immature like you think, but it's the fact that after all we went through, it's not that easy to come along as 'just friends'. However, I pray every single day for his happiness, so I guess here it is. I'll be fine, I know I will, somehow. Watching him sleeping on the sofa, it's amazing how much, how long I've loved him. Dreaming about him every night, thinking back on everything we've been through since the 20th of October 2008, those are the main reasons I smile at random times.

p.s, I do bitch alot here in my blog, when I can't even tell u face to face. You should have understood that part way earlier; for the fact that I get so darn emotional that I don't even know what I should say to you. So don't blame me, but try to understand me. B'cuz I'm sure you know me well.

Meanwhile, I'll never forget the look on Umi's face when she saw Amin & I. Her joy in seeing us was more than enough to penetrate the hardest surfaces. I really enjoyed breaking fast at Amin's house today. It was like having my own elder brothers & sister, which is saying something since I'm the eldest in my family. I love them all; they've been like my second family since I met them. Although, can't be too comfortable though, since I don't belong there.

Oh, & to Hafiz. I guess you're right about that rotten apple msg. Haha. Let's put it this way, I'm a good apple that's slightly rotten, just like everyone. I mean, it's true kan? No one's all good or all bad. Oh ohh, & I dah bace blog you kat myspace tu. Awwwww-ness. How sweet of you. Haha. I appreciate semue yg u tulis kat situ, seriously. & here's what I have to say to you.

I owe you almost everything Hafiz. Sblum ni, I mmg rase lonely gle2 sjak break ngan bf I, walaupun byk lg yg try nak ngorat I(haha wtf). But since dpt knl you, gayut phone tiap2 mlm, msg 24/7, sumpah I ckp, the loneliness I have has definitely lessened. I wouldn't say fully, but yea, if you get what I mean. I still do feel lonely at times, but that's not b'cuz of you. Then msg yg u hntr dlu kat ms. Sumpah terharu gle wey! Haha. No one's actually said stuff like that to me before, so its kinda sweet.

However, I do hope you understand my situation now. I'm definitely in no state to find someone new right now, & anywhere in the near future. Not when my heart was taken away by someone else. Fham2 je la kan, my first love. I may love him only, but no one owns me right now. Please don't get moody or depressed b'cuz of this, I xske tgk you camtu. Kkdg I frust gak tgk you jd moody & sakit ati psl I, cuz I xnak wat you camtu. I like the happy-go-lucky you, really. Don't worry, b'cuz no matter who I love, I'll nvr leave you, not when you are currently the closest friend I have. (:

Oh Bell. Terpakse la aku curang ngan ko kan. Since aku dah ade Hafiz sbgai kwn baik aku HAHAHA. Jgn jeles baby. ;P

P.s, less blogging fer a while after this. I need to sort myself out. He's right somehow, maybe I do need to change too. & I no longer want to be the Farah everyone knows.

2009-08-27T21:12:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - You Belong With You

I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night,
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry,
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams,
I think I know where you belong.
I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me.
Standing by or waiting at your back door,
All this time how could you not know that,
You belong with me, you belong with me.

So. This morning I arrived at uni & headed fer the internet lab, to spent the free half hour I had. Skali saw Ramanan & Thiben & they were like "Farah, you register classes fer 2nd sem already?" I was like fuckkk, lupe kot. So, naik menggelabah, then went to the lab to get myself registered. Was trying my dead best to cram everything up in 4 days, but failed. Ley sesat satu kelas ari Jumaat, ptg lak tu. Cam bodo je. & I only registered like what, one hour late? Fuck la. Not only do I have to go every friggin day, my days are like damn pack, morning to evening. Idfc wey, I'm gonna get tht stupid lecturer to slot me in to another day's lecture, no matter how. Sbar je la aku, 3 blan je kan. T__T

N'way, was in Kuantan fer the past few days. Mummy wanted to go back, & dragged me along, since it was ages since I last went there. The best thing was, she kept on extending our stay, until this morning, br blk. Haha. Didn't do much really. As always, spent most of my time sleeping. HOHO. Became like a kid with my cuzzies & ended up colouring, playing PSP & stuff. Haha. Cam bangang je.

Watched Up yesterday. Damn niceee wey! The kid was sooooo cute, & I love Kevin the bird. Must watch! Didn't get to watch it in 3D though, since it wasn't released in Kuantan yet. Pfft. But hey, RM6 ONLY for the ticket. Compared that to KL wey. Even RM2 counts ok! (Farah kan kiasu HAHA wtf.) Not gonna talk much about the movie here, don't wanna be a spoiler, since many xtgk lg kan. Mlas wanna update much, so I'm just gonna post some pics & be done with it.

Tom & Jerry. Coloured by meee HAHA.

My buchuk teddy. Wajib to bring around with me. (:

Doraemon HAHAHA. Ini namenye kesengalan.

Meanwhile, haven't blogged in a while, I realise tht. Life? So far so good. Now that I've finally learnt to not give a fuck & live life the way it is, it ain't that saddening any longer. Though at times, you can help but feel sober & mellow really.

Random conversation:

Saleh (Ms): sje je i nk u?
x bole ke?
huk3...

frh, bby: xley.
cuz I ni hak milik Abdul Muhaimin Osman bin Osman aka Amin aka Casper sahaje.
;)

2009-08-20T22:36:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Vanessa Hudgens - Say Ok

I don't wanna be into you,
If you are not looking for true love,
No I don't wanna start seeing you,
If I can't be your only one,
So tell me.

When it's not alright,
When it's not ok,
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright?
Will you say ok? Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away?
Say Ok.

Wednesday, 19th August 2009.

To start off my Wednesday, Hafiz called me, at around 2. Then gayut until 3 sumthing. Then here comes the best part. At around 4 summat Phat called. Well, he called, I answered, but basically I didn't know it was him. I was so sleepy that I barely heard what he was saying, until I started saying things like "Rindu? Bkn td u br call ker? Gayut lame gle lak tuh," did I realise something was wrong, by the way he was reacting. Well, basically, what really happened was that Phat called me, but somehow (don't ask me how) I answered the phone, while I was still sleeping. Wtf. & was actually sleeptalking to him, thinking that he was Hafiz, & that I was still gayut-ing with him. Another WTF. Xkantoi lak aku kan. Imagine the horror I had once I re-checked my phone & saw Phat's pic there. Pfft.

So, today had my English exams, at 5.15 pm. Classes finished at 1, so instead of hanging around Jian, Prajiv, & I went to Sunway, in my car. Went to eat Mcd, & jln2. Jo-lyn joined us after a while, since she had piano exams before that.

Random pic from last night. Lol.

Minutes before Jian, Prajiv & I signed our attendance & chaw. Haha.

Just randoms.

Observe my pics. See why I wanna lose weight so desperately at the moment? My depression mode took a turnover & decided to act terbalik-ly. Ever since I broke up with Amin I started turning to food for comfort. & with very limited time going to the gym, well, yea. The worst part is that I'll start eating alot, & suddenly feel guilty, yet want to eat more fer comfort. That's why I'm glad Puasa month's finally here. I currently have this very unhealthy habit of eating a lot in one day, & very little the next, & so on. Being depressed sucks, hardcore. I'd rather be depressed like how I was last time, when I found out about Sheeya. I didn't eat fer a week & did workout like mad. Pfft.

Meanwhile, again I got hit on by some foreigner. I was walking alone, while the others were at the food court studying, then this Hispanic dude did this U-turn in the mall just to come up & say hi to me. Wtf weh. N'way, he's from California, & he asked me out fer a drink. Ley je. Lg 100 tahun kot. Jgn nak menghrp la kan. I still get puzzled to why these sort of people always get attracted to me. & before that, while we were eating lunch some African or sumthing dudee spotted me & start smiling at me. Then last time, there was that case where I was on the KTM, to go KL Central to see syg, where some dude hit on me again. & yet another case where I was in Sunway watching ppl skating, where this dude suddenly came up to me & asked me if I was from Taylors. Wtf wtf wtf. Wait, there's more, but nvm. Sheesh.

N'way, went back before exams started. English exam was from 5.15-6.45, but I finished within 15 minutes, & still had the time to sleep. Wtf. By the time all my classmates came out it was almost 6.15, & everyone who drove was reluctant to go home, due to the heavy traffic. So, all of us, almost the whole class drove to some place in PJ to makan. Haha. Went back at around 8. Fetched Shing Yee, Nick & Chor Yuen back home, then went back home myself.

Got back home at around 9. Skali mummy asked me to get ready, got some kenduri at Pak Su's hse, whoever tht is. Wtf. Papa was already home. I was like wtf, cuz I got home like barely 5 minutes & had to go out again. Xpnat gle2 lak aku kan, sehari full kuar. Otw we got lost, & it was late, so papa patah balik. Mummy was furious at papa for telling her last minute to get ready. Haha. Meanwhile, I was so tired, I fell asleep in the car, wearing a bju kurung & tudung. Pfft.

Thursday, 20th August 2009.

Not much today. Skipped half of Accs lecture to go lepak with Nad & the gang at Sunway. Hoho. Oh, 1st sem's gonna be over soon. & second sem starts on the 19th of October. If I was still with Amin, I would sue UTAR man. U make me come for classes on my 1st yr anniversary?!! Xbengang lak aku kan nnt. Sheesh.

Talking of anniversaries. Today would have been my 10th month anniversary with Amin. Started tearing up while listening to Hinder's Without You in the car, otw to uni. Tgh drive sempat lg aku nak nangis kan. Pfft. Then suddenly during lunchtime he texted me & wished me happy anniversary. Xrase plik lak aku. Prajiv happened to be there while I was reading the text & he was like "Haaa, why is Farah smiling to herself hah?Who text laa?" Lolololol. Basically I was standing there in the middle of the canteen holding my phone & smiling like some psycho. Hahaha.

Think your relationship's confusing? Check out mine. I broke up with my boyf on the 7th of July, yet we still wish each other on our anniversaries, on the 20th. Which at times makes me wonder if I actually dreamt out tht part about us breaking up. Bottom line, almost all the things we do, makes us look as if we're still together. & I said Saleh & Nad were weird last time. Haa, xkene blik lak aku kan. T__T

The three dudes playing Rambo,at the game arcade.

Being at the game arcade made me smile. I was there on my first date with Amin, together with Nad & Mawi. They were playing House Of The Dead & Time Crisis, & there was no place fer me to sit, so Amin asked me to lean against him. Couldn't help smiling really, I had so much fun then. But it was killing me inside to see Saleh & Nad getting all lovey dovey in front of me, not to forget the billion of other couples all around me. Pfft.

Tht's life I suppose.

& of all the boys your voice is still the one I love to hear everytime I wake up.

2009-08-18T23:37:00.001+08:00

Currently tuning into: Natasha Beddingfield - Pocketful Of Sunshine

I got a pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine,
I got a love an' I know that it's all mine,
Oh, oh whoa oh.
Do what you want,
But you're never gonna break me,
Sticks an' stones are never gonna shake me,
No, oh whoa, oh.

I'm starting to wonder, who's making a bigger mistake atm, me or Phat. He thinks this all will go somewhere, however, in my opinion, this won't be going anywhere at all. It's only a short matter of time before I start being my playgirl self again, seeing the situation as it is now. & once that happens, lets just say hell breaks loose. Yea it's that bad okay. Don't know what I'm crapping about? Nvm, y'all don't need to know. ;)

Oh ohhh. Blan puasa hopes/resolutions:

1. Stop smoking. (Only fer the month though. Lps tu sambung blik. HOHO.)

2. Solat terawih, full. (Of course, excluding period week)

3. Take the opportunity to lose as much weight as possible. (Compulsory kot HAHA)

4. Make a cake for Umi(Amin's mum) before Raye, that has less sugar, since she doesn't really eat sweet anyway. Just a sign of gratitude fer the past 9 months or so, since their family became like mine too. (Oh, that is, klu dpt beli gula la kan. Bodo nye shortage. Pfft.)

5. Talking about terawih, I wanna start praying. You know, the daily 5 times one? Yeaa. Should get started, yet again. (Btol la kan, solat wajib pun xcomplete, dan2 je nak wat solat sunat. Thun lps pun, tunggu blan puase br b'taubat kjp HAHA. T_T)

6. Eat as less dinner as possible, despite fasting fer the whole day. (Less carbs!!!)

7. Workout like crazy before bukak puasa. (That includes skipping, lifting weights, running up & down the stairs, & wtvr crap I can do to sweat it all out.)

8. New boyf? I think not. New boyfS is the right word. (Well, since one doesn't seem to be enough to many other ppl kan, I might as well try it out too. Ngeh3.)

9. Keep on praying that miracles will happen in my
life. (Don't we all know by now what I'm talking about.Yeaaa, changes. I'm still hoping. Stupidly. Idk why I even bother wasting my time any longer.)

10. Last one? Study hard of course. Finals wey! I'm aiming to get at least 3.0-3.5, full stop. I want to achieve more than average fer this foundation year, so that I can somehow get a scholarship fer my degree in International Business. (yeap, it's finalised! I'm gonna do International Business!;D)

Oh. another one. Lupe lak. To get to that Malay dude in uni by the time this sem ends. I'm dead sure he's somehow Malay. This just isn't right wey! Two months of smiling at each other & I still don't know who the heck he is. Pfft. No no no must knllllll!!!!!! HAHAHAHA Farah's gone boy crazy. Wtffff. >.<
But seriously wey, I had this hugeeee crush on him ever since I first saw him in uni. 0.0

N'way, random pics. Captured yesterday.

Ini namenye giler.

I have a valid reason fer not smiling much okeh. All b'cuz I look even awful.

Pet bro. <3

Awesome lighting? Night mode has awesome effects. (:

This morning, Happiness woke me up & said, "Get up will ya, b'cuz today, is a new day, & I will make sure that there will be a smile on your face, "

2009-08-16T13:28:00.006+08:00

Currently tuning into: Britney Spears - Out From Under

I don't wanna dream about,
All the things that never were,
Maybe I can live without,
When I'm out from under,
I don't wanna feel the pain,
What good would it do me now,
I'll get it all figured out,
When I'm out from under.

And part of me still believes,
When you ay you're gonna stick around,
And part of me still believes,
We can find a way to work it out,
But I know that we tried everything we could try,
So let's just say goodbye,
Forever.

Last week John said I should watch Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past; I would like the movie alot. Well, he sure was right, I loved it! Bought the DVD fer only God knows how long & finally had the time watch it.

Basically it's about this playboy who makes the prettiest girls fall in love with him, & just as they start to fall in love with him he dumps then. He's nvr serious when it comes to girls, & all he can think about is of casual sex. Then one day he is visited by three ghosts, that bring him back to his past, his present, & his future, where he feels feelings that he had long forgotten that he had.

I cried during some parts in the movie. A lot of situations tht Jennifer Garner was in in the movie were very similar to mine. Boys, especially those who love to have many girlfs should definitely watch it, & learn something fer once, b'cuz boys will never understand.

He'll never understand the happiness a girl has, when they lie next to each other in bed, doing nothing but having him hold her in his arms all night long, laughing when he made jokes, teasing each other, trying to silence each other at the same time, in fears of getting caught. He'll nvr imagine how grateful she feels, being able to sleep with him, no longer needing to dream of him, just b'cuz he's already there.

No one could imagine, how exciting it was, knowing fer the fact that he won't be going anywhere fer the night, but he'll be right beside me, making me laugh, putting me to sleep. How he will be right there the moment I open my eyes, how I don't have to miss him at that moment, just b'cuz he's right there in front of me, sleeping like a baby.

Yet, he'll never, ever understand the pain that I feel, at the same time, knowing that no matter how happy this girl is at that moment, she can't escape the fact that, this boy she loves so much has others out there, others that share what she has too, knowing that she may not be the only person on his mind. He'll nvr understand the million emotions I have running through my head, despite laughing, despite being happy just lying in his arms. He won't even understand the simple feeling of pain of having to leave him alone when I have to go to university, so how can he even understand the pain that is so much more extreme than tht?

B'cuz killers will nvr feel the pain of the victims they kill, the rich don't feel the suffering of the poor, the ones with everything will never feel the emptiness of the ones who have nothing. He'll never feel the hurt he caused me, the hurt I still feel, the hurt that I would still feel in the years to come. No one will understand what I feel, unless they stand in my shoes, & experience what I did. The pain he thinks he feels, in hurting me, is nothing, nothing at all to what I still feel.

I don't want to be the top of all the others, I want to be the only one, just like he was in my life, right until this very second, eventhough we're no longer together. I don't want to be the girl on standby, I want to be the girl whos there 24/7, to support, to share, to love. Is it so hard to ask fer someone like that? By the looks of it, it sure is nowadays. Especially when guys like him don't solve their problems on the spot, but run away from it & pretend that the problem doesn't exist anymore.

Why is it so hard to move on? I feel so stuck, so lonely, nothing seems right, no matter how hard I try. I just want to be my normal self, I'm sick of being heartbroken over some stupid boy. It's not fair, it never is. B'cuz I'm no longer myself. I'm not longer that happy-go-lucky girl everyone thought they knew. I trust no one, not even myself. I hope your happiness now was worth it, damaging every single bit of me, now that you're gone.

Meanwhile, some guy asked me to be his scandal. & he has a girlf. Xkene sound kaw2 ngan aku lak kan. Ungrateful bastards. The girl you truly call your girl loves you, why do all that behind her? Come to think of it, not only boys are like that, most girls are like that too. People like that should just be done with, should just burn in hell.

2009-08-16T03:59:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Leann Rimes - Please Remember

Time, sometimes the time just slips away,
And your left with yesterday,
Left with the memories,
I, I'll always think of you and smile,
And be happy for the time,
I had you with me,
Though we go our seperate ways,
I won't forget so don't forget,
the memories we made.

I feel like dancing. I feel like going clubbing, & dance the whole night away. I feel like taking pills, like exctasy or sumthing, to just enjoy the moment, get high, & think of nothing. Wtf. I wanna do shisha. I wanna do all the things I don't usually do. Fer once, I wanna forget about reality & start enjoying the moment. Fer once, I wanna somehow be bad. Fer once, I wanna just get wasted.

I'm still sane really. All I want is some sizzling excitment. B'cuz, I really don't know if I'm happy or sad atm.

Oh, currently chatting & webcamming with Anas, one of Amin's best friends. We're both so bored we're saying the most randomest things wey, then masing2 kutuk mengutuk each other HOHO. Haha. He asked me why I always looked so serious, & didn't smile.

He's not the only one. Everyone says that. "Farah, asl xsenyum? Senyum la skit," If those ppl who know me fer a long time were more observant they would notice that I don't really smile much. I laugh a lot, but it comes to smiling, let's just say I'm not up to tht much. Like what I told Anas just now, the only time anyone would ever see me really smiling is when I'm usually with Amin. That's the only time I know I really genuinely smile. Apart from that, I rarely do smile, no matter if its webcam or in real life. So far, no one has actually taken note of this random fact about me.

Oh, kepada mamat bodo yg ley dok main 'mama' & 'papa' ngan aku ni, sry ah bai, aku xlyn bhs rempit ah. Aku jugak xlyn mamat yg kuat menggatal seperti hang. A total disgrace to your own species wey. Menyampah den. Aku nak cari ko klu nak b'manje? Babi la ko, klu aku nak b'manje aku tau la sape aku nak cari, watpe nak cari laki sanggap cam ko doh.

They don't know me yet. The girl you want in bed? Tough luck boys, this hardcore bitch is nowhere close to being the next person in your bed, or to be more precise, the person fer you to lay your fucking hands on.

2009-08-15T00:11:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Medic Droid - Fer Sure

Fer sure maybe, fer sure not,
Fer sure eh, fer sure bomb.
Pulled up at a stop light did drugs on the dashboard,
Look at the mess we made tonight.

Kick off your stilettos,
Kick off your stilettos,
And fuck me in the backseat,
Fuck me in the backseat. ;)

Not much to post today. Had Comp Studies debate today. Cam siot je kot. Haha. N'way, pics.

Getting ready.

For some reason, every single time I buy cigs I always get the one with the keguguran pic thingy on it. Wtf.

Before debate. Tman-ed Jo-lyn & Shu Min to practice. Sempat aku nak bercamwhore. Haha.

Debating session.

Teck Wang camwhored with my phone. haha. Damn white wey. >.<

Rubanar.

Ramanan, Archanaa, & Jo-lyn. (:

Most of the girls of TA 7.

Jo-lyn & Ching Yee. Kuan Sing & Kwan Hyen menyibuk at the back. Haha.

Oh, & I got 17/50 fer Accs. Pfft. Kan dah ckp, Acc aku suck gle kot.

You know, at times I'm grateful fer having certain friends, even if they're not close to me. A bit too late to tell me certain things, but I'm cool with it, & I'm glad that friends like that can be so concerned & caring about certain situations of mine.

Meanwhile, I'm currently teaching Anas how to 'ayat pompuan'. NGAHAHAHA wtfff. Oh, & to Phat, though I'm sure you don't read my blog, thx fer the past few weeks, you made a nice companion, especially when I was so lonely. Sry it had to end this way, but I suppose it's better to let you down now, then later, where it'll be worse. Thanks fer loving me, but I'm sure you'll find someone better. (:

This moment, I'm changing my ways. I'll no longer be that girl you can step your feet all over. This time, I shall fucking stand up fer myself whenever needed. Life's too short to think about some nutcase who broke my heart. May you be happy with the million girlfs you have, cuz I just don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired of being the good girl who does every single friggin thing fer you. I'm tired of giving out the chances that are only wasted away. I deserve so much more than lies & a broken heart. Since you can't change, I'll change, but for my own good, not yours. Change in what way? That's fer all of you to find out. This bitch is back in action yawww, & probably even better.

Q: how would you feel if u found out the person you love the most kissed/hugged/held hands/had sex/etc with someone else?
A: only God would know how much pain & sadness would be felt.

Found this in Youtube, a home-made vid fer the song Fer Sure. Bodo gle! Haha.

2009-08-13T23:20:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into:Britney Spears - Born To Make You Happy

I'm sitting here alone up in my room,
And thinking about the times that we've been through,
I'm looking at a picture in my ~~hand~~ phone,
Trying my best to understand,
I really want to know what we did wrong,
With a love that felt so strong,
If only you were here tonight,
I know that we could make it right.

I'd do anything, I'd give you my world,
I'd wait forever, to be your girl,
Just call out my name, and I will be there,
Just to show you how much I care.

Today went TRIPLE DATING at Summit. Haha cheh xde la. :P

Saleh's b'day today. Went to Sunway after my Comp Studies class to meet Bell. Then lpak2, jln2 fer a while, then went to Summit, where the real celebrations were. Saleh brought two friends with him, Haikal & Amirul. All six of us went karaoke, then after 3 long hours of singing (wtf), me, Bell, Amirul, & Haikal went outside to smoke. After that went to KFC to have dinner, & to eat Saleh's b'day cake.

Before leaving from uni.

Ciggie break. Damn long nvr lpak with Bell wey.
-.-

Before leaving to Summit.

Upon arrival HAHA. Bitches in the making. Hoho.

While singing asked Bell if can smoke there or not. Unfortunately fer me, the minute I asked that I saw this sign on the wall, & started laughing like mad, while Bell was like, "Wey, ko reti bace x?" Ahaha wtf.

Wat2 pndi main la eh. Pdhal bola pun xde HAHA.
=.=

Got some videos! Weee. Well, if you can actually see what's going on la. Wtf. In my phone it was quite bright, but fer some reason when I uploaded it in Youtube become damn dark. Pfft.

p.s, jgn hiraukan suare2 sumbang. Sekian terima kasih. HAHA.

The Reason, sang by Bell & I. Don't bother figuring out which one is my voice, we mades ourselves sound as sumbang as can be. Haha.

Idk what song is this, the boys sang it, & we girls started dancing like mad. Bukak club dangdut sendiri kot HAHA. This is how the 3 of us are when together, ever since before. Presenting the crazy side of Farah, if you can actually see what's going on in the video. Pfft.

Just dance, again by Bell & I. Haha. From dangdut to modern clubbing. Haha. Taken by uh, Amirul kot. Again, take note of the three of us put together. Haha. Sound got some prob btw.

Haa, here's the grand finale. Haha. Our last song, Melompat Lebih Tinggi, where we all mmg kaw2 naik gle. We all practically look high. Kalahkan gi clubbing la kot haha. Mic? Held by Farah & Haikal HAHA. Then another round of 'Happy B'day' for Saleh.

Nad. Nmpk la sgt kan. Pfft.

Haikal.

Amirul.

B'day boy. Haha. Saleh.

Bell!

After karaoke.

Makan time!

I decided to join Nad & Bell at the very last minute, cuz I wasn't really in the mood to lepak. Glad I did though, had a really good time, laughing, dancing, singing & stuff. & making two new friends. Really had a lot of fun. At some point suddenly ended up singing duet for Nidji's Biarlah with Amirul. Wtf. Then there was this part where Bell & I got emo, & Amirul & Haikal started putting our names into the lyrics they were singing. Lol.

Among the three of us, Nad's the happiest really. After months of being together unofficially with Saleh, they finally became an official couple. & to think that last time Amin & I kept on emphasizing on the fact that it was ridiculous fer them to not officially be a couple. & now looked at what happened, both of us, the so-called happy couple's the one who didn't last.

Bell also just broke up with her boyf a week ago, & she wasn't doing well. Coincidently we had the same anniversary, on the 20th, though mine lasted for 8 months while hers was 2. She was practically down the whole day. Love, drives a person crazy. Well, one thing's fer sure. At least I don't have my arm bandaged due to having carved Amin's name on my arm; I would never have the guts to go that far.

Meanwhile, Phat & I? Done, fer the moment I suppose. He's started to realise that perhaps I just don't love him as much as he loves me. First he said he didn't want to 'kaco' my relationship with Amin, if there even is one. Then suddenly he asked how I was with 'my ex' & I gave him a brief explanation. Told him that I loved Amin to death, but we barely contacted each other anymore, & that I doubt if he evens loves me any longer.Then he goes on about me being stupid, asking me how long I wanted to be played like that, no matter how much I loved him, & that he was basically giving me a chance to start a new relationship.

Thanks very much Phat. I am stupid, to still love an idiot who has done so much to hurt me. I am stupid, to still love an idiot who had another girlf behind my back when he was my boyf, not to forget the other countless girls he had. I am stupid, to still love an idiot who loves me very much, as quoted by him, "until his last breath", then claims he doesn't love me much any more, & suddenly loves me again. I am stupid, to still love an idiot who made it very obvious that he was merely using me for his own good, in certain situations. Bottom line, I am stupid, to even waste all my love on an idiot like him, who did nothing but toy around with my feelings, & eventually dumping me in the end, ske ati je nak cari aku kan, when I wait every single fucking second fer him.

I admit, I'm sick of him, not to mention very, very pissed. How can he even have the cheek to say that he still loves me, when just before that he can boldly come up to me & tell me that he doesn't love me any longer. Words that leave a permanent scar right over my heart. I'm a human with feelings, not a lifeless doll. A million apologies won't make up fer every single word he said. Despite deleting that msg, the words are deeply etched in my memory. But I love him very much, nothing is even going to change that fact, not anyone, not even Phat.

Gonna stop here. Every single thought of him, makes my heart bleed, makes me feel like crying. I feel the pain through my chest. But I won't cry, I won't bring myself down, b'cuz I know I'm strong, & I can somehow get through this. Patience, it would somehow always help.

2009-08-13T01:06:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Emma Bunton - What Took You So Long

Talk to me, can't you see,
I'll help you work things out.
Don't wanna be your enemy,
And I don't want to scream and shout.

'Cuz baby, I believe in honesty,
And then be strong and true.
I shouldn't have to say now, baby,
That I believe in you.

What took you so long?
What took you all night?
What took you forever to see I'm right?
You know, I treat you so good;
I make you feel fine.
You know, I'll never give it up this time.

sorry if i moody sgt..
i juz xbley trime yg i syg u sgt2..
tp u..

& all I said was that I wasn't sure about my feelings. Blum lg ckp psl syg kat ex lg. Pfft. I'm caught in some stupid love triangle, & I don't like it at all.

My phone rings all night; calls from random guys. For the 1st night it did seem like fun, dah lame xgayut lak. But eventually it was starting to bore me out. Let's face the fact; I'm just not used to talking to other guys anymore. & I'm supposed to be SINGLE. SINGLE girls just don't act that way weh! Couldn't blame me really, for the past 9 months or so the only guy I ever contact was Amin, even until now, well, tht is, until Phat came along. Here's some stupid habit I have, ain't it.

Suddenly I'm wishing that everyone would just leave me alone. I've been pretending so much these few days, its stressing me out. I feel fake. But at the same time I hate having to hurt other people's feelings. I wonder why the hell I always end up being the one caught up in stupid situations like this. I know all this won't stop, not without me having to break someone's heart.

I don't want to talk to anyone nowadays. At times I just feel like stuffing my phone into my drawers, & nvr take it out again, if it wasn't for the fact that Amin still texts me every night. I'm turning into one of those loner freaks. Gah gah gah. I don't even know what I wanted to say anymore.

Meanwhile, finals start on the 13th nx month. At least there's a reason to keep most people away from me. Bite me.

2009-08-11T23:34:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Revenge Is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)

I'm so mad at you right now,
I can't even find the words,
And you're on the way down,
I can't wait to see you burn,
You try to make me hate that girl,
When I should be hating you,
What the hell's wrong with you?

Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I'm going through?
Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me,
You're right there but it's like you never knew me,
Do you even know how much it hurts,
That you gave up on me to be with her?
Revenge is sweeter than you ever were.

38/80 fer Comp Studies.
Ahaha. Bangge gle doh. Xcam sial. But, surprisingly I scored better than a number of people in my class. & I didn't even study weh, unless you consider me flipping through my notes in the car otw from Bangi, before my test. & that shouldn't be counted, fer the fact that I went into a fit after 5 minutes & started throwing my notes, causing me to kene mara by Amin. Wtf. Oh, & Jo-lyn got 40, & John got 36. Nmpk sgt masing2 meniru doh HAHA. Sheesh.

Oh, adik's b'day yesterday. Mummy made long-life noodles(mien sien? wtf), while papa bought KFC. Then my aunties bought a choc banana cake from Berry's, just like the one I brought during my 17th b'day, where no one ate it.
=.=

Mke papa br bgun haha. Dahlah almost t'jatuh. >.<

Anak mummy. T_T"

Anak papa.

Dak sengal. hoho.

Farah yg bongok & Adrees yg sengal. HOHOH.

Didn't sleep last night. Was chatting with Casper & Phat until around 2, then some dude called me & started chatting till 4, until at 6, Phat called to wake me up. Pfft, xlene tido. Wtf.

Found it amusing really, the both of them. Haha. I changed my status in myspace to 'hope u know it ain't easy fer me', which were basically lyrics from the song Breathe by Taylor Swift, but obviously there was a reason why I placed it there.

Phat cmnted, saying it's okay or sumthing, obviously thinking that my status was meant fer him. I was like wtf, but n'way, didn't give much cmnt, & kept quiet, to the fact that only two people would have known who that status was really meant for. Skali Amin cmnted my status too & said that he still loved me. The funniest part was that Phat read Amin's cmnt before I did, & got jealous.

Started saying stuff like he shouldn't disturb me, cuz we both still loved each other & stuff like that. Didn't say much, cuz everything he said was true, but told him that basically we were over, so what difference did it even make.

Meanwhile, Phat's going around claiming me to be his. Danger much? If that particular person still loves me, he better watch out, cuz he's got himself some competition. & I'm not talking about only one person.

Boys? No longer important to me. Y'all can love me all you want, but I'm not gonna fucking trust guys anymore. I can fucking live without you, b'cuz, I live for the fucking day, not fer anyone else.

2009-08-10T00:33:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin On The Club

Now this be the last time you did me wrong,
No more laying up in your arms,
No calling, saying you want me back,
I'm packing my bags, what you think about that?

Stayed at home like a good girl do,
But tonight baby you got me sad and blue,

akio takanashi aki: bby..
akio takanashi aki: dis is myb to early for dis..
akio takanashi aki: but would u like 2 my baby?
akio takanashi aki: i mean my gf..
akio takanashi aki: i xske propose kat mcm nie actly..
frh alia.: oh
akio takanashi aki: i lg ske face 2 face..
akio takanashi aki: sbb 2 i nak jmpe u sgt2..

He did it. Phat finally did what I knew would somehow come by in a matter of time.
I said no, not fer now. Not when I'm still desperately lost in my own feelings fer Amin. I felt awful, seeing the look on his face via webcam when I rejected him was enough to break me apart even more. I hate rejection, enough to actually not want to reject others. I feel crappy, I don't even know how I should even feel at the moment.

frh, bby.; & i screamed my lungs out at you & your pathetic lies yet you didn't listen & left me all alone. | flashback moments.

I posted this in myspace last night. Apparently, I didn't know that particular status of mine caught a lot of attention of fellow myspacers. Even Phat got worried & asked me what happened once he got online, fer the fact tht he attempted to call me but couldn't reach me, cuz I had my phone off fer the past 2 days.

Last night I suddenly thought back of that day, when I went for the Sports Carnival. Where I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Was in kak Intan's bathroom at his house, when I overheard him talking over the phone to someone outside the window. Assumed it was some friend, until he used 'I' & 'you'. Kept silent & continued listening, eventually hearing the voice of a girl. Heard him 'kiss' that girl over the phone, & this very strong urge swept over me, wanting to grab the razor that was on kak Intan's sink & to just cut my wrist. I attempted to cry out loud & scream, but no sound came out.

Had to drive him back to Bangi after tht, & I was driving so violently, in a way that, if Amin & his friend weren't there, I would have deliberately crashed my car. Told him what I heard & started screaming at him. Yet again, as always, he had something to answer me back, again causing me to shut my mouth up instead of arguing.

Felt sick then, wanted to cry & scream, but I just couldn't. I felt terrible, fer the fact that, thinking back, I didn't have the right to even shout at him, he wasn't my boyf anymore, he could do wtvr he wants. But even so, it killed me to hear that conversation, especially when it was one that wasn't with me. It confused me badly, & even having him there leaning against me, touching my forehead & saying that he was done with tht girl didn't help at all. I was just so confused, & mad at myself, fer being so possessive, yet wanting to keep him with me.

I feel very, very fucked up at the moment. I currently feel incredibly guilty. Phat seems to love me a lot, & I wouldn't deny that I'm having the slightest feelings fer him, but it's just all so wrong. Webcamming with him every night, I don't see his face, I see Amin's. All those 'I love you' crap, everytime he says it, I'm reminded of Amin. When he texts or call me, I don't hear his voice, I hear Amin's.

Read his previous myspace statuses. How he mention quite a lot about me. At some point his mood was 'wants farah', while mine was 'wants casper'. Started crying, causing me to off my webcam fer a while. I still wonder why something so perfect could fall apart just like tht.

2009-08-09T00:10:00.010+08:00

Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Something

Sometimes I wonder,
Why I'm still waiting,
Sometimes I'm shaking,
that's how you make me,
Sometimes I question why I'm still here,
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.

Can you help me understand?

In situations like this, do you listen to your heart or your head?

Went to Amin's house fer kenduri, with papa, mummy, & adik. To be honest, I was dreading seeing him again, especially after what he said to me. Part of me didn't want to go, but I'll have everyone asking if I decided to not go wouldn't I. So gi je la kan. Otw there I felt terrible. I didn't know how I was supposed to even feel.

Mummy knew something was awfully wrong with me, especially when she asked me all sorts of questions about him, & all I answered was "I don't know,". She asked me if he still had fever, & when I said "I don't know ", she was really surprised, b'cuz of the fact tht of all people I should be the first to know if he's recovered.

While eating mummy asked me if we fought again. I said no, but I didn't know why, for some reason I just didn't want to communicate with him in any way. At his house I avoided looking at him as much as I could. In fact, come to think of it, I didn't even look at him at all, even when I returned him his keys, tht necklace that he gave me with the words 'Amin ♥ Farah' & my cigs that had been kept fer quite sometime.

Not b'cuz I hate him or something like tht really, I just didn't want to look him in the eye & face the fact that this was the guy that I love, the one that no longer loves me anymore. It was a painful reminder to me. Being at his house, my head was telling me desperately to get the hell out of there, yet my heart was telling me to just stay.

As I left there was this heavy feeling weighing on me, the fact that this would most probably be the last time I'll ever see him. No more him coming to see me, no more me going to see him. I felt sick, I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment, despite the fact that I didn't even eat much. I took deep breaths to stop myself from crying, telling myself sternly that I'll be alright. Eventually I fell asleep, & woke up with tears pouring down my face.

Unwanted moments.

It was nice though, seeing how well both our families communicated. Before we left papa & mummy actually helped to cover the food from flies & stuff, something they'll usually do at home. Coming from mummy it's expected, but from papa, well, it's a first. It's nice, having all of Amin's aunties recognizing me & acknowledging me, eventhough I had forgotten what I was supposed to call them. Lol. However, so near yet so far. I didn't belong to this family anymore. They all felt like strangers to me, like people from a past life. Despite knowing them so well, I felt like I didn't know them at all.

Mummy kept going on about how Amin is actually a nice guy, dot dot bla bla yada yada. Idk if it was just to cheer me up or if its just the fact that she's been hooked to the fact that he's been my boyf fer the past 8 months or so. At one point she asked papa how to go to Bangi, & I was like, wtf. The only reason Bangi's ever mentioned is when I always attempt to convince mummy to let me drive up to Bangi to see him. At another point mummy was ranting something & I randomly said 'womanizer'. Mummy said that he's fer sure not the type. Well mummy dearest, if he isn't a 'womanizer', he almost is, cuz if he's not he wouldn't have been cheating on your daughter & broke her heart when he was with her. For god's sakes, he's good as gone after this, does it even matter if he's nice or not anyway?

The only reason, I can keep myself sane & somewhat normal at the moment, is when I think of the fact that he's happy living his life without me. It does hurt, knowing that he no longer needs me, as much as I still need him, but as long as he's happy, nothing else matters to me anymore, even if this pain may someday kill me. I can easily be replaced in his life, I'm sure his new girl will take good care of him, if there's one atm. I swear to God, his happiness, that's all that truly matters, from the bottom of my heart. Even if I had to die tomorrow just to make him happy, tht's exactly what I'll do.

This, will never happen, unless necessary.
^{I suppose.}

Emotional moments, recorded unexpectedly by the brother. Sry fer my suare sumbang. & fyi, in the ending the tune lari. Just b'cuz I was stupidly attempting to do the background singing (I forgot tht word wtf).

2009-08-07T09:15:00.003+08:00

Oh, didn't mention in my previous post, that it's officially been a month since I became single? On the 7th. Lucky number? Well, fer me its just unlucky isn't it.

Every 7th of these past 4 months I've been experiencing bad events. 7th May, I almost broke up with my boyf over some other girlf he had. 7th June, well, nothing happened I think, but we were on the rocks anyway. 7th July, we broke up. & 7th August, he texts me & says that he doesn't love me much anymore.

Funny to hear it from him after all these months, especially when I had already felt so the moment I found out about Sheeya 4 months ago. His words hurt me a whole darn lot, but it's life I guess, people change, so there's nothing I can do, but to live with it. As long he's happy, I'll be fine soon enough. All I can hope now is that whichever girl that he seems to 'still love', according to his Myspace status, will love him & look after him as much as I did & still do. Because fer once, I'm 100% sure that that girl is not me.

Meanwhile, last night two guys majok with me. Wtf. I did my very first public webcam marathon HAHA wtf. Before this I only viewed my webcam with Amin. Was viewing webcam with Phat, where he was forcing me to smile. Lol. & since I was so darn bored I just placed my 'view my webcam' link in my status so that anyone can request to view it at any time. Menyesal kot. Almost 10 people requested to view my webcam, which included Amin. Naturally, I always on it fer him, but basically he was one of the few that did get to view.

N'way, there came this part where I actually forgot that my webcam was on, then Amin suddenly called. I had forgotten that he was actually viewing my webcam, since we weren't chatting, until he started teasing me about me making faces. Pfft. Then while being on the phone, well, naturally everyone who viewed my webcam could see what was going on, & that included Phat.

While I was so bz on the phone, & didn't reply his Ims, he suddenly majok & said that he didn't want to disturb me, & went offline, when basically, we were busy making faces before that. Swt. So, uh, xpe la kan, biar la dlu. So I continued talking on the phone with Amin, & when it ended I texted Phat to pjok him. Lololol.

After that was Amin's turn to supposingly majok. Haha. While I was busy online doing my own stuff Phat suddenly called, so pe lg, lyn je la kan. Started complaining to him about some stupid perverted idiot who wanted to view my webcam. Once again I forgot that my webcam was on, until Amin started miss calling me while I was on the phone. Haha wtf.

Phat. Last night he told me he loved me. We have nothing going on btw. I didn't know what to say, or how to react, because, I don't love him. I don't even know him well, stkat sblan main chatting kan. I don't want to love anyone else. Yea, he can see me as the 'good' girlf who doesn't cheat & stuff all right, but that was only because I love Amin, that's why I wouldn't do such things. If I was with someone for the sake of just having a boyf, well, give me 2 months or so & I'll be worse than Amin, the guys I'd have will be uncountable. Tgk kes dlu ngan Is & Zudy pun dah ley tau kot, kan Bell? HOHO.

I still find it ridiculous, how I do almost nothing, how I just be my boring self, & the next thing you know this guy's saying I love you. I've never replied him back, because I know, that I don't love him, & the phrase 'I Love You' that comes out from my mouth is only meant fer that one person.

Oh, before I forget. Planned on going back to London after my Foundation year, fer a short vacation. Wanna try & score well in my exams, hopefully I can get good results & continue my studies & life there in London. Everybody in my family agrees with me, & supports the idea. Besides, I can get discounts if I study there. I might as well give it a shot right? I hope it'll come true, it'll be nice to start a whole new life in a whole different place. Not any place, but my very own hometown.

Flames to dust,
Lovers to friends,
Why do all good things come to an end?

2009-08-07T01:46:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Goodbye To You

Those times I waited for you seem so long ago,
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go,
You know you never got by "I feel it too",
And I guess I never could stand to lose,
It's such a pity to say,
Goodbye to you.

How could I have loved someone like the one I see in you,
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too,
These last few weeks of holding on,
The days are dull, and the nights are long,
Guess it's better to say,
Goodbye to you.

I wonder why in the world some guys can so darn easily fall in love with Farah Alia, this ordinary dumbass who has basically nothing special at all. Though I do understand why they would dump & abandon me just like that in the end. That's just weird. I do basically nothing, I don't lead them on, I don't flirt much, I just practically be myself, & now, I've placed myself in an unwanted situation. Bgos la ko kan Farah Alia. =.=

N'way, it's late, I've had a looong day, so here's some pics, before I retire.

Ramanan, me, & Jo-lyn. 3 monkeys. HOHO.

Comp studies tutorial. Lousy coms hoho.

Dinner with Uncle Woo.

Stranded. Abg mechanic itu menyibuk haha.

Back at home, finally.

Your words hurt me, but as long as you're happy, I'll be alright.

2009-08-05T21:21:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Yuna - I'm Not Like You

I gave you my all back then,
Whenever you needed me,
Your lies they cut through my skin,
Whenever I reach for you.

Today, of all days, when I needed my car the most I ended up not having it. Pfft. Was supposed to drive to uni today, cuz had exam at 4.30-5.30pm. Skali when I started my car in the morning the stupid car did the best action it could supposingly do; refuse to start. Xsakit ati lak aku. So n'way, Papa had to fetch me. Had Econs lecture at 8, & by the end of the class some lecturer told Jo-lyn, who's my class rep, tht our Business Maths lecturer was on MC, & tht our Business Maths classes were cancelled. So, in other words, I only had class until 10, then I was basically free until my exam, which was starting at half past four. Xbazir lak mase aku.

Of all days wey! If I had my car I could have easily gone to Keramat to see syg or go lpak2 at Mid Valley or even go to the friggin gym! Sheesh. So n'way, with 6 hours to kill, weirdly, did quite a number of stuff. Miss Phaveena invited me to hang out with her in her class, to watch some other class doing their Public Speaking assignment. Hoho. Asked me why I didn't go lpak at Mid or sumthing & I told her that I was currently transport-less. Wtf.

After that went to tman Prajiv eat at SP Corner, while I wasted my time by having a drink & smoking. I refused to eat there, the food was quite expensive. Waited fer Jian there too, since I promised him that I'll study with him fer Business Maths. After Prajiv finished eating went to PD block to have lunch with Jian, since the food was obviously cheaper there. Started raining, so we all lpaked at the cafeteria until it wasn't so bad. After that went to the computer lab to tman Jian finish up his slideshow fer his Moral presentation, which was shortly after that. I, however, went Myspacing next to him, ouit of boredom, while Prajiv looked. Hoho.

After Jian left fer his presentation, told Prajiv tht perhaps it was time we started studying. So moved to the study room where fer once, I actually studied Maths like hell, while he sat there staring into space wtf. Integration & Statistics. Pfft. Benci gle2 kot bab Intergration.

Nick's calculator. Lent it to me since mine went missing at syg's hse. Pfft.

Semangat wat soalan. Oh, & Tiger biscuits fer more semangat HOHO.

After that when to lepak at SP Corner once again with Prajiv, Jian, & Jo-lyn.

Exams? Sucky. I remembered the formulas all right, but I didn't know how to apply them. WTF weh. Xcam sial. Pfft.

Ble masing2 dah pnat nak mampos.

Currently busy with Econs assignment. Did one whole essay fer my assignment, & gave it to mummy to check. There was this part that mummy said didn't make sense, & before I knew it I was teaching mummy about demand & supply. Haha wtf. Bangge seh. LOL.

Oh. Prajiv said that he was impressed by the way I was always happy go lucky at uni. Happy go lucky la sgt. If I was happy go lucky I wouldn't be your typical girl who smokes & feels fucked up every other day, as what I told him. I'm good at pretending, who would have known what goes on in this bitch's head every single fucking minute of the day. Anas, Ramanan, & Jian sure did get one thing right about me; I am currently very tensed up, frustrated, & down.

At times, I wonder if I really, really lucky, or really, really unlucky.

2009-08-03T21:01:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Good Charlotte - Dance Floor Anthem

She’s going out to forget they were together,
All that time he was taking her for granted,
She wants to see if there’s more,
Then he gave she’s looking for.

He calls her up,
He’s trippin’ on the phone,
Now he doesn’t want her out there and alone,
Now he knows she’s smiling and knows she’s using it,
Now he’s losing it, she don’t care.

Having a bad flu atm. Quite sudden, I was ok before this. Amin called me up just now & said he's had his fever back. His case isn't that surprising, he didn't fully recover from his previous case. Today was a bad enough case fer me. Almost crashed my car several times, due to my heavy head. I was so dizzy & up with migrain its a wonder I didn't faint, though I almost did though.

May be in risk of having H1N1. I only just rmbred that Ktar had a few cases, from what I heard. Bgos la klu dah kene, mati cpat la kan. Even mum got worried, apparently the death rate in Malaysia is steadily increasing. Amin said he went to the doctor, the doc said he was fine. That's good really, I'll nvr forgive myself if I had h1n1 & spreaded it to him, I was, after all, the one at Ktar.

Oh, looks like my sleepless nights finally paid off. I'm getting dark circles under my eyes, well, that's what everyone has been cmnting. Life's great fer me isn't it. I'm still very puzzled to the fact that I always wake up at 4am. Yea, I do wake up like every hour or so & toss & turn fer a bit before I actually fall asleep but why the hell every 4am?

Randoms, while waiting fer class.

Classmates.

2009-08-02T21:19:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - The World Outside

If you look twice,
The second time you might fail to recognize,
Look through my eyes,
Maybe a part of the old me is left inside.

Now hear my cry, there's no words beneath,
There's no in between, there's no alibi to make this right,
No behind the scenes, everything you sees what you get,

Don't fight the world outside,
It's changing me, changing me,
To whom i'm afraid of,
I can't confide in anything,
The crowd will not rest tonight.

I hate being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I hate doing the wrong things at the wrong time.
I hate finding what I find, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, all at the wrong times.

I hate the fact that I can't move back in time.
I hate the fact that this current reality of mine is somewhat so harsh.
I hate the fact that I can't move forward, not when the past is still holding tightly onto me.

I hate this pleading loneliness suffocating me.
I hate this deadly confusion threatening to put me out of my mind.
I hate this desperate urge to just scream out loud & cry.
I hate this insecurity that is driving me insane.

Bottom line, I hate the fact that I, of all people, had to go through all this shit. Why do I have to got through this stupid emotional pain? Why is it that everytime I finally reach a tiny point of happiness I end up falling all the way down again? I don't understand, none of it. Everything just doesn't make any sense.

I just can't get myself to cheat on him. It was torture enough today, almost having my heart jump out of my chest everytime he held my phone, in fears that he'll go through my text msgs & find, well, find what I found in his phone. If it's even called cheating, we've already declared ourselves single, how the fuck can that be called cheating anyway. I thought I could smartly turn things round & show him that he's not the only one capable of doing shit, but it happened to have backfired on me, & now I feel so crappy I might as well commit suicide.

I can't rmbr what I wanted to say. I feel terrible, about everything. It's not fair. Why me? Please, why me?! I'm begging, please, please, someone stop this tortured feeling in me. If this is what love is supposed to be, I might as well stab a knife through me after this.

I feel like crying. I want to cry. I want to scream out loud & ask God why. I can't stand it any longer. Patient as I am, I still have a limit. I don't want to live anymore.

2009-08-01T23:22:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Saturdays - Fall

I gave you all you desired,
All that you needed,
Boy I provided,
I let you into my head, into my bed,
And that’s a privilege,
I had your back in the answers,
You took the dollars,
I took the chances,
Defended battled and fought,
Cause I really thought you loved me.

You said that you were the strong one,
I was the girl and I was the young one,
I kept your feet on the ground,
My head in the rounds, I had you,
You told me you were so grateful,
I was with you and I was so faithful,
I stood by in all that you said,
And all that you dared, I loved you.

Fall, out of my head, out of my heart,
And when you hit the ground,
You’ll be sorry that I’m not around,
I will watch you,
Fall out of your mind, out of your fantasy,
When you hit the wall, think of me,
I’ll be on the top, just watching you fall.

Oh fiki wiki,I'm dead jealous of the fact that you went with your boyfriend to other countries & had so much fun. Fer me, I don't even have a boyf now. Pfft.

Which gave me an idea. Help me out people. Now I'm looking for a superhot rich drop dead gorgeous temporary boyf who can go holiday with me, so that I can shop & dine & have fun with him & sleep in his arms at night.. Xkene paw kaw2 ko nnt ngan aku HAHAHAHA. Kejam tol minah nih. =.=

I'm Goddamn bored wey. This is what you get when you're single really. Supposingly single, when I tell people I still have a boyf & stuff. Wtf. No boyf, scandal2 sekalian masing2 menghilang. Oh, wait. That was b'cuz I told them all I got no credit when basically, I just reloaded my phone. HOHOHO. Sanggap dowh. Sanggap kiss. Ngahahaha. Screw you people man, I'm currently fucked up bored & not in my right mind. So yea, forgive me for this random idiotic post of mine.

Can't wait fer tmrw really. Ktar Sports Carnival, but I'll be going to get syg at Bangi 1st. & I just realised tht I didn't have to find a red top fer tmrw, I already have this red dress that I rarely wear. & to think that the only red top I thought I saw in my room was that cheongsam. Wtfff. I'm hoping certain unexpected miracles would happen at some point. I need more excitement in life, I currently feel like I'm dead & six feet under.

Meanwhile, watched that video again, the one that's in my previous post. About Sam & Esther. Seriously, once you think of it, they're not the only ones in the world. God have mercy, we live lives full & so much more complete than them yet we complain of not having this & not having that. What about those that we see, the ones with no food & drinks, no comfortable bed to sleep in, no love, being abandoned by others? We should all take awhile & think of the others, & be grateful for each complete day we live.

I'm really happy fer the children in tht video, finally they have the chance to live in a place full of love & comfort. But it breaks my heart to think of the many others out there who go through the same life as them. Thus, this lead to my new hope before I die.

Before I die, I wish to visit these sort of places, & give all the help that I can afford. I pray to God that sometime in future I'll get the money to help these people, to contribute to giving them the life that they deserve. It'll kill me of course, if just watching this video can make me cry, I can't imagine seeing the whole thing fer real.

Some people might be thinking that I'm talking bullshit atm, but well, we'll see. Which reminds me. I've been to this place before, some rumah orang cacat in Kuantan. Mainly it was full of those who were mentally disabled, but it was fun being with them, seeing them laugh, entertaining us like little kids, where they sang & stuff like that. Then there was this Malay boy who was my age, & was autistic. It was cute, I sat next to him, watching him feed another little boy tht stayed there too. Sad though, he looked so normal, who would have thought. & he was my age. While I was out there enjoying life, there he was, being in some home fer the disabled, struggling to live a normal life. Sometimes we really should think of what we have, & be dead grateful.

Lend a helping hand, & help those in need. & I strictly include animals in this case too.

And there's never a night I sleep
With the dreams that I'd have if you never decided, decided to leave

I'll wait for you
If you never change I will be okay
But I'll still stay up for you
Just in case you make the time for the right move

Eyes Set To Kill's new song, Come Home. No it's no a screamo song la. I listen to it & feel like crying, almost every single lyric describes how I feel, & what I do. That particular person should actually listen to that song & be reminded how lucky he should be to have some one like me love him. HOHOHO. Here's a fact about me. I do love people easily, & I do get bored easily too. So to love a person fer this long, well, let's say this is a first.

2009-08-01T13:08:00.002+08:00

Watch this, & be grateful with the life we live. Think of the others, who suffer the worst situations. We should follow MJ's footsteps, & make the world a better place.

p.s, Amin syg wajib tgk. Hoho.

2009-07-31T01:24:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - Come Home

We say it's okay to leave it alone,
But I want u to notice, this case isn't closed
Doors are open, the lights are left on,
And there's never a night I sleep,
With the dreams that I'd have if u never decided,
Decided to leave,
Decided, decided to leave.

There's never an ounce that I breathe,
without thinking about who I could have been with you,
There's never an ounce that I breathe,
without thinking about who I could have been if you didn't leave.

You say we can learn from this,
But I just don't know,
What to do without you anymore,
Your absence has taken it's toll on me,
What I should believe,
I just can't believe.

I'll wait for you,
if you'll never change,
I will be okay,
but I'll still stay up for you,
just in case you make the time for the right move.

Phat: You nak tau sumthing x? Mmg besh ouh klu dpt you sbgai girlf. Dlu I igt lg, mase you ngan bf you lg kan, you xkan lyn I klu I buzz you, then klu I try ngorat you ley gi sound I. Cam kerek gle je you haha. (what came nx in the conversation's irrelevant wtf)

Haha. Poyo la ayat ko by. Ayat xnak kalah kan. =.=

Just some random conversation from last night's call. I find it funny, how people can label me 'kerek' on the spot, as in very the lanci la wtf. & that's just based on pics wey! Sheesh. But I mmg damn kerek last time, especially in ym. Xsah kot klu xkene sound ngan aku psl bab2 ngorat ni haha. Now I still do that actually. Until some dude actually asked me why the hell I even bothered appearing online in ym when I don't even want to chat. Ske aku la bai. Pfft.

Meanwhile, now I really, really, REALLY lack of sleep. It's a wonder I'm not getting panda eyes yet, like Nick. Ngahaha. I can't sleep at night, & even if I do fall asleep, I'll surely wake up every single hour, fer one very stupid reason: to check my phone. Only God knows why I even bother, it's been months since I had late night calls & stuff really, not including last nite, where Phat (Fadhil) wat super savers every one hour or so just to 'kaco me'. Lol. This has been happening fer almost three months come to think of it. Which human being is actually like me really.

Nowadays I get very sentimental, thinking of the other things I have awaiting fer me in life, especially when now everything I wanted basically fell apart in front of my very eyes. Now life seems kinda meaningless, as if there's no longer much to look forward to in the days to come.

It's already August tmrw, I have finals on the way, it's fasting month, &, well, time is flying pass me. Finals fer God's sakes! Damn fast, I've already been in UTAR fer 3 months, finishing my first sem.

At this point, I hope fer miracles to happen. Fer once, I really want life to be how I wanted it to be. I've been ignoring this empty feeling in me fer quite some time now, it's taking a toll on me. Life's currently very lonely to me, despite the many people tht surround me to fill in my loneliness.

2009-07-28T15:32:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Kristinia Debarge - Goodbye

Am I supposed to put my life on hold,
because you don't know how to act,
and you don't know where your life is going,
Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it,
I don't care if I never see you again,
I'll be alright,
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
but either way baby, I'm gone.

see tht? tht's how I do baby. ;)

Cut my hair cuz it reminded me of you,
I know you like the long-do,
Had to switch my attitude up.

Not fer now, I love my long hair. Wtf.

Had my Public Speaking presentation yesterday, a talk show. Yours truly became the host for my group. Haha. N'way, our topic was about cartoons. Not much really, the whole talk show was awesome, we got a 48/50 fer it (yeay to us!;D) & everyone had a great laugh from their host, Ms. Rara Haha. Credits to Nick & Jolyn fer coming out with the weird name. T_T

There's a video of the whole presentation with Jolyn, but I haven't gotten it from her yet, so when I do I'll upload it here. I, myself haven't seen how shitty I looked yet. Pfft. Meanwhile, did a lot of camwhoring, since it wasn't everyday we wore formal. Haha. Let the pics do the talking yea. ;)

Me & Jolyn, during English class.

This, was our commercial break, done by Nicholas with his webcam. Damn funny wey! *LOL* Everyone had a laugh, even Ms Sharon requested it to be replayed before class ended. & Ms Phaveena, our English lecturer, came in just to see it again. Haha wtf.
Oh, you'll hear me laughing a lot in the background. Wtf.

Our class, drawn by Chung How I think. (:

Yo sexay mama HAHA. Ms Sharon Chu, who wants us to call her ChuChu. :|

Happy Tree Family haha. Yee Juin & Kuan Sing at the back, & Yee Wan, Yee Kuan, & Khe Li. They were the other group to present yesterday.

Our group, Nick, Prajiv, Shu Min, & Jolyn.
Fiddling with the action cards. Lol.

Shu Min. (:
Her voice damn cute one, like budak kecik haha.

Here's the dude tht tman me on my very 1st LRT ride to Keramat haha.
Nick, class clown HAHA. But also one of the most hardworking ones. (:

Prajiv, the 'gay' dude. Gay = happy okeh!!
;P

Teck Wang, Nick's sidekick. Haha lol.
Snooker player from JB, & everyone's best friend. (:

Khe Li! Always look sleepy one haha.

Yee Kuan. Once she opens her mouths & starts talking & laughing you can't help but laugh too. Haha.

Ye Wan, another one of the silent ones. (:

After our talk shows, Sharon played a game with us,where she whispered into Nick's ear about something, & he had to whisper it to the next person, & so on, sending the msg across the room. However the last person got the msg all wrong, so we all supposingly kene dende, have to dance like Nick. But, well, the video below explains what happened after tht. Lmao.

After classes dropped by Makbul in Taipan to lpak with some myspace dude. Then kene sound some dumb auntie, b'cuz I parked in front of her car & she had to wait. Aku kan vvip, kesah. HOHO. Then stupid police give me saman near UTAR cuz I supposingly park in some restricted area. Wtf weh, nak aku park katne lak, atas kpale korg? Xcam babi lak korg.

Fer someone in my current state right now, I shouldn't be driving. Especially not one whose mind is so darn disturbed. Only God knows how many times I almost crashed my car yesterday while driving, & in addition to suicidal thoughts in my head, thinking about the possibility tht I'll actually die in a car accident, well, yea.

Been thinking a lot about death lately. Ntah, fikiran dah kaw2 t'ganggu kot skrg. I just feel so fucked up, about everything. You think I have a life? I feel trapped inside my own world for heck's sake. I just wanna go far far away, away from everyone, & never come back.

Don't worry really, unless there's one day I completely disappear from the face of the Earth without a trace, well, until then there's nothing to worry about.

2009-07-26T15:09:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Used - Liar Liar (Burn In Hell)

Liar, liar, pants on fire,
and the pills go down and get you higher baby,
bottles burning, mother fucker,
and the mother hates him like the daughter,
lonely god and maker gripping tighter saying,

you will burn in hell they say,
you will burn in hell!

Liar! Liar! Pants on fire,
Liar! Liar! Stop your soul from catching fire fire,
God and maker, liar! liar! pants on fire!
;D

As expected, the past few days didn't really change anything now. Still no phone calls, no texts, nothing. I'm not stupid really, I expected it. Xpe, dah biase sgt, so I don't really need you to change in this case. Keep it up, I enjoy being ignored by you as you use your precious & limited credit on others than me, a person you ~~love~~ the most. If that's what love really is, then I suppose I was wrong about love all my 18 years of living. Maybe I've made you realise, that your biggest ever mistake was loving me, & having me love you. But I'll shut my mouth up right now, before I get accused of trying hard to force & push people around.

Nvm, I'll let those others bitches get the best of him fer now, I'll still rmbr what I cursed you fucking sluts. I don't live up to anyone's standards, I can say wtvr I want to, & no one is gonna bring me down, b'cuz I don't live in your life, you fucking live in mine.

Yea, I'm all fucked up fer no reason atm. I currently hate almost everyone. Please tell me it's this period coming. If it does.

The song Liar Liar by The Used. These are not the original singers. Some random dudes made this video. Damn awesome. Enjoy it. (:

2009-07-25T21:06:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Eyes Set To Kill - Heights

This is a lesson I know you'll never learn,
I know you'll never learn.

There's something running through my blood, takes hold of me,
It's taking me to heights you'll never see,
Yeah I'm your wildest dream,
There's something disturbing your sleep,
Well now you'll see,
Nothing's ever what it seems to be, now I'm all that you bleed.

I wonder why I always lose to your every word, when I know that I have so many things to say that could defend me. It's so unfair, I feel so trodden over at times. Everything's unfair, what did I ever do to deserve this? I don't deserve all this, I truly don't, I deserve so much better. Yet, I always wondered, what God's point is in making me endlessly experiencing this. After every ending comes another continuing story. It never does end. I don't want it to ever end, but I wonder what's the whole purpose of all this. I'm strong, I can still take it so far, but why me?? Why do You have to bring me down again everytime I successfully pull myself up?! God, I seriously want answers.

Drove to Bangi this morning, yet again. Syg had baseball training at Keramat, so he sent me to uni fer my exam, before going off to Keramat. Had Comp Studies exam today. Crappy really, didn'd read anything, so masing2 came up with our own grandmother stories & opinions. Haha. Was sitting in between Jolyn & John, & when Jolyn asked me I'd ask John, who would give some answers that he knew, which I would write down so tht Jolyn can copy. & we all started refering to each others papers to see if the answers were the same. Taktik kotor siot kitorg nih HAHA.

After that lepaked with Nick, Prajiv, Jolyn, Pei Yee, & Shu Min to discuss our Public Speaking & English assignments, which are due on Monday & Tuesday. Oh, didn't mention did I, about the talk show assignment? Well, tht's my assignment fer PS, a talk show, where I'm gonna be the host. Lol. Gonna have a video recorded, so I'll post it up in my blog if possible.

After that went to called syg up & asked him to come fetch me. Dropped by this field near my uni, where Amin told me about his experience there, his very first baseball training session. The field was huge, & he said that he had to run around the whole field last time, & practically fainted. Seeing the field itself & listeining to him made me feel the agonizing pain tht he went through in his training. Haha wtf. Then went to Low Yat Plaza to get an external hard disk, fer his Ayah. Got kinda fed up after being there fer a while, seeing computer accessories ALL over the place was definitely not what I wanted, especially after having tht exam. Lmao. Then went back to his house to have early dinner, & finally drove back to Bangi. Oh, drove back to Subang from Bangi in within half an hour. Xgle lak aku kan. Speed's definitely addictive, & I have no idea how I should dispose of it now.

Been feeling kinda down & moody lately. It's been nice getting to be with syg again, laughing & having him supposingly trying to seduce me in the car just now HAHA. He's the only person I can truly be myself with, 100%. But I just can't my head off those text msgs I've found. No problem with him having friends obviously, but, this is too far. 'Love you honey?' No one but me should be saying that to him, all those fucking cunts can go jump off a building fer all I care. & he shouldn't be saying tht to other people too. And and and...! Gahness.

I hate Sheeya, though if it wasn't fer her I wouldn't have realized what sort of person my boyf really was. I hate Mira, whoever the fuck she is. & I hate tht stupid Perak girl or wherever she's from, who apparently seems very fond of the thought of having sex with my boyf. Dahlah ayt2 cam gedik nak mampos, cam kimak je. I don't know who you are, & how you look like, but Whores like you burn in hell, did you know that? Get tht fucking cunt of yours somewhere further & leave my boyf alone God damnit. I do swear alot, but the swear words I use are limited, but in this case I don't mind calling you every single swear I know. Gah. Freaking skanks. Laki lain semue xmampos lg kan? Bf aku gak ko nak. Pfft, terase lak ngan ayat sendiri. T___T

Idfc anymore. I really, truly, swear to God that I don't fucking care what he does anymore, ever since we supposingly broke up, though now I guess I'll have to assume that we are still together. It's his life, I can barely handle my own already, so why should I care about what he does, especially when it affects me too?

I just hate the fact that he leads me on, giving me hope, yet crushing me completely. How can you even have the heart to fucking love me & be there for me when at the same time you do everything in your will to fucking hurt me? You think you feel pain, I feel more than torture. You think your messed up, I'm practically fucked up. You think your head's in a mess, mine's practically gone lost with confusion.

You need time to change? I still don't get it, it's been in my head since that night. In your case, what's so difficult about changing? It's not like smoking, it's not addictive. They don't even love you, why feel sorry for them? You said they know you have me, so why should they feel anything. Unless you love them too, then, well, I would wanna leave if that really is the case. All guys, are so darn confusing I would never understand them, ALL of them. Would it kill them to stop lying & coming up with excuses fer once?

I am, after all, a very demanding person, I want a lot, not just a little, I want everything, not just some, I want to the main, the priority, not just like any other. That's one thing I definitely WON'T change, so adapt to me, cuz I won't adapt to you in this case.

But as I said, I'm vulnerable, easy to manipulate. For once, I just want someone to listen to what I have to say, without criticizing & defending theirselves at every single word I say. To not make me feel as if I'm talking to a wall. I want to be heard, with the limited words & thoughts I can actually speak out loud about. I can never speak aloud, especially when I get so lost in what I want to say. Thus, you should know what my blog is here for.

Here are my words, always unspoken & kept in a corner, my corner.

As I said, I'm in a very foul mood at the moment. So sorry if my words offend anyone. Nak period dah kot. & lack of sleep is finally taking a toll on me. I haven't had a good night's sleep in more than a month now.

with nothing but your t- shirt on.

Syg left his shirt the other night when we went to MOS. Wore it to sleep last night. Haha. Shouldn't have given it back to him, I was so comfy wearing it. Lmao.

2009-07-24T21:56:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Situations

Darling, what is going on?
Honestly, that never happened,
lying is your favorite passion,
Leave me, go where you belong,
Higher heels and lipstick napkins,
dying is your latest fashion.

Sooo. Fer this week huh?

Wednesday, 22nd July 2009.

Skipped classes & actually drove to Bangi to fetch syg. Xgle lak aku kan. HAHA. Had to send him back to Keramat to see the doctor; he came up with a terrible cough. So, after fetching him & his friend from KUIS went back to his hse in Keramat where he dropped me off & went to the clinic. Was very the tired, so dozed off fer awhile, & woke up to supposingly study Accs, well, only to end up sitting in the kitchen chitchatting with Umi & watching her cook. Hoho. After that sat down with her & had lunch. Yummm. Lol.

As it was 12 Amin's umi & I started panicking, it was getting late, I had to get to UTAR fer my test at 4.30, takot xsempat je, since I had to drop Amin back at Bangi. The 2 of us got so panicked tht we called Amin nonstop, who didn't answer, smartly leaving his phone in the car. He got back at 1, & had lunch. Over lunch Amin asked his umi if anyone else was getting married this yr & she said no, then he looked at me & asked when it was our turn. Basically tht is a normal question coming frm him, but it was scary when in front of umi. HAHA. All she did was smile knowingly, which made me feel like throwing pieces of chicken at Amin. Lol.

In the afternoon drove back to UTAR for my accs class, then went all the way back to Bangi. Drove back home in within an hr. Even Amin was kinda surprised at how fast arrived. Well, fer someone who drove 120km/h, what do you expect really. T__T

Fell in love with the comfy UTAR shirt. HOHO.

Thursday, 23nd July 2009.

Normal day really. Had accs lecture, & had to do a lot of questions. By the end of the two-hour lecture, everyone had basically done 3-4 questions, while Jo-lyn & I successfully solved ONE question. Bangge doh. HAHAHA. We suck at accs, & not afraid to admit it. Lmao.

Oh. Before that had Comp Studies tutorial. Sat next to Nick & had a fun time laughing at the most random things. Had this substitude tutor, who, well, nak kate English bgos mmg bgos, tp cam t'lalu try nak ckp cam mat salleh. Haha wtff. The way she pronounced certain people's names was hilarious, & basically we all had a fun time laughing.

Then at night Amin called & asked me if I wanted to go MOS. I was like, wtf, since when did this boyf of mine even let me go clubbing? Damn weird. N'way, at almost 9 drove to MOS & met up with him & his friends there. I wore this tube top & jacket, & when Amin saw me he was like, "Why are you wearing a jacket?" Wtfff. Apparently you can't wear a freaking jacket into clubs, one of the most ridiculous rules I've ever heard.

Went to lpak at some kdai mamak, while waiting fer 12am. Faced some problems in entering MOS, since I, fer one was under 18(they count the freaking mths wey!) & the other guys including Amin was under 21. Bottom line, by the end of the night, Amin's friends dumped him & me & somehow got inside while we both were so tired & bored we both went back home to sleep. Thus, my clubbing virginity is still intact HAHA.

After having this huge fight. Drama siot. T____T

Took his phone for the fun of it & browsed through his inbox. Found stuff which, well, was obviously what I knew was in store for me yet things I didn't want to see. It doesn't help seeing some other girl's name with a heart beside it, sending "Luv u honey" to my fucking boyf, in a way. Pe lg, mengamuk kot. I practically threw his phone on the table & shouted at him, before demanding to have my car keys back so that I could go home. It was enough for me to bear really, I may be "my fav" in his phone, but I'm sure that every other girlf would want to be the only main girl in their guy's life.

Then came this scene tht, well, in my opinion was something tht only those typical rempits near my house do with their girlfs during a fight wtf. He refused to give me my car keys, instead he went to my car & asked me to follow him. Then hell broke loose in the car, as a screaming match occured. Hohoho. After what felt like endless moments of shouting I decided to keep my mouth shut; I was nvr known fer arguing much, too many things were running through my mind tht it was almost impossible to shout everything aloud at him. I knew I'd never win anyway, despite knowing very much that a lot of what his said was basically crap tht any liars or idiots could come up with. Tp xpe, we'll see how far things can go, shouldn't we? Trying hard to change huh? I know how effort looks like when it passes me, so yea, xpe2, Farah Alia sabar je.

But of course, aku sumpah yg pompuan2 yg mengatal ngan balak aku xkan bahagia selagi dorg hidop. Pndi2 la cari blak sendiri, nak kaco org lain nye watpe? Korg jage2 la eh, if his words are true, I'll fucking curse y'all fer eternity, so don't expect true happiness you friggin bitches. I'll fucking curse y'all to be living hell fer the years to come. Sumpah hidop korg xkan aman. Kejam eh? Hah, no one knows just how close to evil I can really be.

Weird really, I don't even know what I should declare myself as. We've supposingly broken up, yet tht would be the last thing you'll actually assume when you see us together. & he still declares me as his girlf to his friends, which, in a way, would make sense, since basically if I wasn't his girlf I most probably wouldn't even be there. WTF. Pning sudaa. But wtvr it is, let's just see what else is in store fer me. Life's taken a whole twist & turn currently, & it kinda excites & frightens me to wonder what else is in store. One thing's fer sure though, this so-called breakup did have a few positive effects on me. Fer one, I think lesser of everything than usual. & I've emotionally detached myself from him. & life feels less of a burden, without thinking of all the other things out there.

I just want to be as happy like I was being with him last night. I'm sick of blaming everyone & feeling so fucked up & sick. I just want to be happy, that's not too much to ask isn't it?

2009-07-18T22:39:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Basshunter - I Miss You

I don't wanna feel the way that i do,
I just wanna be right here with you,
I don't wanna see, see us apart,
I just wanna tell you straight from my heart,
I miss you.

Watched Titanic just now, since Astro has a knack of repeatingly showing it all the time. Watched the ending actually. Cried like noone's business, like tht night I was crying fer hours, when eventually Amin called me to put me to sleep. Haha. & mummy was like "you crying ar Farah? Seriously, don't be so sentimental like me, it's bad," HAHA wtff. I love mummy, she's been my best friend lately, & fer always. <33

Meanwhile, my plan of going out last night xm'jd. Thanks to some 'good' friend of mine. Long story cut short, Bell called me up last night, ajk me lpak, then I told her I xjd go out, since Nad told me she couldn't go out. However, she told me that Nad was right beside her, causing me to go like, wtf. Nevermind then, wtvr really, not like I'm not used to getting tht sort of shit really.

After tht phone call, couldn't sleep, was really pissed; first you come perli me, cuz yea, I know, you're all that la kan, & then you give me all sorts of excuses of not being able to go out, untill finally, you just so happen to be out with your 'boyf', when basically, from what I know, your parents would rather let you out with me than with him, & tht you would never be able to go out, especially at 2am in the morning. How unethical (public speaking wtf).

Got pissed, like damn pissed, cause I was really looking forward to last night all week. I needed a break from university life & reality, & to hang out with friends & stuff, especially after breaking up with Amin. Could have gone out alone, planned to go MOS, but mlas, cuz by the time I got back from uni & Giant with mummy it was almost nine. N'way, got so frustrated, I sent texts to both Nad & Amin, saying thanks to them fer being my only loved ones, & the very ppl who just love breaking my heart. Only God knows why I even brought Amin up in the first place. Well, in frustration people do weird weird things don't they. Heh. So Amin called, & was like, wtf, & started ranting on about how he needed time to sort himself out & stuff, till I stopped him. Apparently he thought it was about our break up. He asked me what was wrong, & I kept quiet, until finally I told him what happened. Suddenly after me storying everything he was like "Jap2, nnt I call you back," & I had the weird feeling that he called Nad, to asked what happened or something. Well, I didn't know tht things were bound to get nasty.

Bottom line, Amin called Nad, asking her to forward my msgs & stuff, then, well, he started calling Bell & her names & go maki2, eventhough basically, Bell wasn't even involved. I don't really know the full story actually, hearing it from both sides, anything could have happened kan? After hearing from Bell about what apparently happened, Amin called.

Asked him what happened, & why the hell he had to go & call ppl & sound2 them. After all, I admit, I did know exactly how he sound ppl, it's not the type you'd actually like, though personally I xprnh kene. Hoho. He was wrong there of course, really, who was he to go maki2 ppl like tht, it wasn't even his problem in the first place. He said that he told Nad to forward our text conversations to find out what happened, & then scolded Nad, etc. Don't get me wrong, he had a point, though his actions were still unacceptable. Swear to God, tht was not what I expected to happen. He got so angry, well, even I fell silent.

He told me about my own msg to Nad, something about me going to Bangi to fetch him. Gosh, he wasn't supposed to know tht wey! Haha. When he said that yea, he knew what I meant, he was my boyf after all, why wouldn't I go all the way fer him, I was madly blushing from head to toe Tht wasn't something he was supposed to know!! Pfft.

Then, in all the hastle & confusion he suddenly started talking about how he still loved me & didn't want to break up, but needed time, that that was one of the reasons he didn't want to leave me, cuz he knew that I'll always kene bully & he wanted to be there to protect me or some sort like that (Mr Chu! HAHAHA). Wtf. Cam I ni budak kecik lg plak you ni. Not really sure what he was saying really, dah ckup confuse kot, suddenly come out about us. Sheesh.

Was abit taken aback, he's never really said much about our breakup, in fact, he's nvr mentioned anything about it to me. Seemed to me as if he was taking opportunity of the situation to say all this, by the way he was saying it, in this rushed tone. We hadn't call or text each other in quite a while. Haha lololol. Kinda impressed though, he never does talk or discuss with me about our probs, tht was kinda like a 1st. Good good. If he can improve in discussing matters with me, & drop the scandaling & stuff he'll make the perfect boyf. HOHO. Not expecting him to change in a day, obviously.

After all this, one thing's fer sure, I understand more about life. Eventhough breaking up with Amin was hard, I learnt a lot about love, & life. Despite how hard it was, I let him go, & brought myself back up. I mean, hey, it's week two already, & I'm not lying under the covers crying & hating everyone any longer am I? Heh. I brought myself back up b'cuz of him. He didn't want me sad, though he knew I didn't want this just as he didn't want it either. He was the one to comfort me after a whole a night of crying. He's not physically here, we barely talk anymore, but hey, he's still with me, in my heart. Jauh di mata dkat di hati right? Lbih kurang camtu la ayat. LOL. You know, like in Titanic, where Jack makes Rose promise tht she'll survive, & live up to an old age with lots of children & grandchildren, & die peacefully in her bed, where she did, & reunited with him in heaven. Awwww. *tears up* Jiwang lak aiyooo haha.

I don't care what people have to say, nak indirect perli ke ape kan. Kesah bai. Korg rase bahagia sgt la, perfect la sgt kan, kesah, I have a better quality of life than you ppl really, I can be even more successful in life than you ppl, so fuck off. I've had a lot of ppl rubbing salt into my already deep wounds, & I know when enough is enough. As I've learnt now, I know what priorities I should have in life, & it's not only about boyfs. Tht's only part of it. Life, can be very unexpecting. Anything happens. Like what I read from this political blog called Might Of The Pen, it's not about how a certain situation makes you feel or what it makes you do, its about how you react to the situation. Life is not difficult, it's an easy journey really, only we people tend to make it feel difficult.

Like mum says, life is NOT a bed of roses. Nothing good will last forever, & well, the best times only happen once, & even if they happen again, they won't be as nice & memorable as the first time. Was discussing tht topic with mummy just now. Haha. Amin, is definitely the first fer me in every single thing. There's a lot more in life, like friends fer instance. There are all sorts of ppl in this world, manipulative ones, those tht befriend you for a certain purpose in their own goods, demanding ones, good ones, temporary ones, well, bottom line, many more. I've yet to learn the meaning of true friendship really, there's not one person I can genuinely say is a true friend, apart from RossJoan of course, though unfortunately we're no longer able to keep in touch. Only one best friend though, & tht's my mum. She's the best, in everything, & no one can be better than her, in any way. N'way, enough about life really, everyone experiences their life differently.

I've had random guys asking me to be their girlf today. Haha wtf. Mentang2 single la kan. Seriously, I don't even know these guys wey! They just randomly buzz me in ym/msn & start chatting, eventually until they ask whether I'm single or taken & I'll say single. & then they'll wanna 'msuk line' or 'isi borang' or just mintak couple trus. Haha lamee. Wtvr it is, my status shall remain single & unavailable fer now thank you, until I get back with Amin. & if tht doesn't happen, well, I'll remain unavailable until I'm ready to find another, which I'm sure will be in a looong time.

Me, Jo-lyn, & Khe Li. Secretly caught by Pei Yin. Pfft.
I don't even know when is this wey. I look so blur haha.
=.=

Oh ohhh. Amin texted just now. Melompat-lompat hati HAHA. Who cares if they hate you really, I love you la sayang, tht's what's important. ;)

This ain't the end, as Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens put it, it's the start of something new.

2009-07-16T18:23:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Breathe

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way,
People are people and sometimes we change our minds,
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see,
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, never easy,
Never a clean break, no one here to save me,
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me.

Had accs lecture just now. Was so god damn bored by the new lecturer's voice, started to drift off into space. Got lost in my lonely thoughts, eventually leading me to remember the 2nd November 2008. We had so much fun then, fer our first date, didn't we? With Mawi & Nad, it was definitely one night to remember, fer the fact that it was the very first official date I had in my life with a boyfriend. The first time I really got to meet you in person, apart from tht short meeting in front of my house.

I remember how anxious I was that whole week. I was so nervous, being scared that things would get screwed up. If they did, I would have gotten it, big time. Mummy assumed I was going to some school function, when I was actually going on my first date with my boyf of less than a month. Haha. You should know just how relieved I was when I arrived at Nad's hse, supposingly to 'get ready to go to tht school function with her'. I was so nervous, I kept on begging Nad to follow, eventually succeeding, after a talk with her parents. When you arrived in front of her house, only heaven knows how nervous I really, really was. Funny though, thinking of that time Mawi shifted to the back, just so that I could sit next to you. Haha.

I rmbr our journey in the car on the way to Sunway. Everyone was quiet, & you suddenly broke the silence, asking why everyone was quiet, while giving me a side glance, & telling me tht you wouldn't be expecting me to talk anyway, since I'm always quiet, especially on the phone. Lol. The parking was full, so we had to park on the rooftop. Pfft. Dahlah hujan lbat gle. You dropped Nad & Mawi & I at the entrance, while you went circling around, searching fer a parking spot. You told me you got pissed at Mawi, fer not staying with you in the car, while you had to run under the rain all alone. Wtf. Haha.

We walked around Sunway, with no idea on where to go. I rmbr how you kept on bumping into me deliberately while we were talking, causing me to silently giggle. Hahaha. Eventually we stopped by to watch people skating, until you suggested that we go separate ways, you & I, & Nad with Mawi. After that, we went to the Digital Center. You wanted to check out the price of that Sony Vaio that you wanted so much. As we walked there you said, "Haaa, skrg br ley," & grabbed my hand, surprising me, though secretly, I had been awaiting that moment really. HOHO. I remember how we walked all around Sunway, holding hands, not knowing where to go. But I didn't care less, all I knew was, I was right there with you, & nothing else really mattered.

Went to meet up with Nad & Mawi at the game arcade. I rmbr there was no place fer me to sit, so you told me to lean against you. Having you hugging me as I laughed at you & Mawi playing games, I wondered, how could something so random turn out to be the best thing to ever happen in my life? I couldn't stop smiling all night, even at the beginning of the night I had already known that it would be the best night ever.

After playing games we all went to have dinner at KFC. I was trying to eat as slow & as ladylike than ever in front of you, despite the fact tht I was already a slow eater anyway. Malu2 kucing la sgt kan. Ahaha. Mawi kept on teasing us, getting you to feed me, talking about kissing & stuff. I could practically feeling myself getting all hot from blushing, I had no idea how I should have reacted. Sheesh. After tht we all went to lepak outside, since you wanted to smoke. Started fooling around, all of us, singing songs & stuff. I didn't sing much, was still quite shy in singing in front of you, especially after tht episode where you forced me to sing Never Be Replaced over the phone, smartly recording my suara sumbang without telling me. Adoii.

The journey back home was fun really, everyone was joking around & laughing, & your car was like a club, with the music blasted up loud. I know Nad was fer sure very excited, especially since you were driving so fast & well, who didn't love the loud music. Tsk3. We arrived at my place early, so hung around in your car; after all, I was supposed to 'be at a dinner' that would supposingly end at 12-ish, & it was only 10-ish. Swtz. Mawi went roaming outside alone, giving us some privacy.

We both were so quiet & shy, thinking about it right now makes me wanna laugh out loud. Hahah. I rmbr when you held my hand again, & since then I didn't want to let go at all, leaning on your arm, while you playfully asked if I was ever gonna let go. I told you tht I didn't want to, you made such a nice pillow. Haha. I remember how you touched my face. I tingled from how cold your hand was; you were quite sensitive to the aircon. You sat there touching my face, while silently in my head, I was wondering when you were gonna kiss me already. HAHA. Cam bangang je aku ni. I'll never forget our 1st kiss, tht 1st kiss on my forehead was enough to make me faint, but our 1st kiss was the very kiss that would make me remember that night right until the day I die. Hugging you tightly, I knew I just wanted to stay there & hug you forever. Being with you, I knew that you were the only guy that I wanted to touch me, to be with me, & that you were definitely one guy that I was bound to love the most.

It was getting late, you told me I had to go back, before mummy got mad. But I refused to, & you supposingly scolded me, though I knew you still wanted me around really. Ngahahaha. At least we took photos before that, after being all camera shy la sgt kan. Ahaha. Eventually it was midnight, I knew I had to leave, though I didn't want to at all. Cam cite Cinderella dah lak kan. HAHA.

Despite hating everything tht happened, though I fully understand right now our situation, I'd have to admit, I miss you very, very much.

2009-07-15T21:58:00.009+08:00

Currently tuning into: Cascada - What Hurts The Most

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
But I'm doin' it,
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone,
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret,
But I know if I could do it over,
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart,
That I left unspoken.

Finally! Economics exams are done. Woot! Haha. Wasn't tht bad actually, but got lost in the graph questions. Pfft.

Before going to uni. I gained weight, I'm aware of tht, so stfu.

Teck Wang, Nick & Ting Sam, my uni lovers HAHA.
(:

Jo-lyn, my uni bestie!
<3

Spent the whole afternoon with my classmates in the reading room, since our exams were at 5, & classes ended at 1. Didn't study much really, all busy laughing, & I was too absorbed in my own thoughts to study. At least I studied fer 3 hrs the previous night, ckup kot. HOHO.

Farah, studying. It's a wonder really, I concentrate during lectures. Well, mainly my fave subs like Public Speaking & English la haha wtf. But I do try to concentrate on the others too, except for Accs. I've totally given up on tht sub, I know nuts about bookkeeping & crap.

I'm getting darn bored nowadays. My phone's a bit the silent. I want a phone that rings all the time wey! WTFFF. Yea, kpd sesape yg rase die ley bazirkan credit die msg I sile la mintak no yerk, main2 msg ngan I hohoho. Tp klu stkat nak menggatal baik xyah. I only want friends, no relationships, no scandals.

Scandal. I've never actually gotten involved in one, unless you count that case with Yon last yr, which I shall repeat myself, I had no idea he still had a girlf then. Pfft. Since some people find it so fun to main scandal2, I might as well get a couple fer myself too, especially now I'm ~~single~~. Nak tak? Jom jom! HAHA, get lost bastards. I currently ~~fuck~~ men, get it?

What's so nice about having scandals anyway? You have a nice girlf/boyf by your side yet you go fer others. Face it idiots, be fucking GRATEFUL, not GREEDY. Unless your girlf/boyf's a bitch/bastard, I don't seeing why you should go fer the scandaling shit. In the 1st place, if your partner's not tht good, why keep them? Why wanna have more than one girlf/boyf? To show that you're fucking popular, that everyone wants you? Hah, KESAH babi. & even if they're after you, do you really have to lyn them back? Pfft. Idiots with no brains, so many nowadays, it's depressing. It's insulting to your own sex wey! T__T

Meanwhile, planning to go on a rampage this Friday night. Plan on going clubbing or karaoke, together with Nad, & possibly go 'meneroka KL'. Fuck it if I'm a noob driver, you people should see the huge P sticker & get out of my fucking way. HOHO. Mummy won't mind, she knows how fucked up I've been lately, kan mama? (: I need some fun to kill this frustration that's still stuck in my head. Though mind you, I'm feeling very much better nowadays, despite what recently happened to me. ;)

However, Nad just texted & said that the ex-boyf won't let me go clubbing, no matter what, & xkan couple balik with me if I ever step into a club. Kesah, as if you'll even 'couple balik' if I didn't go.
But, considering the fact that I do still love you dearly & I've always been like a fool obeying your every word even if you didn't ask me to, while you spent every second doing every single fucking thing behind my back, regardless of whether you should or shouldn't, I'll just give you some face & not go clubbing. Happy?

Oh. Just realized that b'cuz I've been posting quite frequently nowadays, some of my July posts are not shown when you visit my blog.
To view all the posts in July just click here, or July 2009 on the right side. -->
In case you missed out any posts.
(:

2009-07-14T17:41:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin On The Club

You did me wrong boy,
Tell me where our love went.

I hate going into public places nowadays. Couples everywhere, sadly reminding me that I'm stupidly single. Pfft. & I'm starting to wonder how I actually went through 5 months of being single last yr. Sheesh. That however, is NOT gonna make me go boy-hunting, I don't need anymore idiots atm.

Oh. Frh suda kantoi smoke. Ngan mummy die. HOHO. She happened to go into my room which still had the faint smell of cigs & with clothes & stuff everywhere, thanks to my sesi melpskan geram recently. Lmao. All she said was it's an experience, but I should at least think of what's right or wrong fer me. Well, not much to say really, considering the fact that I threw away the remaining cigs I had left; they don't help at all.

Economics exam tmrw. The best thing is, I didn't study at all. Cheer to Farah man.

2009-07-14T00:34:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Turn The Clock

So sad you had to let me go,
What will I do without you,
Just when your dark side starts to show,
I won't miss you dearly,

Some breaking news!
I'm too good for you!

Friends,

Please do me a favor, & don't feel sorry for me. Don't tell me I'll find another one better than him, that I shouldn't be sad, that it's his loss fer letting me go, & all that sad crap you all would say to supposingly make me feel better; it makes me feel worse.

Fyi, I know y'all mean well, be seriously, I'm doing fine on my own. I have my own hopes, I'm thinking positive, knowing that one day he'll come back. Only then, by doing so, if it never happens, I wouldn't crash down that hard. Don't tell me I'll find someone better than him, fer now, no one was best at loving me as he did, & fyi, he still does, so yea. Unless I happen to actually meet someone way better than him fer myself right now, you could stop telling me that. Please don't say "I know it must be hard fer right now,", it is hard, I'm struggling to bring myself back up, & I'm sure I'm nearly there, but don't say that to me, you drag me down deeper, making me forget my goal to keep myself up.

I keep myself sane & happy, knowing that I love him, & he loves me, & that one day, even if he really leaves me fer good, I still have the good times we had to rmbr & cherish. So don't tell me he'll never come back, don't tell me I should forget about him & move on; he's the last person I'll ever, ever forget.

No one will understand why this happened, & no one will know what could have happened, & what will happen. & that includes Amin & I. Of course, if I were to really blame someone I would have blamed it all on Sheeya, if it wasn't for her sudden presence & stupidity in believing every word Amin told her we wouldn't have been placed in such a tensed situation in the first place. However, I am aware that everyone is at fault, in certain parts of the event, fer certain reasons. Every single person did wrong, that includes me, that includes Amin; you can't put all the blame on just one person. We're only human, it's fine, as long as we learn from our mistakes & start over, even if it happens twice. So don't tell me that y'all understand how I feel. Let's face it, no matter what you think, or how you feel, you'll never understand how I felt, what I feel, & what I went through. No one will, not any of you, not Amin, no one at all, but me.

Just do me this one favor, & leave me alone, particularly on this issue. I need no one's sympathy, I'm human, this is life, & I have my own way of dealing with things. Don't feed me with sad words & statements to supposingly make me feel better, we all know that looking at a situation's a hundred times different than experiencing one. I'm doing fine right now, really, sumpah aku okay skrg, so just let it be that way, yea. Don't unintentionally make things worse fer me.

2009-07-13T18:13:00.007+08:00

Currently tuning into: Sixth Sense - Tak Bisa Memilihmu

Telah jauh terpisah, diriku dan dirimu,
Dalam ruang dan waktu,
Sendiriku jalani sepiku, tanpa dirimu,
Resahku tanpa hadirmu,
Sungguh berat hatiku untuk merasakannya.

The couple that fights the most is the one most in love. It shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it. When you stop fighting it means you stopped caring. Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.

Curik dr blog Bell. HOHO. Jgn mara tau syg, aku still kasi credit kat ko. (:

Had a talk with mum just now, otw to uni. She asked me how was Amin & I, & I said, "Uh, like that la," Lol. After that, fer some reason I storied everything to her, about how this happened, about how everything started. I told her about Sheeya, & why I was screaming at Amin over the phone while crying on that particular night. She understood fully, the whole situation, as I told her everything, about how I found her on Amin's recent calls list, how fer some unknown reason I was drawn to her Myspace, leading me to find out the truth fer myself, & well, basically every single detail. Even mum said it was ridiculous, how could he have another girlf behind my back, & want both; it was just downright ridiculous.

After the usual expected advise, move on with life, if you're both meant to be together nothing would seperate you guys, bla bla yada yada so & so, felt a lot better about things. Realize that it was true really, I have a life to life, other goals to achieve, more opportunities in life.

Why waste all my life just b'cuz of some breakup? Thinking back, if he was meant to be mine, nothing, not even this breakup now would keep us apart, we'd somehow end back together no matter what comes in the way. If we don't get back together, well, it's his loss, not mine. I tried my dead best to hold things together, but looks like all the effort I placed in didn't work did it. If this is what he wanted, well, aslkan you bahagia la kan.

Keje I ngan you dah beres. I dah wat pe yg ptut dah sblum ni. Skrg, tunggu mase je la. I dah byk kali ckp kan, klu you btol2 syg I buktikan la, tp t'nyata suda kan skrg. I syg gle2 kat you, you bkn xtau kan. It's never too late, I'm still here. But fyi, jgn tunggu smpi satu ari I dah btol2 pergi dr idop you br you nak wat sumthing. Tau la, maybe you rase cam senang je kan, pe ssah, cari je la lain. You sendiri pun ckp dlu kan, I ni pompuan yg plg senang utk diayat. Senang je you nak cari pompuan lain yg cam I, sedangkan you kan ske sgt nak main scandal2 blkg I dlu, xreti nak ubah. But I'll make sure, that wtvr happens, I'll be the one person in your life that can never be replaced, & never, ever, forgotten. & no other, will ever, love you the way I do.

To change the topic, university. Haha. All the assignments & mid term tests this month, gosh, busy gle kot. Haha. Seriously, I love UTAR so goddamn much. The friends I made, most importantly all my classmates, I have a bright day b'cuz of them. All the laughter & jokes I share, especially with people like Jolyn, Nicholas, Kuan Hyen, Teck Wang, basically all my classmates, they're all like another new family to me. Shoutouts to those that read my blog, I love you people wey! Haha. ;)

Meanwhile, last night I dreamt that I got married. WTFFFF. Yea, in my dream, that I can rmbr n'way, I dreamt tht I was wearing this gorgeous white wedding dress, & spend my first night with my newly-wedded husband at this hotel, where the scenery was amazing, when you stood at the balcony. There was this breathtaking beach, where the moon & stars seemed so near you could almost touch them. Excuse me, my dream was all U okay, untuk tontonan semue. No 18sx or X-rated scenes aite. HAHA. No idea who tht mystery husband was though. Lol. Cam budak kecik already wey, dreaming of marriage. Haha,

2009-07-12T19:38:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Akon - Right Now

I can't lie,
I miss you much,
Watching everyday that goes by,
I miss you much,
Until I get you back I'm gonna try,
Yes I miss you much,
You are the apple of my eye,
~~Girl~~Boy I miss you much,
I miss you much.

Amin's right.
Nad's right.
Even mummy's right.

I keep on feeling so darn helpless fer myself, spending every minute of every day blaming myself, thinking that he's never, ever, gonna come back. When the thing is, he's still around, texting & calling & stuff. I keep on thinking negative, like the whole world's gonna fall on my head soon, it's no wonder why I end up attracting negativity. Nothing has really changed actually, it's just me stupidly telling my head that he's no longer my boyf.

I just get so scared, so worried that in time he'll end up having another girlf, & well, that's when I can really say I've lost him. I don't want to lose him to another, I don't want to have to see someone else taking my place, I don't want anyone else to go through what I went through.

I'm trying. Dead hard. To think even more positively, hoping that there will be a next time, soon enough. He said he still loves me, why the hell do I even think beyond the border. & I'm gonna ditch smoking. At times, I wonder why I never give myself a chance & think straight.

Sumpah I syg you gle2 Casper. Camne la ley jd camni, I pun xtau. Kekdg I rase cam nak try gle2 ubah blk keadaan, cpl blk, tp dah cam xde gune dah pun. Serious I sayang you gile babi, I xnak kehilangan you gak. I xnak you ade pompuan lain, I xnak org lain ambik you dr I, I dah xsanggup kene tggl ngan org yg I btol2 syg lagi. Walaupun dah jd camni, tlg la jgn tgglkan I, pls? I sayang you sgt2, I xkisah pe org lain nak ckp.

Mummy pun rindu you. Haha, td die ckp. Die suruh you settlekan prob2 you dlu, then tgk camne lps ni. I love you sayanggggg.

2009-07-12T15:24:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Don't Say Goodbye

All cried out,
Pleading with you,
I'd die now,
Don’t say that we’re through,
I'd rather you hate me than break me,
You're all I ever knew ,
Now hold on cause,
I'll try to save us,
I'm still in love with you.

Drove all the way to Summit. Mum finally decided it was time she actually let me out alone & experience driving on my own; I couldn't have her beside me all the time. Parked at Giant, since it was free. Went fer a round of karaoke, lepaked fer a bit, & went home. A lot of new places at Summit; all the snooker places were replaced with centres that had karaoke, a pub, & pool, all 3 in 1.

Now the whole thing's finally setted itself inside me. I finally understand why I was better the past few days than I thought I would be; it was b'cuz of the fact that I couldn't believe it, & didn't want to believe it. Hearing it from his own mouth was ten times worse, & it felt a hundred times even more real. Now that it's sunken in, I really can't eat or sleep anymore.

God, just how long is this gonna last. I really can't stand it anymore. I just want to go to sleep & never, ever, wake up again.

2009-07-11T00:07:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Candles

Blow the candles out,
Looks like a solo tonight,
I’m beginning to see the light,
Blow the candles out,
Looks like a solo tonight,
But I think I’ll be alright.

My fave song. This very song makes me cry nowadays. Cassadee sure has an awesome voice.

Thinking back, I've got one fact confirmed. If I happen to be in a relationship, every four months something bad actually happens. In previous relationships, I've ended up dumping them in our fourth month. When I was with Amin, we fought during our fourth month, where we didn't speak fer a few days. & well, now, another four months later, this. Gah. another reason why Farah Alia shouldn't be in a relationship. I'm jinxed aren't I. I bet if I made a list on why I shouldn't be in a relationship I could probably list down a hundred.

To make matters worse, I made my whole room smell like Amin. Should have bought SKL instead of Sampoerna. Xke bongok aku nih. But I'm already risking my butt off, so what the heck. Yea, I started back my old, very unhealthy habit.

N'way. It's sickening isn't it, to you ppl, every single post I have nowadays are about him. I still can't seem to accept the fact. I sleep at night holding his teddy bear, hugging it tightly. & the most confusing & perhaps craziest thing is, eventhough it's over, I still feel him around. Wtf I sound like he's already dead LOL. But yea. That teddy bear's the only thing that I really appreciate now. These past few nights before I fall asleep I'll hug it tightly, & fer some weird reason, feel this strange warmth around me, as if someone's hugging me. I could almost hear him breathing, as if he's sleeping beside me like those days. It's a huge comfort really, but well, once you wake up & think of reality, you can only call yourself downright mad & feel extremely disappointed.

Thinking it through, I don't even know what am I waiting for right now. He probably has a new girlf right now, & doesn't give a shit about me. Or is back with some ex of his, or some girl at college. & probably doesn't even remember my existence. & what am I doing here, stupidly waiting, for something that obviously won't happen. Thinking of that statement, of how he said this was only temporary, that once we were both ready we could start over, it struck me hard that it won't happen, that it was just another empty promise.

He promised that he'll never leave me, he sworn he didn't want to lose me, he claimed that I was everything to him, yet here I am, the abandoned ~~sheep~~. Boys, that's all they do isn't it. Make all those stupid promises, but in the end, break every single word. I'm stupid to think he was any better than any other guy that played me. Though he was slightly better in ways. & to think we went as far as think about marriage. I always knew tht was a step too far, though I have to admit, I was hoping, honestly, tht he would be the last person I'll be with, tht my days of being single would be finally over. Too early to say tht I guess, I'm only 18after all.

If we really get back together.All those 'ifs' huh. I'm dead positive now that it won't happen. We'll never get back together, he'll never come back; it's just life isn't it. I can be easily replaced, as how he can be easily replaced too, though I won't ever let tht happen. & to be straight, we're not even talking anymore, so what chances are there.

Maybe it's time I moved on. & take the next few years healing myself from the heartache & pain that I feel right now. I don't need any other guy in my life anymore. I can't stand anymore pain like this, a double dose was enough for me to bear. I guess he's nothing but a mere memory to me now, & it's something I'll have to accept, eventually.

2009-07-08T18:30:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Secondhand Serenade - Like A Knife

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
~~I'm not living this life.~~

So. After yesterday's most unexpected event, fer me n'way, a lot has been running through my mind. Yesterday's break-up blew me in the head, though basically, I would admit somehow I came up with it, though. I had expected it to be as always, where it never does happen. Who would have known though. No wait, it was already bound to happen really.

Didn't realize that what I told him was actually true. Yesterday, I told him that these past few weeks we didn't even seem like a couple anymore. That I felt like my boyf was non-existent. Going through today, I realized just how true my words were. Today, the first day after breaking up, was just the same as how the past weeks had been. A few texts in the morning, & tht's it. Well, last time there would be calls & a few more msgs at night, but not anymore now.

Breaking up sucks. Thinking back, I've never actually had a proper break up. Basically I've always been doing the breaking up part previously, but I had no feelings for most of them, so I didn't really feel much. Couldn't stop crying yesterday. Got back from uni & tried to stay cool, but didn't stop me from going through an hour of non-stop tears. Cooled down slightly again after that, well, that is, until my aunt called mum & asked her if I had really broken up. Just based on my FB status that wrote "it's over". Pfft. It's amazing how she could have figured it out; 'it's over' could basically mean anything. After that, couldn't help myself.

It sunk in deeper, the fact that it had really happened, causing me to cry all night. Eventually for some reason I browsed our photos that I had in my phone. Under normal circumstances that would be the last thing a person who just broke up would want to do, tp ntah, I just did it. Weirdly, looking at those photos calmed me down a little. In fact, looking at photos of his silly face made me laugh through my tears. & I thought on how he would make me cry & then laugh when I cry, before comforting me. Started laughing again. Pfft. After that settled down a little & fell asleep, holding the teddy bear he gave me.

He said it was just for a while, till we both sorted ourselves out & we're ready to get back again. There isn't much fer me to sort out really, so all I have to do is wait. Wait for what? That I do not know at all.

7th May 2009. Exactly 2 months ago we almost ended up breaking up, but it didn't work out, fortunately. Did a whole lot of mental thinking today, & realised that it's a wonder we actually survived an additional 2 months, after what had happened. At least now we're still talking. If I had broken up that 2 months ago the hurt would have been worse, & that would truly have been the very last time I would actually be in touch with him. Guess it's time up isn't it? After all, all good things do come to an end.

Amazingly, I'm feeling fine. Not saying that I don't care, I'm dead wishing it nvr happened, but I'm better than I thought I would. Guess that there was already a gap between us throughout this past few weeks. Still feel like crying really, it's somehow hard, but thinking of it, he's still around, & I love him, & that's basically all that matters the most.

Despite what others have to say, I'll still wait. Maybe this break from our relationship would do us both some good. I hope it won't last too long though, knowing how impatient I am. Lolololol. I love him, no matter what others have to say about him. He may have certain bad habits & stuff, but he's the only guy that actually knows how to respect me, as a friend, as a girlfriend. Nad's right, I've been through worse with him, what's this really. & if we don't get back together, well, that's just life ain't it.

Unless one day I decide to not love him anymore, there will not be a moment where I would not be thinking of him.
<33

2009-07-07T01:45:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Emma Bunton - What Took You So Long

Whats the 10th text in your inbox say?
hmm.
"syg2, u tau x. ari ni kan, ari plg malang, bosan, bodoh, sunyi.nak tau x nper?jap ek, nak sambung main dota jap.huhu..ok.sambung blik..1.npe ari ni ari pling malang skali=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i..2.npe ari ni ari pling bosan=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i.3.npe ari ni ari pling bodoh=sbb xdpt msg n dgr suare bini i..huhu..sumpah rindu u gle2 syg..muahx."

may sound familiar to someone. & i want tht very person back.

Was doing a random survey in myspace just now. Coincidently while I checked my inbox this was the 10th msg, given by him on the 23rd Feb.

I seriously miss this guy, this boyf of mine, that was there for me every single minute of the day, that would check on me every few hours of the day, whose text msg would be the very one to wake me up & also whose very voice or text msg would put me to sleep. I miss this boyf of mine that would call or text me at the most random times, just to ask me what I was doing, or that he's about to go somewhere, or the one to wish me good night & sweet dreams, the very reason I go to sleep smiling at night. I miss this very boyf of mine that I could always complain to, where he would always scold me in a mock way, & always cheer me up & make me laugh, no matter what.

I miss the times where I would actually go through his phone & find nothing tht would make me suspicious, instead, I find everything about only me. Especially tht time during our first date where Nad found a picture collage of me in his phone that he had nvr told me about; how darn sweet. All these little little things that made me feel genuinely loved, that assured me that I was really loved & that there wasn't a worry in the world at all fer me. The early stages are always the best ones aren't they. Our first date, even thinking about every single detail can still make me laugh, however, also with the certain urge to cry.

I barely know the person that I'm dating anymore. He's changed in so many ways, I doubt he even realizes so. Even crying angrily, shouting into my pillows, throwing everything around my room & mildly cutting myself won't change that fact. I feel so alone, yet I can't do anything about it. There are all sorts of people around me everyday, friends, family, strangers, yet, the world seems so silent around me, as if I've gone deaf. Laughter is only temporary. So near yet so far.

I'm trying to be independent. Even if he's around, to me, he's gone. I have no tears left to cry, guess I'm slowly accepting the situation I'm in. However, I still want back my old sayang, the one I could feel 500% comfortable & loved with.

2009-06-27T13:37:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Fearless

You know, I suddenly agree with Fiki. Boys utamakan their friends more over their girlfs. Not saying it's a bad thing, but if you over do it it just fucking sucks.

Meanwhile, I'm confusing myself on whether I should rebel with syg or just go with the flow. Call me a sensitive bitch, but I'm just fucking pissed everytime he texts me like fer a few times & suddenly hilang like that. I got xtra pissed when he called me last night, can go all lovey dovey for like 20 seconds, & suddenly put down the phone, not even bothering to call back. & the best thing is, he can call again the nx morning & act as if nothing happened. X hilang sbar aku lg.

I feel so stuck in between. I wanna be somewhat rebellious, I just wanna supposingly majok with him, & not lyn him, tht kinda thing, & yet I'm scared tht at the same time I'm scared I would unintentionally lead him to go to some other girl instead. However, going with the flow, he thinks it's all fine, & I would feel like committing suicide. Stupidly waiting for your boyf to call or text is so lame you really just feel like taking a knife & slitting your throat. Pfft.

Nowadays he texts at his own will, calls maybe only once or twice a day, & he's not even busy with classes. From the minute I open my eyes until the second I fall asleep I wait fer him to at least text & say good morning or good night or just anything. Nowadays even in the middle of the night I can wake up & check my phone to see if he texted. So much for a good night's sleep huh.

So many things for me to say. All related to him. & I can't even tell him. In fact, I don't know how to fucking tell him. & these parts tht I let out in my blog, is not even a quarter of it. However, keeping it to myself, well, the results are very clear nowadays, how it's affected me. You can officially call me psycho.

I gonna stop blogging fer now, I can't even type properly anymore. While typing this post there's at least one typing error that I made in every sentence. & even my language seems out. Gah, I'm seriously gonna end up crazy soon. I'm even gonna stop myspacing fer now, I'm in no mood to reply the many cmnts I receive.

2009-06-27T00:24:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Basshunter - Now You're Gone

Fellow readers,

Sry fer not regularly updating my blog. You see, I'm currently at a loss of words when it comes to talking about my own life nowadays. I don't know why really, but here's one thing tht's fer sure. Life is currently like an unexperienced swimmer in the ocean fer me. I'm tht swimmer, caught up in the ocean, which is life. It feels as if I'm trying to swim desperately up to the surface, only to be dragged down even more by the deep blue ocean. Pfft.

N'way, apart from that, nothing serious really. University's as fun as ever, but with the mid terms coming up & assignments & stuff, it's getting slightly tougher. With my 5 minute speech done, I still have my Business Maths mind term test, which is on Wednesday, & fer all the other subs too, throughout July. Pfft, I'm so dead. But well, studied a little fer Maths just now, & guess it isn't tht bad so far.

Meanwhile, just now had some pop quiz fer comp studies. Cam siot je kot. Haha. Then after class lepaked with some of the guys, Teck Wang , Nicholas & Chor Yuen, a few of my best guy buddies so far in uni (haha lol). Was raining damn heavily, & Nicholas & myself got all soaked when we walked from our Foundation Studies block to another block, to get to the cafeteria. After that went to some campaign thingy, about Love, Sex, & Relationships, held by the Counselling Unit. Had some quiz thingy, based on love & relationships, which I got 100% for. Hoho. Got a free bag, & told mum about it. Mum was somewhat impressed, seeing I was some sort of expert on love la kononnye HAHA.

Oh ohh. Micheal Jackson & Farrah Fawcett passed away. Damn sad really. MJ's case was a shocking one, never expected our world's very own King Of Pop to go so fast. Weird really, you usually don't give a fuck about these celebs, yet when you receive news that they're gone, you can't help but feel a slight twinge of loss.

I had fun though, listening to his songs on Hitz throughout the whole day. I never actually took the time to appreciate what wonderful songs he has.
RIP. <3

2009-06-23T22:30:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Lily Allen - Everything's Just Wonderful

Bende dah lame gle berlaku kot. Yet I can still think about it, & practically feel my heart bleed.

6th May 2009: The day I experienced HELL.

I still have many questions unanswered, many things ignored & done with, just like that. You'd be thinking I should just let it go, since, well, everything is back to normal. But these questions keep bugging me. Why bother really, he's definitely over it, her, well, I don't know how she felt or feels about the whole thing really, but I don't give a fuck, as far as I'm concerned I don't to have anything to do with her anymore, no fucking way. Yet here I am, almost 2 months later, still very upset with it.

Urgh, kekdg rase cam kimak gle kot klu fkir blik. Lg truk drpd mase kene ngan Yon dlu. Cam babi jer.

Can't blame me. Perhaps I'm just being how a normal girlf would be.

2009-06-22T23:56:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Paramore - Stop This Song (Lovesick Melody)

Apparently almost everyone but me got accepted into UiTM. Gosh you stupid goverment so fucking racist wey! Aku separuh cine pun korg nak kire ke? Cam kimak je. Dahlah bg alternative pun msukkan aku kat kolej islam. Pe, korg igt aku ni x ckup Islam ke hah? Cam siot je wey.

& it's not even b'cuz of results. You have people getting one or none As at all getting accepted, & I friggin got 2 As.

But n'way, even if I get also mummy won't let me go. She doesn't want me to go too far, or stay hostel, cuz she's gonna miss me.
Awwww. Haha. I love you la mummy. ;D

2009-06-22T18:31:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - How You Love Me Now

Haven't blogged in a week. Record kot. Haha wtf. N'way, yea, I've been quite lazy to update really. Fer one, last week I was practically sick throughout the whole week, having fever, cough & flu. Xtau la psl cuace ke psl syg dok campak aku dlm laut aritu kan HAHA. Pfft.

N'way, did my public speaking presentation just now. Gosh, I don't even know why the hell I even bothered to memorize, I forgot every single word, & I didn't dare read from my paper HAHAHA lol. Well, somehow crapped, so uh, lantak ar. Changed my topic btw, talked about blogging. Haha.

Oh. May be transferring to tht Baitumal place, depending on how my results will be fer my finals of course. Pfft. Good luck to me being all alim wey. & having to learn Bahasa Arab. Sheesh.

Haven't been in the mood to blog lately. In fact, haven't been in the mood in anything at all. & I've been gaining so much weight it's currently depressing. Shitty really, ever since syg entered college.

Been getting really touchy, he replies my msgs late, & tht's like only a few times, calls me like what, once or twice a day? & he doesn't even classes on yet wey! Xbengang aku. & last Saturday was my 8th month anniversary with syg, & mind you, it sucked hard friggin core. He supposingly was in some bad mood & couldn't even layan me, causing me to turn bitchy too, resulting in both of us not talking the whole day. X bengang lak aku, rase cam kimak jer. Then yesterday he turns up at my hse to take his cap & the wallet I bought for him, & leaves, like 10 minutes later. Yea, so he came, & of course we couldn't get all huggy & kissy in front of my parents, but seriously, would it even kill him to at least hang around for a bit? Pfft.

Gah. Idk really, so many things run through my mind. Every moment he's not texting me or sumthing I get the odd impression tht he's texting some other girl. At night I get the sudden phobia that he's on the phone with some other girl. Nice as it seems whenever he always says he loves me & stuff, I can't help but feel a little scared; can't blame me really, the last time he did that, suddenly say 'I love you' to me every single time he called me, he happened to have another girlf. Pfft. Urgh, doesn't anyone know how much it freaking sucks to feel insecure every single darn time?! I hate it, I swear to God I do. But yet, losing him is 1000000x worse. Gah.

Adoiyai, Casper oii, tolong la syg, sumpah I dah xsanggup ouh nak rase camni tiap2ari. Tolong la wat something yg at least ley tenangkan ati I, ckp la ngan I yg u sumpah u xkan wat pape blkg I lg. Or sumthing like tht, pape jela. Psl u wat satu bende tu je dlu, I dah jd camni. Urgh. I tau u syg I semue, but pls la, I mintak satu je wey, jgn wat pape lg kat blkg I. Tiap2 ari I rase cuak, tau x. Taula u dah x wat pape hal pun skrg, tp, ntah la. Grr. Cam siot je kan bini u ni? Haha. I syg you sgt2 lorr. ):

You know, I've changed so darn much it's getting kinda stupid really. Recently I've been adding like tons of 'super cute' guys in Myspace, just so that I can supposingly flirt & stuff like that, so that just in case anything goes wrong with the boyf & I, I'll have some penganti or some sort wtf. Call me a bitch really. But you wanna know the stupidity of the whole thing? I can't freaking get myself to do it. I even attempted getting this guy to become my scandal but chickened out halfway. Pfft. The old Farah last time could even go as far as liking 10 guys in one shot, I'm sure Mei Xin & Wan Ying would rmbr tht too.

Funny how this dumb thing called love makes people turn cuckoo.
As quoted from the movie 27 Dresses;

Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.

2009-06-15T22:19:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Pink - You & Your Hand

Now I've come to realise tht at uni the lecturers xbiase call me Frh, instead they end up calling me Alia. Ms V, my English lecturer did tht just now, called me to go in front for a presentation. Now tht's the bad thing about being the only Malay there, senang org igt name. Pfft.

Ms Sharon wasn't around fer Public Speaking today, so had this substitute, who let us of after half an hour of class. Haha wtf. So a bunch of us just hung around in class, having Teck Wang & Nicholas directly translating random chinese words into english, making all of us laugh like noone's business. After tht Felicia started imitating out lecturers, again causing none stop laughter. Haha.

Meanwhile, syg registered at KUIS Bangi today. Currently staying at the hostel. Haha. Poor him. Looks like I won't be seeing him often fer now. Funny really, its not like he stays near my house or sumthing, he's still far, but now with the fact tht he's continuing his studies, he seems even more further then usual. Pfft.

Now I feel tht weird empty feeling inside me. I really miss him a lot right now.

You'll know a camwhore when you see one.

2009-06-14T20:07:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Cinema Bizarre - After The Rain

Was browsing Liyana's blog just now, one of my BFF community mmbrs & found these posts. Interesting really, credits to her.(:

Does Your Name Suit You?

A : loves to laugh
B : crazy at times
C : cute
D : smart
E : has beautiful eyes
F : wild and crazy
G : sexy
H : gives good hugs
I : very hot
J : likes someone
K : is very athletic
L : very good kisser
M : easy to fall in love with
N : very trustworthy
O : has the best personality ever.
P : popular with all types of people
Q : has a smile to die for
R : will make a good boyfriend or girlfriend
S : likes someone
T : very opened minded
U : is loved by everyone
V : not judgmental
W : very sexy
X : never lets people tell you what to do
Y : nice butt!
Z : makes dating fun

F : wild and crazy
A : loves to laugh
R : will make a good boyfriend or girlfriend
A : loves to laugh
H : gives good hugs

A : loves to laugh
L : very good kisser
I : very hot
A : loves to laugh

Summary of my name: Bottom line, I do love to laugh HAHA. Yea, in fact I laugh way more than I actually genuinely smile. Wild & crazy? Perhaps. Lmao. Good kisser? Gives good hugs? Ask Amin, he's the only one to enjoy those two privilages HAHAHA. Will make a good girlf? Ask Amin again, how good I am. Lol. Very hot? Mestila. *cough cough* Malaysia kan panas skrg, semue org pun hot kan HAHA. xP

Next.

Facts about a Boy

When a BOY is quiet,
He has nothing to say

When a BOY is not arguing,
He is not in the mood of arguing

When a boy looks at u with eyes full of questions,
He is really confused

When a BOY answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds,
He is actually fine

When a BOY stares at you,
He is either amazed or angry

When a BOY lays in your lap,
He is wishing for you to be his forever

When a BOY calls you everyday,
He is spending a lot of talk time to get your attention

When a BOY sms's u everyday,
He is forwarding them

When a BOY says I love you,
It's not the first time

When a BOY says that he can't live without you,
He has made up his mind that you are his for at least a week.

___________________________________________

Facts about a girl

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday,
She wants to be pampered.

When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it.

When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that

Gosh dah cam dak kecik lak minah ni post bende2 alah ni kat blog HAHA. I 18 already wey wtf. Weirdly, every single thing stated about a girl's exactly what I feel when I do tht particular thing. Well, obviously. I am a girl kan HAHAH. Pfft.

Having this stupid sore throat right now. Maybe b'cuz of the fact tht I swallowed too much seawater yesterday. Pfft. Meanwhile, yet again I forgot what I wanted to post. HAHA.

My current addiction. Somehow la. Slah beli edi, too sour. Haha pfft.

Just now syg called me & told me tht he's going to Kuantan. Started crying, but used my sore throat as a cover up. Lmao. So after the conversation I ended the call & was about to get ready to start crying hysterically, only to have him call me again & say tht he's not going to Kuantan but KUIS. Thx for kenekan-ing me wey. WTF. I'm such a cry baby for an 18 yr old wey HAHA. Pfft. I hate him for loving to make me cry all the time. T_T

Still cheerful?
Perhaps.

2009-06-13T22:55:00.005+08:00

Currently tuning into: Jordin Sparks - One Step At A Time

Had a very tiring day today. Went to one of Amin's relative's house in Seremban fer yet another kenduri kawen. Haha. Pfft. His friends, Faiz, Yus, & Meor came along too, since we all planned to drop by Port Dickson to mandi laut after the wedding.

The wedding was kinda boring really. I barely knew anyone there, unless you count the ones I met during syg's brother's wedding, who were all so busy it was impossible staying with them. Yea, the boyf abandoned me yet again, while I hung around stupidly feeling out of place once again. Pfft. Finally after what felt like the longest one hr of my life wtf, we finally left the place & headed on to Port Dickson.

I always knew the beach was a fun place to be, but after today, wow, it's just totally awesome. Mayb it's the fact tht after so many yrs of going to the beach all I ever did was stand at the seashore cuz mummy won't let me swim; says it's too dangerous. Swt. Today we all practically went into the sea to swim, into the deep part, supposingly deep la. Was my first time, so I spent the first hour or so clinging on to the boyf's neck, when basically I could still touch the bottom surface HAHA. Just swam around, & fooled around laughing together. Everything was fun, except for the part where the boyf started lifting me & throwing me into the water. T_T

After tht went back to the car to change. Well somehow la. Wtf. Mood was hyper & excited really, until the guys, including my own boyf started doing their own sightseeing on girls around the beach. Tht definitely placed a blow to my head, especially seeing my own boyf do tht, mainly b'cuz of the fact tht I was already so darn uncomfortable with myself, & I didn't need anyone else reminding me tht there were so many others girls with hotter bodies out there. Another episode of my insecurity. Ever since the boy'f's brother's wedding I had gained a lot of weight, & right now, I'm having trouble controlling myself again. So yea, at times you just feel like kicking yourself. Pfft.

Otw home everyone dropped dead. Haha. Syg was driving, tht is, until he said he couldn't stand another minute awake. All the boys didn't sleep the previous night. B'cuz of tht, I had to take over the driving. Thank God the road was straight. Haha. Felt better & less panicky than my 1st time with mummy, mayb b'cuz of the fact tht syg didn't start shouting at me at every chance he got. Lol. Instead, all he did was ask me to slow down, everytime I reached 100 or so. Hearing it from a person who drives over 100 ALL the time's just weird. HAHA. N'way, after half an hour or so he took over again, I was losing concentration n'ways due to the increasing number of cars around me.

Now I'm so darn tired I think I'm gonna drop dead now, despite it being only 11.30pm & tht I just ate. & this sore throat makin menjadi2 already, I think I'm falling sick. Pfft.

Nite bbys.
<33

2009-06-11T17:15:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas Ft Tania Doko - Don't Say Goodbye

Drove to U today. Yeap, got my licence done yesterday. Gosh, driving with mummy beside me, I felt like crying, full stop. Having her scream & shout at every chance she got definitely wasn't helping with the panicking I was already feeling. Arrived at UTAR safely though. Wtf.

Finally, after waiting so long.

Frh's 'cheerful face', before she gets screwed up by mummy. Pfft.

Yea, college's fun atm I guess. But the pressure's about to start soon, assignments are being given out right now. Pfft. Breaks are fun though. Us 2 girls, Jolyn & I, & the other guys, Nicolas, Prajiv, Teck Wang, Kwan Hyen & Chun How(sry if I missed any of your names,) spend every break together & sit together in classes. Could call the bunch of us sengal really. Haha. But when it comes to studying, fuh, power suda semue. Except for me la HAHA. Had accs today, Teck Wang became my personal tutor. He's awesome in accs, & I'm starting to love the sub. Maths was okay today, maybe it was b'cuz of the fact tht I actually managed to get 9hrs of sleep last night. Lol.

My official student ID. Everyone had to wear a white blouse/shirt & black blazer. Ngeh.

Oh, the boyf may be going to Kuantan to continue his studies. At Shah Putra, the very place tht girl is. Thinking of him going so far away is already enough to kill me, without the fact of knowing tht she's there too. I mean, well yea, I'm happy tht he wants to continue his studies, at least he could take this chance to make up fer his terrible SPM results which almost gave me a heart attack. Pfft. But, gah. In fact, I was so relieved when he told me he was going to tht college in Bangi; at least he'll be nearer. Well, tht is, until he switched plans. Gosh I feel so selfish. It's fer the best, & I'm bitching.

I made a mental decision to myself, to end our relationship if he really does go to Kuantan. I can't stand facing the worrying feelings & doubts tht even now I'm already feeling. Call me selfish, but I can't stand it anymore. After what happened tht time, I'm already so darn insecure. In fact, I feel so insecure & sensitive every darn second of the day, no matter if he's there or not. Well, let's face reality really, if he does go far away we most probably won't last long anyways. Dok dkat pun dah ley camtu, pe lg jauh2 kan, lg xjd pe la. But, easy to say, hard to do, as always ain't it. I love him so much, you suppose I'd let go tht easily? Hey, don't underestimate me right now.

Something about tht day, a month ago, it killed a part of me. It's like having a virus attack a particular part of me, so tht it can no longer be cured. Every single day now, since tht terrible event, I stay like this, seemingly fine & content on the outside, but numb & still somewhat hurt on the inside. Hah. I wonder how long am I gonna be like this. Process of curing? Bound to take a long while I guess. No words can explain my situation right now, none at all.

Let's put it this way. If you ever see me sitting down quietly, perhaps staring into space or if I'm just not saying a word, you should know the fact tht there's definitely something on my mind. I'm always like that. & mind you, tht happens very frequently nowadays.

Search deep within me.

2009-06-10T00:38:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Flo-rida Ft Wynter - Sugar

Suddenly considering going fer PLKN nx week. Not sure yet though. I really need a break from my current life, so many things pop up at the unexpected times. I need a break from my relationship, from university, from this boring life of mine at home, semue la. Idk why, I just need someplace to escape temporarily.

Gah. This flu is getting to my head. & I hate having sore eyes, it's torturing. I've currently forgotten what I wanted to post. Now there's this terrible pain in my chest. Maybe I've gotten the H1N1 flu & I'm gonna die soon. Sheesh.

Meanwhile, last night some dude called me. Due to me being so blur & groggy from sleep, I assumed it was my boyf & started chit-chatting with him like I always did. Tht is, until I realise tht something xkene. Only minutes after did I actually ask who he was & it turned out to be some dude, Og. Call me blur.

2009-06-08T19:14:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Miley Cyrus - Goodbye

So, after a few days of endless busy-ness here I am, living my life as I do everyday. Pfft.

Thursday, 4th June 2009.

Had classes until 4. Brought all the stuff needed fer the nx few days at syg's hse, so basically I looked as if I went shopping before going fer class. Haha. So, due to a misunderstanding plan between me & syg I ended up having to take the LRT to Setiawangsa, which was my own original plan tht syg didn't want me to do. Lucky me, my classmate Nicholas was gonna catch the train too, though he was heading to Masjid Jamek, so he became my temporary boyf fer tht one hr or so HAHA. Spared me one of his bus tickets to ride the UTAR bus to the station, then helped me buy my ticket. After tht got on the crowded train & got to know another one of my classmates, Prajiv, who was heading to Setiawangsa too. So, the boyf didn't have to worry really, I ended up getting a lot of bodyguards haha.

Arrived at the train station at 6-ish. Met Faiz's girlf, Cuk, who was in the car. After tht went to fetch his sis Intan & his brother's girlf Hidayah. Arrived at his hse & boy, I felt like dying. He had aunties & uncles around & the first thing tht came to my mind was "Shit, what the fuck am I doing here," but n'way, acted cool. The weirdest part was when they asked my name & I said Frh & they'll look at Amin's mum & say "Ohh, so ni la kwn Amin yg (I forgot what they called her haha) cite ari tu eh," causing me to be like wtf once again.

Went to take a shower. Came out & syg told me he wanted to go out fer a while, & told me to hang around. Well, eventually I got pissed, as his "awhile" ended up being 2-3 hrs. Sat quietly in front of the tv while silently cursing him for leaving me at home while he happily went out to lepak. Was on the verge of crying; I felt so alone & left out tht I had half a mind to pack up my stuff & leave. Everyone was busy talking to each other, while I sat there by myself, barely knowing anyone around, & having the closest one to me away. After tht 2-3 hrs syg came home, when I was already busy helping out with the tray fer the akad nikah the nx day. As not surprising, he went out yet again, causing me to diss him silently again. Pfft.

After all tht hung around with Kak Intan & her friends, & kak Hidayah, to put on tht 'inai' thingy fer the groom to be. Decided against putting it on too, since Mummy would most probably start bombarding me with her nagging again if I did. Sheesh. After tht couldn't sleep so hung around in the living room with kak Hidayah. Started talking about each other's boyf, eventually realising tht our boyfs were basically the same, although myself & her were way much different than each other. At around 2am she got sleepy & went to sleep, while I stayed sitting on the sofa waiting fer the boyf, who came home minutes after. Seriously, if we really do get married & he does tht, I'll fucking kill him. Sitting around waiting fer your sweetie to come home's so darn boring you'll feel like crashing your head into a wall. Lolololol. After tht watched movies with him until 5 summat. Skipped the fact tht I hated him for abandoning me, cuz eventually hating him made me want him even more. Pfft.

While waiting.

Friday, 5th June 2009.

Had the akad nikah thingy after Asar prayers at a mosque nearby. Was kinda interesting really, since it was my first time experiencing all this. Had to wear tudung of course, with help from kak Intan & Hidayah. They were so excited in dressing me up you'd be thinking I was the one getting married HAHA. Pfft.

Watching the whole ceremony, you can't help but start thinking a lot. You wonder what's going on in the bride's & groom's minds; how they feel knowing tht1 once they step out of the mosque they're officially a married couple, Insyaallah happy smpi ke kubur la kan wtfff. You feel the happiness really, it sends the blood rushing in your veins. Lols.

According to kak Intan they knew each other last yr. & here they are now, married. Fuhhh. Makes me wonder when I'll get married HAHAHA. Seeing Amin at a distance in the mosque, I started staring at him, & thought about everything. How we had already come this far. 8 months. Looking at him from a distance, I wondered why him. Why is he the one tht makes me feel the way I do, why of all people I could have thought of before, this least unexpected person happens to be the very one to steal my heart. Start thinking about how long we had, to stay together, whether all of this will really end only once one of us dies. Unexpected things happens, who knows kan?

The only pic I took tht day. Got plenty of pics of syg though, he was keeping my phone throughout the whole day. Pfft.

At night 4 of us, Intan, Hidayah, Intan's friend Hafsah & myself got somehow hyper & started fooling around, eventually laughing our heads & asses off lmao. Start fiddling with the baju pengantin, eventually leading to this:

HAHAHA. Guess you get your preview of how I'd look when I get married huh? Wtff.

Yea, kak Intan & Hafsah were fiddling around with the bride's tudung & tiara until suddenly before I could say anything they forced me to sit on the sofa while they wore it on me. After force me to 'senyum ayu' & snap photo. Lmao! After tht they attacked kak Hidayah. Haha. Then suddenly everyone wanted to go out, so I called Amin & asked him to come home, cuz we wanted to go Danau Kota. Lololol. Of course, it was boring. Syg & I sat at a kdai mamak waiting fer the others fer more than an hr, till we both were complaining like mad. Gosh, to spend hrs at a pasar mlm's just bizarre. Haha. Got back at 3 sumthing, & again, while everyone went to sleep I watched movies & bermanja2 with my hubby HAHA wtf. T_T

Saturday, 6th June 2009.

Wedding reception today, bride's side. Had it at Setiawangse hall. Just a normal kenduri really, like always. Ate with syg, Meor & Kechik. & slightly later met Fitrah, Amin's school junior aka pet sis. Again we laughed & joked around while eating & after, as they usually did. Then went back home for our next assignment, making bunga telur.

Borrowed Intan's bju kurung to suit the theme.

Seriously, after seeing more than a thousand eggs, I seriously felt like throwing up. It was scary, not to mention lame & boring, but hey, what was I supposed to expect, it is a wedding after all, & I promised to help. Met another pet sis of syg's, Ain. Put it this way, the moment I saw her I knew she was someone I would really dislike. Of course, my assumptions were really true, the next day of course, but we'll get on to tht later. Syg, as usual, went out, to play snooker. Seriously I felt like slapping him on the spot, when he told me he went to play snooker. If he couldn't bring me out with him I would at least be entirely grateful if he at least stayed with me at home, since I was only there fer the few days. But what would I expect, boys kan. Pfft.

Didn't get to spent time with the boyf at night. The hse was packed, relatives were sharing the living room this time, & he came back so late it would look stupid if I were to sit there in the dark doing nothing. Was pissed again, b'cuz of him going out & not even bothering to tell me he was going out. So I forced myself to sleep. I had been lacking of sleep fer the past few days, mayb it was time I got some rest.

syg's messy room. We girls shared his room, since his was the most spacious one, & there were 6 of us. p/s, u may have realised tht I gained weight based on my pics. Pfft.

Sunday, 7th June 2009. The finale!

Today was the most anticipated day of all. At 7.30 am Umi came into the room shouting "Ey anak2 dara, dah kul brp dah nih?! Bgun siap2!!" HAHA wtf. Heard her waking up Amin over the phone once, ngan aku skali t'bgun, & tht was only over the phone wey! So imagine how loud she was tht morning, like masuk boot camp edi haha wtf. I followed Amin's footsteps, & rolled over & went back to sleep. Haha lol. Well, basically all of us did tht. Swt. Half an hr later got up & washed my face, woke syg up, & went to have breakfast. After tht got ready.

Everything went well basically, I was walking around giving out bunga telur haha. Stood at the hallway saying welcome to people. Felt like working again wey! Haha. Towards the end lepak-lepaked with syg & a bunch of our friends. Oh, & to prove how much my assumptions the previous day were accurate. The moment I saw tht pet sis of Amin's, Ain, I knew tht sort of person very well. Well, why wouldn't I, I could easily be like tht too, if I wanted to. Laughing out loud is normal, but having your hands all over my boyf & leaning on his lap or shoulder's way over the top, especially when the girlf's right beside him. Sbar je la aku kan, xrase cam nak lempang je, kesah la ko adik angkat ke anak angkat pun. But n'way, biar je la, budak mentah, xtau pape lg, fucking let it be then. No drama is worth creating fer someone like tht. You know the word, gedik? Tht hits the spot. I've had my 'gedik' moments too, course I know. Jealousy perhaps? Sori naik lori ar bai. I don't need other girls touching my boyf, go play with someone else; fucking leave mine alone.

Matching clothes! Weee. Haha. The bju kurung's obviously too large for me, I didn't gain tht much weight okay! >.<

syg's cousin.

sis Hidayah. ;)

Everyone basically were so tired after the whole ceremony. Triple dated at the living room wtf. Nana & Faiz, Farah & Anas, & me & syg. Lepak2 fer a while, until eventually syg & Faiz fell asleep. A moment after tht it was Nana's turn. So Farah, Anas, & myself sat chit chatting while I also busied myself maki-ing him. Hoho.

Inila Anas sesat HAHA.

When the most unusual couple sleep.

At night went to catch a late night movie at KLCC with syg, Anas, & Farah. Jgn Pandang Belakang Congkak, a comedy horror movie. Laughed like noone's business. Lol. Got back home at around 3.

Started camwhoring with syg, & this pic was damn random. Snapped as usual, only to look at the pic & realise tht we both did the same facial expression. Haha.

Overall the past few days were great. Syg's relatives were all quite warm & friendly. & how I get introduced, it's funny really. Intan & Umi would try making everything low profile, addressing me as 'kawan Amin' where everyone would obviously catch the meaning, but it sure doesn't help when you have his dad usik-ing me at every chance he gets, asking me at random times where's Amin in front of people or telling people loudly tht I'm 'Amin's girlfriend'. Haha. Duhh. One of his aunties was suggesting getting tags fer me & Hidayah during the wedding, so tht everyone would know whose 'kawan' we were. Ahaha. Lols.

Well, now, everything's back to normal ain't it? Classes, the usual dok kat rumah online, how I'll go online in myspace & see syg online playing dota & get kecil ati b'cuz he can have the time to cmnt other girls but can't seem to spare time to leave me just one single cmnt or msg or wtvr. Life's great ain't it. Gah.

Had to take a pic fer my student id today. Explain the formal bju yea.
Fyi, tht's mum's blouse. She gave it to me to wear to work last time, but unfortunately, I couldn't wear it, b'cuz it was too tight. In fact, I couldn't even button it. Now, it's not only wearable, it's even loose. Was I really tht fat last time? Pfft.

Finally found a topic for my public speaking presentantion. Various reasons why men lie to women. Professional enough? Haha. Good topic really. Explains why syg likes to lie to me all the time. I hate tht. I hate liars. Gosh just stop it, no matter what it's about.
=.=

Will blog more on the topic tmrw. Meanwhile, I need to sleep, it's late. Class at 8 tmrw.

2009-06-03T17:59:00.006+08:00

Currently tuning into: Automatic Panic Ft Dj Cat Nyc - The Sound

Ever since before I started university never in my life did I think I'd actually be at university, lepaking in a group in the corridors. I had always imagined myself sitting alone at some corner wtf. Anti social la kan. Haha. Now I spend my breaks lepaking at some table in the corridors with most of my classmates, & other students, girls & guys alike. Fun really, I feel so at home. Was thinking tht since I'm malay it'd be hard to mix around, but in fact now everyone's approaching me. Haha. University life has never been better.

N'way, had economics lecture this morning. Hmm, not tht bad I guess, a lot of reading needed, so I'm dead. Then lepaked with some friends, Jolyn, John, Ee Kai, Swee Min, & a lot of others. Then we went fer Business Maths. Asked my tutor/lecturer how Business Maths really was, & he said it was like Add Maths, but slightly advanced, causing me to accidently say out loud "Gah, tht's it, I'm changing course after this,". The whole class started laughing at my statement. Wtf. Seriously, otak karat already wey! In our lecture we had to practice doing some function & straight line questions, like in the Spm ones. Serious wey, those two were some of my fave subtopics, & now I got all my formulas mixed up. Pfft. & the lecturer claims us to be smart enough to pass his sub. Sheesh. N'way, I may want to continue my degree in Kampar, Perak. May be far, but it's a nice place really, & most of my friends are going there too.

After lectures went to Sunway fer gym. Damn a lot of people wey! Note to self, never, ever step foot in a shopping mall when it's school holidays. The immature school kiddos make me feel like laughing out loud, sarcastically of course, the idiotic bitches who think they're so darn fuck pretty makes me feel like slapping them, & finally those couples who walk along holding hands & hugging each other make me feel so..single & unloved. Pfft. Idk, mayb it's b'cuz of the fact tht I was so tired I almost fainted.

Sry fer the fugly face, br bgun kan. Here's the shirt I was talking about. Imagine Amin wearing it. Ahaha. Just now got back home from uni & nek perli me wey! Asked if I was going to study or to ngorat. Wtf. Gi U pun kene la nmpk smart kan. Ngahaha. :P

Meanwhile, I got an offer letter from UiTM. Since my request into UiTM itself got rejected, they offered me a spot at some Islamic college under UiTM, Institut Profesional Baitulmal, in KL. Yes, which obviously means tht if I go there I'll have to cover up & 'tutup aurat'. Which is the last thing I'll do, sry to say. Lantak la murah camne kan. I'm just not ready. Pfft. Thank God I'm already in UTAR. Sheesh.

N'way, gotta print out my lecture & tutorial notes & find a topic for my Public Speaking 5-minuite speech in 2 weeks time. Pfft. Laters.

2009-06-03T00:57:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Popular

Day two of university. Started with Public Speaking lecture. As Sharon had warned us at our tutorial previously, her lecture did turn out to be slightly boring. Haha. Gosh it's so cool getting to call your lecturer by only her name HAHA pfft. Then had English tutorial with Mr. Yaw, who starting ranting & complaining about the goverment & their confusing roads & stuff. Haha. Lolx. After that had an half an hr break, so went with a few of my classmates to eat.

After tht had Computer studies, which mind you, was a total bore. Mayb it was b'cuz I was too sleepy, Idk, but basically within 10 minutes I was asleep. Lmao. Didn't hear much, basically it was about assignments & stuff, but I jotted notes down. Only God knows how since I was basically half asleep already. Haha. Oh, lecturer very stingy. Apparently if you misspell her name in your assignments she'll minus 2marks. Wtf wey! Sheesh. & I don't even rmbr her name, it was Ashvini or sumthing like tht HAHA. Oh, & I'm definitely gonna hate this Sub, perhaps even more than Public Speaking. Codes wey! Not just any code, but those involving base 2, base 8, & all those base crap. Fuckkk. I don't need a double dose of xtra hard add maths wey. T_T

Last class was Economics tutorial. Tutor's Ms.Ida, my very first Malay tutor. Thank God I'm not the only one there wtf. N'way, she's a master graduate in Financing from UIA. Oh, & I swore I saw several lovebites on her neck. Xkan lebam kan, kat leher. Ahahah. Dahsyat bnar. Roflmao. N'way, she denda me to answer all the tutorial questions next week, just b'cuz I couldn't rmbr my classmate's names. Or more like I volunteered to do tht. Lol. Can't blame me wey! I always have trouble memorizing Chinese names. Pfft. Meanwhile, everyone rmbr's me, unexpectingly making me the most known one there. Haha wtf.

Oh, forgot to post about this random conversation with my mum a few days back. See, during tht shopping spree of mine I accidently bought two of the same tops, one just nice & another too big fer me. Lol. Soooo:

Frh : Mummy, see this shirt I'm wearing? I accidently bought 2. Xperasan also, when I check back just now got 2. Pfft. & the other's too big fer me. How?
Mummy : *Tgh masak* Huh? Hmm. Dunno. Give Amin la. Tell him to wear it la, you both couple, cute what wear same baju. *laughs*
Frh : Uh, mummy, girl's top, durr. He'll look gay wey HAHAHA wtf! He won't wear it laa.
Mummy : Tell him, that if he loves you wear it, & even if he looks gay you'll still love him.
Frh : *laugh laugh laugh laugh* Others will laugh at him laa mummy! *laughs yet again*
Mummy : Why care about the others? You love him what, tht's all that matters isn't it? So why care about other people?
Frh : Hmm. Guess so. *continues laughing madly again HAHA*

Aww. Mummy's so sweet haha. Ever since tht day when she heard me crying on the phone while arguing with syg only did she realise that I was actually serious about all this. Which explains the efforts in making syg feel like family & her giving advise once in a while on how to change Amin. Haha lol.

& the beat goes on.
;)

2009-06-02T02:24:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Electrosexual Crew - Automatic Panic

Seriously wey, reading all the posts in my tagboard, couldn't help but laugh. When Grace announced I was dead just b'cuz I didn't update my blog, & how some ppl though I really was dead(cough cough Bhai cough HAHA), then when I asked Casper whether he found a calon gf already or not, like a month before he mintak cpl with me. Haha. Wtf. He did inofficially do tht in my tagboard if you noticed but I nvr actually took him seriously. Then tht cmnt from Yon, ayt agk jiwang la wtf HAHA. & how I was supposed to go partying with Bhai. Ape jd wey?! Lol.

I'm still dead disappointed about tht wedding. Even Kak Norlie knew how much I was looking forward to it. Pfft. Meanwhile, mummy's kinda scared, despite her not saying n'thing, I know. She's kinda pissed at the fact tht I'm not even in their family yet, so why go through all the hassle. I'm assuming tht in future if I'd ever get married, she won't be letting go tht easily. Sheesh. Wtffff.

It's 2.30am. I deperately need some sleep. I have to wake up at 6 wey!
Nite lovers.

2009-06-01T17:58:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Medic Droid - Fer Sure

Soo. First day of university was actually nice! Haha. Arrived at 10, but due to a misunderstandiing of the timetable I had class at 12, so had to hang around. Pfft. Xbosan lak aku, dahlah sorg2. N'way, English was taught by Ms Paveena, better known as Miss V(p.s, hot & single wey HAHA ), who uh, well, looks like some Sabahan or Sarawakian to me, ntah. So, not much today, just revised back on the usual stuff like nouns & pronouns & stuff. Had to find a partner in class & introduce tht person, instead of the usual introduce myself crap. University level of course. Haha. Paired up with Ching Yee, from Cheras.

After lecture lepaked around, waiting fer Public Speaking tutorial to start. Made another friend, Sarah, & started talking about National Service. Haha wtf. N'way, class started at 3. The tutor/lecturer, Miss Sharon looked very fierce at first, but after awhile she was really awesome, cracking jokes, those stuff. Public Speaking la kan. Haha. At the end of class we all had to go one by one in front of class, introduce ourselves, & represent ourselves as something. As fer me, I represented myself as a music player. Ngahaha.

Oh, I suck at Public Speaking wey! Yes, I can talk loud & clear, but you'll realise that I'll be looking at the 4 walls & the ceiling around me HAHA. & I already have an assignment right now. I need to prepare a 5-minute speech to present in front of class in two weeks time. Gah. Tlg wey! Pfft.

& yea, about that wedding I was so much looking forward to. By the looks of it I can't go. Mummy allows me to sleep at his hse & stuff, but she's not gonna give the car. Basically, I still need the car, cuz I have to go fer classes, & syg has no car. So yea, the only thing I can do is to not go at all, which fucking sucks. I've been looking forward to this day since what, the 1st time I went to syg's house? Tht was like in freaking December. Xsakit ati aku. Urgh, I feel so crappy right now. All tht stupid preparation fer nothing. Why did I even buy tht baju kurung in the 1st place wey?! Buang duit aku je kot. & I refuse to follow mum back to Kuantan, though basically if I blk I can still lepak with Syukri & Sheeya(don't fucking ask me why I included her), but I rather stay & rot in my room. Pfft. I feel like crying. Haha wtf. T_T

Enabled my tagboard again, so leave your cmnts there yeah! Would love to know who actually reads my blog. Read my old cmnts, I spent a lot of time arguing with syg there, & something bout finding him a girlf HAHA, & there's even a cmnt frm Yon when we fought last time. Ngahaha. All tht I love you crap, gosh we were so immature. Sheesh.

2009-05-31T23:07:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Dj Cat Nyc - Lollipop

I swear to God tht I don't fucking wanna go PLKN. Seriously, I'd rather die than go fer those 3 months, especially not now.

I just don't know why, if you look at it really it's nothing, but duhh, ntah. Maybe it's the fact that I don't want to come home after 3months & find tht everything has changed. Or I just don't wanna be far away from mummy & Amin. Or maybe just..gah! Xtau la akuuuuuu!!! Xkusut lak aku skrg.

So now syg's giving all sorts of opinions fer me to try escape NS. Mummy however says if I really no choice it's best I go fer NS 1st, then only continue studies. However, bottom line, I don't fucking wanna go, it's scary. I'd freaking die there wey! I'd get so homesick I'd stop eating & sleeping completely & eventually DIE wey wtffff. Now I'm wishing I freaking had cancer or heart attack or sumthing. Pfft.

I feel like a 4 yr old kid on her 1st day of preschool. I feel like crying. Gah I'm such a baby. T_T

Meanwhile, I'm starting class tmrw. English. Watch out people, this bitch from London's gonna fucking beat y'all.

2009-05-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - How Do You Love Me Now

So. I'm lpaking in the room & mummy comes in, saying papa's home. Pe lg, turun ah, nak ambik The Star carik name aku kan. Pfft. But as I reach the bottom stairs papa's like "Haa, ko kene gi (the name of the place, i forgot what edi haha), utk PLKN nnt," For a person who rarely talks to me, well yea, heargin tht was like, ehh. WTF. N'way, thank god I already knew, if I had heard it first hand from papa like tht, I would have died of heart attack. T_T

Went back upstairs with the paper, when me & mummy wanted to look fer my name, wohich wasn't hard, fer the fact tht papa actually highlighted my name with my fave color, pink. God I swore I felt like dying wey! Xsakit ati aku. Kjam nye papa hahaha. Then mummy & I got very the ke-poh, & started searching fer our neighbour's name. Ngahahaha.

Sumpah aku fuck PLKN dowh.

2009-05-30T20:06:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Panic Division - Automatic Synthetic

Fucking Gunung Semanggol. Or summat hella crap place like tht, in Perak. Yea ppl, after months of glee in supposingly not being selected fer National Service, here I fucking am, expected to be reporting myself on the 17th of June. Mother F wey! T_T

This afternoon was otw to fetch my brother from tuition. Then suddenly my aunt called mummy & said something to her, causing her to suddenly scream "WHAT?!?!?!" Xk'jut lak aku kan, dahlah tgh drive. Duhh. Didn't know what was going on, until I heard my name, & hear her say tht both mummy & I checked. Well, only one thing came in my mind, & I screamed so loud & braked so abruptly tht if I wasn't careful I could have ended up crashing my car. Pfft. Fer once I actually started really swearing in front of mum, using the F word at every single chance I got. Wtf. Swore all the way to Hero, forgetting the fact this was the 1st time I actually drove up to Alam Megah. You'd be thinking I've already been driving fer yrs wtf.

Fer once, I actually felt like crying. I felt terrible, worse than the very first time I check via sms. In fact, when syg called just now I started tearing. I don't even know why, it's not that bad once you think of it, especially since the boyf said I only have to go fer a week or so since I've already started university, but, gah, the thought of going fer PLKN's dead scary. I mean, what if something happens within tht 1 week or so there?! How if I get raped, or molested, or bullied, or kene food poisoning & possibly DIE?!?! Waaaaaaa. Okay I'm exaggerating wtf.

But it's scary. I mean, during the 1st batch there were cases of food poisoning in all Perak camps; a lot of my friends kene, since almost everyone from my school did their training in Perak. What if that happens again wey?! I don't want to die yet wey! & even if I were to die I wanna die near my loved onessssss WTF. Sheesh. Okay, I'm just exaggerating fer the fun of it. Hoho.

Mummy said she'll come tman me go Perak, & she'll force Amin to come along. Haha. Well, that is, until she was like, "Oh, but Amin continue studies already right then?" I started wailing again.

The Panic Division. I was searching fer some trance song I found in myspace & found a song by them. So pe lg, download je la kan. Mane la tau tu lagu I cari kan. Skali it wasn't, but dang, it was an awesome song, Automatic Synthetic. Their songs are more of less like bands like Tasking Back Sunday & Escape The Fate. Gah. Loveeeee.

Meanwhile, tonight I plan on watching P.S, I Love You again. More crying haha wtf. Mummy scolded me cuz I took all the tissues in her bag(it was the only closest source of tissues near me last night haha). & next week I'm gonna force Amin to watch it with me so tht he'll learn to appreciate me haha lmao. Although I'm sure, he won't watch the movie but will most probably be laughing at me crying throughout the whole movie. Pfft.

2009-05-30T03:52:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Lady Gaga - Poker Face (Automatic Panic Remix)

P.s, i love you.

Finally got myself to watch it. Gosh, this is the very, very first time where I actually cried throughout the whole movie. I practically, literally CRIED, not the stupid tearing up crap. You know, cry, like when I argue with syg & start crying like noone's business? Where you almost use up the whole tissue box? Yea, tht CRY weh! Ok exaggerating too much haha. But seriously, it's true. P.s, I Love You is the best film I've seen in like, forever.

It's romantic, sexy, funny, touching, god, it's all in one wey! Gah gah gahhhh I regret taking so long to watch it wey! Sheesh. P.s, I Love You is definitely a must watch! Cry until my eyes lg bengkak edi haha wtf. It really means alot.

Meanwhile, I need to find a place to sleep fer the night, again.
T_T

2009-05-29T23:30:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: 3oh!3 - Don't Trust Me

Had a loooong day today. Went to Shogun's again, this time with mummy, adik, mama Ping, mama Han, & my own Amin. Haha. Considered it somehow as a b'day special fer Amin & mama Ping, whose b'day's nx Saturday. N'way, arrived at Sunway & went to take a quick shower, while the others went to Padini Concept, & syg was otw from Keramat. 12.30 went into Shogun's, tht is, until syg called, & said he got lost. Obviously I panicked, tht is, until he said he was 'lost' in Sunway. Wtf. Nak kene tampar ngan aku ke ape. Haha. So went to wait fer him in front of Mcd's, when yet again he decided to kenekan me. Called him & told me he was in front of Mcd, exactly where I was. Then he made up all his hoo haa stories & I was bz laughing on the phone, not realising tht he was actually nx to me. Wtfff.

Vainpotbitch.
I loveeee Sunway's washrooms HAHA.

N'way, after eating went shopping! Woohoo. Basically syg decided to date my brother instead so I majok-ed & went to shop till I drop, in a way. Lol. Bought a few tees & a pairs of shoes from Padini, & 2pairs of jeans from Jusco's Voir. All preparations fer university. Hoho. Then went to send syg home. Weirdly my mum had gotten so close to syg you'd suddenly be thinking he's her son & tht we're siblings WTFFF. N'way, mum met with syg's umi, which was apparently very awkward. Haha. Then otw way we got damn sesated we almost ended up going to Ipoh HAHA wtff. Okay I admit, I'm very lazy to blog right now. Ahaha. Sry kiddos. ;P

Aah. Met Boy at Sunway. One of my myspace friends actually, which I met through Nad & Bell. N'way, he was cucuking money from the ATM machine nx to where syg & I were when he kept on looking at me. After a few moments where we both started looking at each other & look away when the other was looking(haha wtf) I started laughing at him & went to say hello.

It was kinda awkward really, not to mention slightly guilty, mainly b'cuz of the fact tht I was really, really close to him last yr, until I got together with Casper tht is. After being with Casper I had decided to stop contacting any other guy, which unfortunately included him. So eventually we fell apart. Although we were so close, we had nvr became an item, despite both being single at the time. N'way, from the way he looked at me, I knew straightaway tht he was thinking of what happened last time. Some mini fling we had. Ngeh3. N'way, tht's all old news, I'm already over it, & he should be too, so yea.

I loveee black, the only way to look slim. T_T

Two more days till class starts. Gah. Hope I'll still have time to update then. Later ppl. <3

2009-05-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: No Doubt - Don't Speak

Today, the 29th of May 2009, is my baby boo's b'day!! Weee. Bby boo? HAHA wtf. My sweetie's officially a yr older, nineteen to be exact. Happy b'day syg! I love you so fucking much, not even words can explain.

Wanted to celebrate with him, but gah, so many things in the way. & basically he doesn't care cuz apparently he nvr does celebrate his b'day & doesn't seem to understand why it's somehow so important fer me wanting to celebrate his b'day with him. It's not everyday you get to celebrate your boyf's b'day is it? In fact, the last time I attempted doing tht I ended up breaking up with him. Pfft. But n'way, it's his special day, he's your special one, so yea, get what I mean.

N'way, he dropped by a while ago. All the way from Keramat to Subang just to send an wedding invitation letter. Haha. X ke bangang balak aku nih. Was expecting him to at least stay for a while, well, tht is, until he left ten minutes later. Sheesh. Brought all his friends, Meor, Faiz, & another whom I don't recognize. The first thing tht came to my mind was like yea, they're so going to MOS. Clubbing, tht's basically the only reason tht makes sense. All the way to Subang to send an invitation letter? I so don't think so. But n'way, wtvr, it's his b'day, he can go ahead, if he'd rather celebrate with his friends than with me. Gosh I'm such an ungrateful bitch HAHA. Joking. xP

Seriously Idc, really. The only reason I don't like him going is b'cuz I'm scared really. You know, like Rihanna's song Hatin' On The Club? Yea, tht's what I mean. Haha. The thought of having my boyf go to a club to check girls out or to have other girls checking him out is like so, fucked-up. I so don't need all that cuz it's so overrated, & basically if I was there I'd screw those fucktards up. Wtf. N'way, it's just the same as why he doesn't want me to go; the wild people & stuff, yea.

N'way, enough about that. So, at 5 this morning I went to sleep on the sofa, due to me not having my room. Pfft. At 6 mum woke me up & told me to sleep in her bed. So I went, & at the same time syg called. Couldn't talk much really; so you'd understand why I was so pissed about not having my room. So after a short conversation we both went to sleep, with our phones next to each other, as we always did. Well, that is, until 10 minutes later nek came into my room to wake me up & told me to go semayang Subuh. Haha. After muttering yes several times I rolled around & went back to sleep, while at the same time the phone line putus. Cheh kuang aja nye cucu. Haha. Summore before the line putus syg started yawning & moaning. Fyi, I had loudspeaker on as always HAHA. Xtau la nek dgr ke xkan. N'way, I know I mmg kantoi tht I have a boyf cuz I left my necklace on my dresser in my room, so obviously, nek saw it. Lol.

After that I slept on & off until 3pm. Haha. Wasn't used to sleeping in tht bed. The only comfort to me was that I had my teddy bear with me, & tht syg slept there last time, when mummy asked him to sleep at our hse. Haha what a sucker I am. Pfft. Idk why, but fer some reason tht teddy bear tht syg gave to me is always a comfort to me. When I can't sleep I'd hold tht bear & eventually I'll fall asleep, when I'm crying hard I'll hug tht bear & somehow feel calmer & better, when I'm bored I'll look at it & think back of the happy moments I had with syg & start laughing. Idk, mayb it's the fact tht it's from him? Which has gotten me thinking, what if we're done one day? Okay okay, thinking too far. Sheesh.

teddy!
haha cam dak kecik je ;P

Last night found some pics of my kitty Thomas, when he was a kitten. Gosh, I started crying. I miss tht my little baby so so much. Found Thomas behind our house when he was barely a day old, last yr. His eyes wern't even open & he was crying out in hunger. God bless. So we kept him until he was 9 months, until the day he fell sick & left us. Sobs. All the other cats loved him so much. & he was the only cat we had that actually showed love & affection back, maybe b'cuz of the fact tht we were the only family in his life. Told mummy about it while she was cooking. Even mummy started crying. We all still can't believe he's gone. It's such a shame, he was an angel. Even posting about him right now's making me cry.

The one on the right, next to Lucky.
Gah I miss you so much baby. )':

Oh, watched 27 dresses last night. Was thinking it was some movie on fashion only to find out tht it's mainly about marriage. 1st its Bride Wars now 27 Dresses. What's with the marriage movies wey? Haha. Seriously, fyi, this girl here's the very one who had sworn to never get married & have kids. Well, tht is, until she became an item with Casper. Pfft.

N'way, 27 dresses is about this woman who's a wedding planner or sumthing like tht, & is always the bridesmaid at a wedding. Then in the movie she had to plan her demanding sister's wedding with a man she had loved so much. & the usual stoyline comes out, you meet someone you dislike & in one way or another in end up realising tht tht's the exact guy you're in love with. Haha. Ntah la, tgk la cite tu sendiri, besh wooo, romantic. Especially when they started making out in the car..fuhh, menyanggapkan seyh HAHAHA. Jkjk. But there's this scene tht I really love. As quoted from the movie, a kiss tells how exactly your feelings are, or sumthing like tht la. The leading actress kissed the guy she thought she loved & felt nothing. But when she kissed the guy she supposingly hated, wow, sparks were everywhere. Haha. It's true really, a kiss does tell a lot. You can tell if tht person's kissing you sincerely, or just fer fun, well, tht is if you're not blindly kissing like there's no tmrw la. Haha. Tht's the best part about kissing, you get to show your affection fer your loved one. Actions do speak louder than words. ;)

Than there's that line in Bride Wars tht I found amusing too. Apparently, marriage is the beginning of our life. Before marriage, we are all dead. So basically, if you die without marriage, you die dead. Wtf.

I found this interesting. (:

2009-05-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Pitbull - Blanco

So, finally I passed my driver's test. Woohoo! Haha. Had my test at like 4pm, due to some stupid new system. & I happened to have arrived there at almost 10. Pfft. N'way, one of the driving instructors, Abg Wan, brought those from the 3rd section(the ones taking the test in the afternoon) to Batu Caves to practice. Praticed with Fiona & Nari, my korean friend, studying in Taylors. N'way, practice was flawless, as it always was, though somehow I always screwed up in the test. Lol.

Had my test at almost 4pm. Things were definitely not going well fer me; I was so darn sleepy since I only had one hr of sleep the previous night, & well, the heat was getting to my head. But n'way, to start things, the slope. Did badly fer my 1st attempt. The tyre was like only less than 30% in wey! Sheesh. Panicked obviously, was scared tht they would skip giving me a second chance & ask me to get out of the car. However, got more than what I thought would be in store fer me. The last thing I expected was for the JPJ officer to look at my test slip & then at me & shout "Laaa bkan amoy eh?" & ask me to go down to slope, which was what happened. Wtf. She didn't even give much of a glance at the fact tht I wasn't even 50% on the line & just asked me to continue onwards, passing me. Call me lucky? Ehh.
Oh fyi, she looked kinda like kak Intan, the boyf's sis HAHA.

So, with tht huge smile on my face I went down to take my test slip & drove to the parking & 3point turn section, while reading all sorts of prayers & somewhat molesting the steering HAHA. N'way, had to wait fer a while; long queue. Lol. While waiting the abgs of SKEM(the name of the place) decided to kaco me. One came to the left side of my car & another to the right, one with a face yg cam nak mkn org, & another with the I-want-to-rogol-you-face HAHAHA. Pfft. N'way, both started staring at me, & despite how uncomfortable I was, wat bodo suda. Eventually, the one on the right was suddenly like "Haa, kan sy igt lg, awk Melayu kan?" & we both started laughing. The one on the left however lmbt pick up, until he saw my test slip & said "Ehh, bkn amoy eh?", then both of them started discussing about me wtf. Basically all the male staff there knew me, I've been there so many times & initially they had mistaken me for being Japanese HAHA.

N'way, after what felt like ages finally it was my turn. Parked in the position I was supposed to park & went to give my test slip to the officer in charge. P.s, he was darn cute, but possibly married too HAHA wtf. Melepas suda hahaha. Seriously wey, he's fucking smart dohh. Okay Farah stop it sheesh. So, did my parking as carefully & as fast as possible, since my spot was like a mini slope, & if I was not careful I would be making poles drop like bowling pins. Haha. Surprisingly, I got through it, & did my 3 point turn, which surprisingly, I passed too! Gosh, once I turned out of the 3 point turn area I practically screamed "Oh-emm-gee," as I went to park my car at the slope area. Came out of the car with this huge smile on my face, & with the urge of wanting to scream out in joy & cry, as the SKEM staff standing there all smiled at me; finally I had passed. Haha.

Went to collect my test slip, & to sign it. Went up to tht abg cute (HAHAHOHOWTFF) & got so overexcited he was like "saba la dik!" while laughing himself. Haha. The other officer however asked me if my mum was Chinese & I said yea. So yea, practically me passing my test made up for everything. Nari failed again though. ):

Meanwhile, nek decided to somehow drop by our hse to sleep for the night. Came to KL from Kota Bahru fer a few days. Just now had trouble getting her to sleep in Papa's room; she insisted on sharing my room with me. Haa, aku, nak share blik? Dgn mlm2 aku gayut phone lg, jgn nak hrap la sape2 nak share blik ngan aku, lantak la ko mak ke bapak ke moyang ke. Apart from the boyf, I'm not sharing my room with anyone wey. WTF. *Cough cough* N'way, my point is, uh, well, there's no point actually. Swt. Nasib baik satu mlm je dohh. Brought my teddy bear with me, plan on staying up all night watching movies on my laptop. Sheesh. Call me sicko man. Fyi, tht teddy bear's a must to have around! I can't sleep without it. :|

Ohh. You know tht film I talked about, Bride Wars? I want my future husband to be like Kate Hudson's husband-to-be in the movie. He called her a sexy smurf when she had blue hair HAHA. Damn sweet+cute wey! & when they were buying their engagement rings. Gah jeles jeles haha.

2009-05-26T21:18:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Goodbye To You

Had registration at UTAR today. Seriously, everything seemed better than I thought it was. The seniors were really friendly & nice (not to mention cuteeee HOHOHO) & well, it was just basically nice I guess. Can't believe I'm officially a student there now. & class starts nx week! Gah. Oh, & I'm not the only malay there. Yeay!

Having my driving test tmrw. Gosh I dead hope I'll pass it wey! Okay my blogposts are starting to sound so lame I don't see any point in blogging any longer. Wait, actually I forgot what I wanted to post. Pfft.

Oh, I think it's currently horny mosquito season. I've been having mosquitoes bite my leg all day, & some attempting to bite my ass. If I get denggi soon, sorry Casper fer stealing your 'hasrat'. Wtf.

Camwhore.
;P

2009-05-24T16:13:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Belanova - Rosa Pastel

Last night went to Kayu Nasi Kandar, Taipan, to have dinner with one of my uncles. Only been there once, with Nad & Bell after taking our Spm results. N'way, when my uncle & his wife saw me they were like, "Wow, Farah's slimmer & prettier now," (in Chinese) HAHA bangge dowh wtfffff. N'way, my uncle gave me Rm50! Weeeeeee Farah suda tidak pokai hohoho. Then some guy came selling pirated Dvds so adik & I bought some. Masyarakat yg xloyal wey wtff. Bought Angels & Demons & Bride Wars fer myself while adik bought Dragonball Evolution & Fast & Furious 4, which is currently in my possession since F&F4 is one hella cunted movie, & Vin Diesel is like omg, fucking gorgeous. & I don't go gaga over some actor easily ok! Haha.

So n'way, got back at almost 12 & watched Bride Wars. Trust me, it's a real nice movie, very funny & quite touching, you guys should really watch it. After that watched F&F4, for the second time after watching it at the cinemas. Gosh, fer someone like me who doesn't watch action movies, tht movies a hit wey! Speed definitely turns me on.

Tonight gonna watch Angels & Demons. Kinda reluctant to watch it alone, since apparently its very gruesome, but n'ways. Hoho.

Sry if my blogpost seems lame, I kinda forgot how to post a decent blog. Besides, this stabbing pain in my upper abdomen's distracting me.
Mayb I'm gonna die soon.
:|

2009-05-23T14:36:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hujan - Aku Scandal

Please tell me it's normal. To keep on thinking about a guy you once loved after meeting him for the first time, after all that. Pfft. Cam xbtol je. Bende dah lame gle kot berlalu.

It's kinda amusing though, after all that hatred I felt last yr, meeting him was basically nothing, like nothing ever happened, & I can still find it fun hanging out with him. Gah gah gah. Bodo tol la.

Those feeling's never entirely die do they?

Meet the plain me.

2009-05-23T03:04:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Paramore - Here We Go Again

Some Random Facts About Farah Alia.

- I can be very patient in situations but at the same time I tend to complain about it a whole darn lot.

- If you know me very well, you'd realise that I rarely smile. I laugh a lot, but if you observe me closely, you'll realise that I don't really smile much.

- I usually let my thoughts overshadow me; tht's why I end up feeling so fucked up at times. But the happy thoughts & memories are the ones that keep me sane.

- I worry too much about so many things. B'cuz of that, life tends to be more of a sad case fer me than a happy one.

- I don't cry easily. I only cry when I really can't stand things anymore or if I've kept enough inside of me.

- It takes a whole lot for me to start crying in front of someone, no matter how close a person can be; that includes my family. So if you ever hear or see me crying, you'd know that I've been pushed over the limit.

- When I'm bored, or fed up, or sick with life, I start camwhoring. I wrap up all my emotions & throw them into the picture.

- When I've had enough pain emotionally/mentally, I tend to do self injury; not b'cuz I want to kill or harm myself, but only b'cuz physical pain is much more easier to handle than emotional pain.

- I can give very good advise, but when it comes to my own problems, I tend to do the opposite of what I advise others.

- I get all worked up when I see a girl way prettier than me, I feel sick when I see sweet couples around, I feel crappy when others have so much money to spend. Bottom line, I get jealous very, very easily.

- I always feel very insecure. So insecure that at times I get too immature.

- I prefer to be controlled in a relationship. Not entirely controlled in every single thing of course. Fer example, I prefer the boyf to tell me to not text other guys, or not do certain things, or go certain places (only if what he's disallowing me to do makes sense of course.) It makes me feel more secure; makes me feel like that person really does care about me, & doesn't want to lose me. However, I'll expect him to not do the same things too.

- I hate it when guys cheat(who doesn't really). I hate it when the person I love goes behind my back or goes looking fer other girls; it makes me feel as if I'm 100% unperfect & that there's nothing good about me at all. Another reason to why I'd feel insecure. I prefer him to be committed to only me; I want him to be only mine & noone else's, just as I am only his.

- Listening to music is my all-time passion. No matter where I am, what mood I am in, music soothes & calms me to the core. In other words, music = best friend. <33

- I don't really have friends. I may have many online friends, but when it comes to hanging out & stuff, I don't really have any. Perhaps its the fact that I'm not really that socialized.

- B'cuz of the fact that I don't have many close friends, I seem to feel like I only have my boyf left. Without him, I'll feel alone.

- I really wanna learn how to play the guitar. & sing to myself whenever I'm bored or down. Yet I've never actually gotten myself to buy a guitar & practice.

- After many experiences, I've come to realise that the people I usually love the most are the ones I usually have no feelings for at the beginning. Or maybe I just don't realise that the feelings were already there.

- I don't appreciate compliments. No matter how nice it sounds when someone says you're cute or pretty or summat, I feel that it's not neccessary, cuz let's face reality: I'm not all that. Call me dumb, but anyway.

- I could be a very wild person, just under tight control. Under normal circumstances I would be the average girl that would go clubbing every night, wearing the sexiest clothes & drinking & smoking her ass off. & perhaps the one that would go out & most probably not come back home fer a few days. However, with a loving family & boyf, I've been kept under control. & b'cuz of that, I now have my own ability to control myself & not go over the edge.

- I yearn to be loved. So desperately that feeling unloved makes me feel as if there's no use living any longer. Well, only if I happen to love that person back too.

- I hate hurting others. I rather hurt my own self than others. If I unintentionally hurt others I always try my best to set things right, even if my actions may hurt that person even more at first.

- I don't like giving up. I refuse to be second best, especially when I'm initially first, & I'd do anything to get back my spot. (Funny how I don't seem to apply that in studies.)

- I forgive, very easily. But I never ever forget. I'll make sure that there is revenge, even if it doesn't come from me. I may be nice, but once I start to be mean, I can be deadly. That's why I stick to the quote, that what goes around must come back around.

- I can be very selfish. I don't like sharing, no matter in what situation. I may share once in a while, but very seldom. So imagine how fucked up I felt when I had to share my boyf. It's not easy for a selfish person to start sharing.

- Some people don't see me as Chinese, they actually end up thinking that I'm Japanese. Haha.

- My one & only wish fer my whole lifetime: to go back to London, just once more. Fer holiday, or to study, anything basically, as long as I get to go there once again. I wanna go back to my birthplace & visit the places I used to visit when I was young. Highbury Park, London Zoo, Chessington's, every single damn place. & I wanna meet Rj, Aunt Marie, Uncle June, & Felipe. I miss them so much, they were like my second family when I was growing up in London. I also wanna find my old schoolmates, though they may not remember me anymore.

- My main focus on life is always love. In my opinion, without love you can never be whole. Why, with our parent's love are we even existing right now. That's why, I seek love, welcome love, & appreciate & cherish love. I want to explore the depths & meanings of love, to know about life much more.

- I do believe in God, although I may not practice the practices I'm required to do as a Muslim. I am aware of the powers that He has, & the signs he leaves around to help you, no matter in what situation.

A few random facts. Did it during these past few days. Haha. I'll add more when I get some in my head. Lol.

Oh, read my previous blogposts just now, since I cpl with Casper. The funniest part was how I wrote this random blogpost about him, not knowing that in 5 days time he would be my boyf. Another funny part was where I was telling my readers why I was single fer 5months, not knowing that in days I'd be having the most unexpected person as my boyf.

Amusing really, how I was so in love (course I still am,), how scared I got when we got into a random fight over basically nothing, how I posted my thoughts on how much I feared losing him. Weird really, how my worst fears came true. Scary thinking that while I was posting some of those blogposts, there were really things going on behind my back, in reality. God, if life is like this, I'm don't want to live. It's too scary to face. I swear to God, life is so sooo scary, it's like attempting to jump off a very high cliff when you don't want to die yet. :|

If y'all feel like it, & y'all really have nothing to do, maybe you might wanna check out my blogposts since October 2008, right until now. Hahaha. I know I had fun reading it. Maybe cuz it's obviously about my own life la wtf. It may be a nuisance seeing me post about Casper like in every single post, but trust me, being in my place, you'd find a whole lot of emotions reading them back in the future. N'way, links to my previous blogposts are on the right, if you haven't noticed by now. -->>

(:

2009-05-22T19:52:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Celine Dion - All By Myself

Went to UTAR PJ just now with mummy. The place was hard to find wey! Surrounded by factories & stuff, mummy had second thoughts on me going there. Gah. I'm dreading entering U right now; apparently I'm gonna be the only Malay there. Pfft. & mummy's scared tht I'll be crushed by the pressure there; Chinese are very, very competitive. Help!!! Gah gah gah. T_T

Weirdly, fer once I have no mood to blog. Haha. Mayb some other time.

Oh ppl, your assumptions are all wrong. I don't go clubbing, & I've never been clubbing to be exact. I still find it weird how so many people assume that I'm the type to go clubbing every night, or sumthing like tht. Maybe in future I may try to go clubbing, but fer now, my club virginity's still intact.
;)

2009-05-21T22:46:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Akon - Hypnotized

Was browsing Bell's blog just now, & curik this:

If a girl cries in front of you,
it means that she couldn’t take it anymore.
If you take her hand,
she would stay with you for the rest of your life.
If you let her go,
she couldn’t go back to being herself anymore.

A girl wont cry easily,
except in front of the person who she love the most,
she becomes weak.

Ngahaha. So the boyf wants to laugh at me fer crying almost all the time? With reasons la obviously bukan skit2 nangis skit2 nangis la duhh. Swt.

N'way, this morning at 7 had mummy bang on my door, & threw the car keys in my face, shouting at me to go sort out the car, tht died halfway while she was going to fetch adik to school. N'way, it was 7am, so you could imagine how blur I was. N'way, after taking the keys I went to get my jacket & went outside. Seeing no Kancil I assumed mummy sent it to the workshop, so I went back up & landed once again on my bed to go back to sleep. Well, tht is, until I realised that I was holding the car keys. HAHAHA wtf. & I stupidly assumed tht the car was at the workshop la. Abis kete tu xyah pkai kunci la kan. Duhh. So n'way, went out again & saw the car at the end of the road. So with my messy hair, blur face, jacket & shorts I walked to the car. Haha. The car could start obviously, so I drove it back. Apparently it only died once you attempted to on the aircon.

So. Getting all panicky I called the boyf. Why, only God knows cuz basically, it wasn't as if he'll actually wake up & answer his phone. Pfft. Basically I was panicking b'cuz everytime syg drove the car there was always a problem with it the nx day. Pdhal aku tgk bwk cam biase je. Ok, so maybe a bit too fast, but other than tht, nothing really. Lol. But since I drove the car & the problem must have been something to do with the aircon, I knew it wasn't his fault; even mummy knew the air con was faulty. So yea, nasib baik doh t'lps. Sheesh.

Oh. The other night some guy called Tatie added me in Ym. After chatting he asked fer my number, & I gave it (don't fucking ask me why wey, Idfk.) However tht night I didn't reply his msgs since some other guy called me & shortly after tht I did super savers with my boyf. After tht I didn't really layan him. Haha. N'way, just now he added me in Myspace. Found it weird for the fact tht initially he told me he had no myspace, & yet here he was. The stupid part about all this was tht he had no idea tht I am tht girl he was chatting with tht night. He got confused when I asked him why is it tht he has myspace when he told me tht he doesn't. Mayb it's the fact tht I use a different pic in Ym. Lol.

N'way, in his page there was a cute pic of him with his girlf. Only then did I realise tht he probably told me he didn't have a myspace b'cuz he wanted to hide the fact tht he has a girlf. Urgh. You know, those are the exact guys tht I hate. But who am I to say anything, my own boyf did tht, hide the fact tht I still exist in his life, to other girls. *cough cough* Wtvr, leave the past.

N'way, let's get to the point. Tht guy's cute, & when I say cute, I mean fucking cute. This time last yr I'd probably have jumped in joy in having such a cute hottie call or text me at night. Yet, I felt nothing. In fact, I didn't reply his msgs after tht night, claiming I had not credit, when basically I have like what, rm20? Pfft. See how much I've actually changed within this yr.

Oh, I hate period cramps. You boys have no idea just how fucking lucky y'all are.

2009-05-20T23:18:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Kat Deluna Ft Lil Wayne - Unstoppable

So. Amin sygs & Yon just went home. Yes, Yon as in my ex scandal. This was the first time meeting him. Pfft.

N'way, was expecting syg to come, we were supposed to go out to get my baju kurung. But I didn't even know tht he arrived, until mummy called me to come down, Amin was here with a friend. So there syg walked in, grinning cheekily while I asked him why he didn't call or text. You could only imagine how surprised I was to see his friend walk in. Despite never meeting Yon I could rmbr his face from his pics as well as ever. Was slightly shocked, never in a million years did I ever expect syg to bring Yon to my hse, not after knowing what had happened between us. But hey, what do you know, he's actually quite a nice guy, I really had fun hanging with him.

Mummy asked me whether I knew this friend of Amin's & I admitted that last year I had had a crush on Yon. It's a good thing I didn't tell her that these were the two idiots involved in tht so-called accident last yr tht had made me cry so badly. Xkene lak dorg nnt kan. Sheesh. Which reminds me, I actually surprised my own self when I confessed to my mother that I had had a crush on some guy HAHA. Never done tht wey! Shows how close I've gotten to my mum recently.

So, went to Masjid India to look for my baju kurung. Was really hard to find, tht silver baju kurung of mine, but somehow ended with one, a silver-gray coloured baju kurung with red flowers, credits to syg who chose it. Rm 35 only wey! Okay, not so good quality kain wtf, but still very, very cheap. Mum got heart attack seeing it, & scolded Amin; said I was 18, not 81(apparently it looked too old fashioned fer me HAHA). But n'way, since Amin said it was ok, tembak je la. Lol.

After that went to Petronas near my house to have dinner at Kfc. Then came home & lepaked at my house, listening to mummy rant on & on about dirty politics while I did a mini facial for Amin & Yon pretended to listen & watch tv, when really he was on the way to falling asleep. Ahaha. Oh, syg just told me he arrived at Keramat. & he left my house like what, less than half an hour ago? Mengalahkan rempit kot. & I told him to bwk moto slowly & asked Yon to watch him. Wtfff.

Oh, refrained myself from checking his phone throughout the whole day. Much as I may have forgiven him for the past things he did, I definitely did not forget, & I obviously still don't trust him. Maybe I'm starting to trust him a little again now, but there's still a long way to go. Didn't see the point of checking his phone; cause if I found anything I would the one in the end feeling fucked-up, & this time I definitely wouldn't have kept quiet, I would have started screaming at him on the spot, & once tht happens, I can assure you that it would not be a pretty sight.

He's grown up enough, he should know what is right & what is wrong, I'm sure that myspace blogpost of mine has said enough, both for him & for me. He should know by now on how to make the right choices. Klu nak sgt curang lg, jgn menyesal nnt. If he really meant every word he said in tht text msg last night, he better watch his steps, cuz at this point I'm already at, if he puts another toe out of line after this, I won't hesitate to leave, no matter how painful it will be.

I just realised that this was the very first time ever where we spent our anniversary together, even if it was just a random outing. In these 7 months we've nvr actually met on an anniversary day. Haha.

Meanwhile, the bestie Nad gets bitchy whenever I talk about my boyf. Apparently she still thinks I'm stupid to continue on after all this. Seriously, she should understand, to never judge a situation cuz basically, you'll nvr know how it's really like unless you put yourself in tht person's shoes. So, aku xkisah. Lantak ar ko nak fkir aku ni bodo camne pun kan, hidup aku nye sendiri, xde sape2 ley control, selain aku, xde sape ley mengubah hidup aku, melainkan aku nak mengubahkannye sendiri. Klu t'luke aku tanggung la sendiri, pengalaman sendiri kan. But as my bestie I seriously hoped you could at least be my shoulder to cry on. Pape je la. I'm already used to being all by myself when I'm sad & down.

See why I don't give a fuck anymore? B'cuz the more I think the more my own head feels like cracking, not anyone else's. Tht's why the best way is to not bother at all.
(:

2009-05-20T01:25:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Love Story

7 months bby!

Hoho. Now who would have thought that I would make it in time fer another month? Me of course. Haha wtff. Syg sent me the sweetest text msg evurrr half an hour ago. Just reading it made me tear up with laughter & joy. Tangisan terharu la kononnye HAHA. & I don't tear up from msgs easily okeh! Haha. Gah. Seven months wey. I still find it hard to digest the fact that we've already been together fer so long. All those up & downs, happiness & disapointment, yet, here we are.

I knew that I had chosen the right person when he asked me to be his girlf on the 20th of October 2008, at 4am. Despite not realising I already had feelings fer him then, despite giving up on relationships & ending up being single fer 4 months before him, despite every little detail I may have missed out then, I knew that from that moment I had made the right choice. I didn't come this far fer nothing you know. (:

I love you so goddamn fucking much Casper.
♥♥♥

2009-05-19T19:13:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Disturbia

Gah. Fuck la. Was hoping to settle my license tmrw, only to be texted by my driving agency, saying that they can't do the test tmrw. By the looks of it it may be next week, & basically that would make me really packed. Tuesday, registration. Was hoping to maybe somehow get syg to sleepover tht night since basically he would be the one accompanying me there. But well, if the test's on Wednesday, no chance huh?

So much for celebrating his b'day nx Friday. I obviously won't ask him to come all the way here, it's his b'day, he shouldn't go through the trouble. I'll just catch a train or bus or sumthing; I don't fucking care, I'm not missing him on his b'day fer nothing. Nnt pndi2 la blk. He's done tht all the time, now's my turn.

Gah. I wonder why is it that I'm so jinxed with getting my license. Mum's saying it's me, but if it is then how can you explain tht time when I was guaranteed to pass (don't ask me how)? I could have easily gotten my license then, if only tht stupid idiot didn't wrongly fail me. Mainly I'm worried something will go wrong again nx week, & if tht happens, I swear I'd really feel like killing myself. I mean, even now everyone including me's worried about how I'd be getting to classes nx month. The initial plan was for me to drive, but with so little time to practice, tht is if I even get my licence nx week, no one's gonna trust me with driving alone, & tht obviously includes myself; I'm slightly too cowardly in driving to be honest.

For the first week I wouldn't be so worried, since syg's around & I would have to stay at his hse n'way fer the week, but what about the weeks to come?! Hopefully I'll be able to practice driving around within tht short period of time. Pfft. Kusut sial. Instead of thinking so much, I'd just wait for time. Sheesh.

Now, you people see? Why I wanted to delete my blog? This was the reason. Skit2 blog, x ke bangang aku ni haha.
T_T

2009-05-19T02:51:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Shakira - La Tortura

So. After what, 2-3 days of deleting my blog. Just b'cuz the boyf said he actually enjoyed reading it & I, thinking back, did post quite a few nice memorable posts here, decided to restore it back. Haha.

Why I deleted my blog? The other day I got pissed at basically nothing, again involving my boyf. & straight away I started blogging, until halfway tht is, I got kinda lost at what I actually wanted to post. It suddenly occured to me that I was too dependent on this blog of mine, until every single little emotion I had I would start blogging. It's not wrong really, but it felt like a bad obsession, somehow.

Maybe it was the guilt I felt dissing my boyf here fer the past few weeks. People make mistakes, so why do I have to make him look like the biggest loser on Earth? He's not all bad, if he was I wouldn't be with him in the 1st place. I guess I didn't have anyone to let out to, & ended up letting out in my blog, & maybe exaggerate abit. Ntahla, nak explain pun xtau nak explain camne. =.=

N'way, the day was good actually. I spent the whole day being joyful & full of laughter. Decided to really push the bad emotions aside & just enjoy a day in my life fer once. I had finally gotten sick of feeling so selfless, so insecure. Just decided to not give a fuck of what was going on around me. For once, it worked. I laughed at the most random things & kept a smile on my face the whole day. I guess I tortured myself thinking negative thoughts & stuff, which was why I nvr really recovered. N'way, as a closure to these negative thoughts, I actually posted a blogpost in my Myspace blog, & sealed it with a smile. Yeap, that exactly how I want things to be right now. I don't want to try so hard & end up disapointing myself. But n'way, instead of elaborating, go look it up yourself. (:

Okay, so I watched the Love Guru last night. Haha. Slightly dirty, but darn funny, & there was really a lot tht you could learn. Yes, coming from a Mike Myers movie, seems impossible really. Haha. But the movie made sense. It is true in fact, that if you can't learn how to love yourself first, you can never love another. It's a nice movie, do watch it. (:

Oh. You guys ever wondered, why I named my blog True Love Lies?

Well, I first created this blog, in 2006. Being the typical 15-yr old, I was your average girl who was always crushing on some guy & stuff. I was known by friends to be the girl to fall in love fast. Mainly 'true love lies' came to my head cuz generally, I had the opinion that in every single person, lies the ability to truly love another, no matter how bad or heartless the person could be. There you go, true love lies. ;)

Today, ask me why & I'll give you a whole new reason. After so many experiences, in a way you know. Why True Love Lies? B'cuz love is complicating. No matter how true, how deep, how strong love seems to be, there are always lies beneath the surface. But within the lies, true love will still remain, & will always remain. Xmsuk akal? Haha. Twist & turn the words around, & apply them in my situation, maybe you'll somehow get what I mean. (:

1 more day. <33

2009-05-16T22:23:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Katy Perry - Ur So Gay

Oh. Didn't mention anything about the subs tht have been selected fer me once I start U did I? It was written on my receipt or bill or wtvr you call it. Yes, even before I register they already have the bill ready fer you to pay up haha wtf. Typical Chinese la kan, although with high standards money is always needed. Pfft. No racist offence or something here, cuz if y'all haven't realised I happen to be almost 80% chinese so yea. Sheesh.

So, 1st there's English. Not much prob fer me there, cuz after all English is my all-time fave sub, so yea, easy kot. Then there's Principles of Economics & Introduction To Accounting, where I'm gonna be so dead since I know nuts about those two subs & only God knows until now why the hell I stupidly chose to enter Science class in Form 4 HAHA. =.=

Apparently mummy & Wan Ying said tht Econs can be quite easy, once you get to know the graphs & stuff. Uh, yea, graphs. Even the word itself made me sink, so don't talk about it getting easy wey. Pfft. N'way, after tht there's Computer Studies, which I may most probably have no prob with. But of course, there was one sub written on the bill tht made my heart really sink. Public Speaking & Communication.

Haha. Uh, okayyy. I thought tht sub was only meant fer those planning to take Mass Com; only did I realise tht if you were in business, you would obviously have to talk too wtf. Seriously, even in Form 5 I would break a sweat when doing my Oral. Which reminds me, I was almost always nvr ready & supposingly did it 'spontaneously'. Well, tht is, until I start crapping in front of the class HAHAHA. Pfft. N'way, thinking back on when I was working, my social skills wasn't tht bad really; customers actually liked & complimented the way I communicated with them, so yea, hopefully I'll do good. Then lastly there's Maths for Business & Social Science, where I have a feeling tht it won't be about calculating numbers. Pfft. Apart from tht there's Pengajian Malaysia, Bahasa Kebangsaan & Pengajian Islam, the 3 compulsory subs I have to take. So there's like 9 subs altogether. Pfft.

It's abit too sudden really, so many things happening at once. I really don't know if I'm more nervous or scared or even happy about entering U. It's scary thinking tht no, this is no longer school, & how things will be so much tougher. & I'm wondering how bad or good I'll end up doing, especially after not studying fer so long, cuz basically, I was nvr the studious type, & no matter how much I say now tht I'll concentrate on studies only, I'm wondering just how long I can concentrate before I start to go lepaking or clubbing at night HAHA sheesh. But wtvr it is, I'm really hoping tht life as a university student will be interesting fer me.

Oh, & the boyf won't have to worry about me 'curang-ing' on him (as if he would even care wtf) & mummy won't have to worry about me fooling around & not studying cuz basically, come to think of it, the students there are 95% chinese, & I've nvr, ever been attracted to Chinese guys, no matter how cute they are & I nvr seem to get along well with a lot of Chinese ppl, apart from ppl like Mei Xin, Wan Ying, & Sophia. But n'way, who cares, Frh's there to study okeh!

Study la sgt.
-.-

Oh, I just rmbred. It's Teacher's Day! Ahaha dah kul brp dah skrg br nak igt. Still rmbr last yr's celebrations, hilarious wey. Funny how you finished school & all this things tht seemed so fun then can be forgotten now.

2009-05-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Panic! At The Disco - Northern Downpour

So. I go to the pasar malam nearby my house, with intentions to look for my baju kurung to wear for the wedding, only to go home with nothing but a ciplak Swatch watch costing rm10 only HAHA. Mum always complained bout me not wearing a watch, so there you go. Hoho.

Gah, half a month left, & I can't find my baju kurung anywhere. Apparently it's hard to find a plain coloured baju kurung nowadays, unless u buy the kain & sew it yourself. Kain pun aku xjumpe. Pfft. Mum got me excited by telling me she had a plain one, only to say in the end tht is was pink & kinda too small for me. Sheesh. T_T

So yea, if any if you all actually know wear I can find a plain silver coloured baju kurung, please contact me! Oh, if you're somehow plan on telling me there's one on display at some shop in Mydin please don't bother, aku dah tgk, tu baju pengantin kot. Aku bkn nak kawen la skrg. =.=

Gah. My ass & legs feel as if they're about to drop off soon. Sakit gle babi sial! Even my arms also wat hal, despite the fact tht I didn't really do weights today, I think. Wtf. I need a massage. Waaa.

2009-05-15T17:44:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Hatin' On The Club

Just now at gym went fer cycling class. God, after months of not going, it felt like hell. The burning in my thighs was more than enough to bear. Felt like screaming my lungs out yet no sound came out. & Bryan just had to do jumps & tht stupid Ting Ting song today, knowing tht I haven't been cycling for like what, half a yr? Pfft.

& you should seriously salute those on The Biggest Loser; they must have enormous will to actually exercise like that. & I go to gym almost 5 times a week & can't even stand half an hour in a spinning class. Wtff. N'way, despite all tht, hard work paid off. I've already lost 7kg within 2 weeks! OK, mainly that was b'cuz I didn't eat fer the past few days b'cuz I was still so sakit ati but n'way.

Don't tell me tht's unhealthy, I do exercise so I consider tht healthy enough eventhough I try my best to not eat at all nowadays. & even if one day I'd drop down & faint or summat I'll still consider that good since I've already lost some weight with it. Call my crazy, but I'm aiming to drop at least another 8-9kg before Abg Boy & Kak Norlie's wedding. That is, if nothing happens between me & Amin before the wedding day. Sheesh.

Yea, me & Amin. I've decided to cut the crap of confronting him & starting a fight that I always lose to. I'm sick of fighting all the time, cuz basically him being the person he is, wouldn't give a fuck, & I'll be the one in the end being sober & fucked-up. So yea, shutting my mouth up is better I guess.

I've currently learnt to not give a fuck about what he wants to do, cuz the more I bitch about it the more I myself seem to be jeopardizing our already ruined relationship. I'm already too tired of thinking he's with some other girl, or doing things tht I don't like, stuff like tht. I'm tired of waiting for his text msgs or calls tht will nvr come n'way. So yea, I don't give a fuck right now, it's up to him on whether he wants to even contact me, or doesn't want to, or anything la, janji bahagia hidup die.

So. Yea. Now all I'm concentrating on is losing tht xtra 8-9kgs by end of this month, even if I had to die to do it I'll make sure it happens, & nothing else. I wanna start a new life as a new person once I step into college. Oh, don't ever ask what my current weight is, boyf or bestie or whoever; I'll fucking shoot you. =.=

Which reminds me. Later I wanna go fer a jog. I consumed so many calories just now I might as well commit suicide. Join me? Haha. ;P

2009-05-13T20:12:00.002+08:00

Do I really have a problem?
Or well, what exactly, other than tht?

God, I'm so confused, I can barely tell what's right or wrong right now.

I know I have issues, but I'm sure it can't be all me.
Again, only time can tell.
& I'm hoping it will tell fast, cuz I'm running out of patience.

2009-05-13T02:48:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Homecoming

Now. Here's one thing to truly make my day. Or night in this case wtf.

I got in! Yeay! Gah. I was so damn scared tht I'll be rejected, since I applied so late, but omg, here it is, exactly what I was waiting for! :D

Soooo. Looks like my thoughts may come true after all. Accept for tht renting a place part la. Wtf.

Now's the very one time I can safely & genuinely say I'm happy. Though, I would be so much happier if I got to share my happiness with Amin. Who, obviously, didn't reply my msg. Pfft.

God, shut up Farah. Someone shoot me.

2009-05-13T01:33:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: 1st Ladi - Never Be Replaced

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced
Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced

I love you,
Yes I do.
I'll be with you as long as you want me to,
Until the end of time.
From the day I met you I knew we'd be together.
And now I know I want to be with you forever, I wanna marry you and I want to have
your kids.
Thinking can never compare to the feeling of your kisses.

I can say I'm truly happy till this day.
You make me thank god that I live my life every day.
Theres never been a doubt in my mind that I'd regret ever having you by my side.
But if the day comes that I have to let you go
I think there's something I should probably let you know,
Enjoyed everday that I spent with you and I will miss you cause I'm happy that I had
you at all.

Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced
Baby I love you and I'll never let you go
But if I have to boy I think that you should know
All the love we make can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced

I feel for you yes I do
I'll be with you as long as you want me to
Until the end of time.

This song still sends tingles all over my body. I rmbr when Amin & I first started dating, & how he'd force me to sing this song to him before I go to school. Haha. Well, only then did I find out that he recorded me singing & kept it in his phone. Pfft.

God, so many things, & I still wonder why everything had to end up this way. Okay, I'm so starting again. Someone's got to shoot me in the head with a gun soon.

Now I understand why a relationship must have trust. Without trust, nothing goes, no matter how much you even love that person.

2009-05-12T01:28:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Forever The Sickest Kids - Phone Call

Something about this cmnt above made me wanna cry. Haha. Bkan sbb sdih la ngok. Tp ntah, cam nak nangis lak lpas bce wtf. Oh, tht's Ramzy btw, Amin's friend, tht I got to know in myspace, through Amin of course. Lepaked with him a few times, quite a nice guy.

N'way, it's already halfway through May wey! Damn fast. Yet it does feel like a loooong time since I finished school. Pfft. Really hoping to get accepted in UTAR nx month. & if I am accepted, I wanna rent an apartment nearby there, if mummy approves. Not tht expensive really, less than rm800 can get already, 2bedrooms & 1bathroom. Tht's if it's still available la. Can rent a room actually, but I prefer to have my own privacy, & have friends over at times, like Amin or Nad. Weee. Haha. Duhh aku ni ckp cam byk duit lak HAHA sheesh.

N'way, I've already planned. Before I start studies I'm gonna get mummy & papa to buy me new clothes (university, like hello! tiap2 ari mesti kene nmpk smart kan HAHA), & I'm gonna convince them that it will be too a hassle to ulang alik from PJ, b'cuz of the jam, & that they should just let me rent a place & gimme the car to transport myself. HAHAHA celake nye anak. Wtff. N'way, the car I know is confirmed, since obviously I'll be needing transport. She was a bit fussy though, I've been attempting to get my license fer the past few months & kept on failing with dignity hahahohoheheheeee. Blame stupid William la! Guarantee pass my fucking foot wey! Wat malu aku lg byk ade la. Duhhh. Sheesh, die gak kene. Ahaha.

Oh, & this morning I hinted syg to send me to U next time, since my nx jpj test might be on the 20th(on my anniversary wey wtf!) & if I do succeed in getting my license then there won't be enough time fer me to practice, since class starts on the 1st. Again, tht is, if I get accepted into UTAR. Pfft. So, while I was trying to make it seem as long & complicating as possible, unfortunately for me syg got the point & was like "Ni nak I jd driver la nih?!" WAHAHAHA. What's he complaining wey! I bg kete gune lak tuhh. (Psst, only for the 1st few weeks la, after tht he can go main jauh2 HAHAHA jaht nye bini tol daaa,) Lol jkjk.

Okay, I'm getting overexcited. In the first place, I don't even know yet whether I'm accepted, & tht stupid license. Gah, I'm so jinxed in getting it wey! All my practices are flawless, I wasn't nervous during the last exam, yet the stupid tiang decided to ruin my day. Pfffftt. Kaco daun man.

I had in mind a b'day surprise fer syg, whose b'day's on the 29th. However, thx to him asking whether I was planning anything fer his b'day its no longer a surprise.

Yea ppl, I was planning to buy a b'day cake fer him & drive all the way to Keramat, without telling him anything. Gosh for a coward like me, wanting to drive all the way to Keramat is somehow insane. Haha. But a few days back Amin pndi2 ask me whether I had any plans like us going out to eat or summat & told me tht he wanted to go Melaka (or ajk me go Melaka, something like tht la, xigt daa). So yea, now I'm figuring out something else to plan. Haha.

N'way, better get going, it's 3am & I need to sleep. Haha. Nite loves. <33

2009-05-11T13:02:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Dj Tiesto - Traffic

So. To continue from last night, due to listening to the way-too-loud-music with my headphones, I had trouble going to sleep. The thumping of trance continued thumping at my head, despite not listening to it anymore. My head felt heavy, & I spent the next few hours rolling around on my bed, feeling cold, & the next feverish, & the next cold again. & in the morning my head was so heavy that I woke up & started getting all menggelabah, thinking it was already 3 when it was only 9am HAHA.

God, if this is somehow how clubbing is, I just can't imagine how ppl can add drugs & alcohol to it. The music is enough of a killa. But seriously speaking, if no one controlled me, that would be exactly how I would have turned out, kaki clubbing, most probably getting drunk every other night. Face reality ppl, but I'm basically a wild person & only b'cuz of my family & boyf & loved ones can I remain decent.

Guess I've found a way to cure my headaches, to cure the aching heart I've been having this past few weeks. You'd be thinking I'm mental, effect dah camtu nak wat lg. But trust me, that pain is nothing, nothing compared to the heartache I felt. NOTHING. I can't cry out any longer, I'm already out of tears from crying so much this past week. My head's gone all numb, I can no longer think, just b'cuz I've gone to the point where thinking is useless.

Although everything's more or less back to normal, I'm not. Definitely not the same person I was. All the past events have taken a toll on me, & I'm no longer myself. I can't trust anyone anymore, not even my own self. I feel so heartless. Yet I can only blame myself for making things so complicating. But, I chose all this myself, I had choices, so I'll just move ahead, & hope fer the best.

There's no use blaming yourself fer mistakes you make, or others for mistakes they make. Everyone makes mistakes, they should just learn to let it go & start over, make a better beginning. Why make yourself feel crappier. Yes, it's stupid hearing that from someone as gone case as me really.

Honestly, I'm sick & tired of you ppl saying that I'm so strong, all this happening & I sacrifice so much just for a loved one. I'm sick & tired of ppl saying all this proves just how much I love him. Pfft, as if I don't know how much I love him, as if I don't know how much it had costed for me to sacrifice my own happiness. If those are what you call compliments, I'd rather not have them at all. If I had to go through all that just to receive compliments like that, I don't want those compliments at all. Please don't tell me to be patient, to 'bersabar', it hurts me even more. I don't need anyone's sympathy, I don't want anyone's sympathy.

But despite all this, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for every single thing I have right now. I'm grateful I still have him here by me, despite everything that happened, despite the emotional torture I have to endure just to have him back. I've never been more grateful in my whole life than right now. Maybe this whole event was an eye-opener fer me. I always took things fer granted, & after almost losing the one thing I love the most, I realised how so many things that may seem to stay forever may eventually leave, if you're not careful in keeping them. Guess I had to learn all this the hard way.

So, who am I to complain really. Everything happens for a reason, no matter if it's good or bad. The aim is to find out why, & learn. Now, I can only pray & hope to God that in future nothing like this will happen again. Really, once is enough. Which is why, after this post, I'm closing this chapter of my life, & starting over. No more sadness, no more pain, nothing. From now onwards, I'll work hard to keep this relationship happy & sane, right until the moment comes where nothing can be really done, & the only solution is to end everything.

For once ever since May started, I can finally say I am okay. (:

2009-05-11T03:58:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Cascada - Wouldn't It Be Good

There. On top is two sound clips, as some might have known, of me. Haha wtff. Yea, I was fiddling with my phone yesterday afternoon & sebgai hasilnye, bende2 alah kat ats tu la HAHA. So, feel free to maki2 la yerk wtf. =.=

N'way, both those songs are sung by our very own Malaysia's local artist, Yuna. Fyi I'm not stealing or summat ni bende bodo yg diwat semate2 utk wat korg glak hahahohohehe ayt pun xbtol WTF. Lmao. One's called Missing Star & the other's a part of Here By Me. Just listen & kutuk laa, mlas nak explain byk2. (:

So, it's 4 in the morning (gwen stefani wtf) & i'm just gonna go up to bed. Crack my head on how to post the clips, since the websites I usually go to were so darn slow. But after much persuading from Syukri, who went as far as to make me open a myspace music page just so he can put my voice on his pg wth, there you go. Haha. Enjoy laughing bbys. (:

Just now I got into a very weird mood of mine by doing things quite crazy fer my level right now. Started playing status2 in ms with Syukri, as we always do when both of us are fucked up (haha), when eventually by the end of the night I ended up having to play status changing with four ppl; Syukri, his new gf Yatie, my own boyf & his friend Haikal. Wthhh. Dahlah bende alah tu sesuai utk 2 org je kan. Haha. Xpning lak aku kan.

At the same time I spent the past few hours listening to trance, blasting it to the max (fyi I was using headphones). So yea, it's a wonder I can still hear. Haha lol. Apart from that I sent cmnts to more than 10 ppl & ended up having to chat with all of them. So yea, imagine how bz I was haha.

N'way, I'm exhausted. Cmnts on my suare sumbang can be sent through myspace cmnts, facebook cmnts, ym, msn, pape je la. Haha. Niteee my babys. <33

2009-05-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hinder - Without You

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ^not ready to let you leave.

All those couples that go on for years. I wonder how they get through their problems. Menipu bsar la kan klu ckp sde prob lgsg. & those who break up after years together. I wonder how they manage it. If it were me I'd just gulp down a whole bottle of clorox or something & be done with it. T_T

Alright, here I am, draining myself with those stupid thoughts again. God, someone please, please help me out of this misery. I seriously can't take it anymore, I just feel like jumping off a cliff or something. Yet, what confuses me the most is, there's nothing wrong atm really. I still have him, there's no other girl (supposingly la kan), he's still talking to me (in a way la), yet why do I feel so shitty?? Gahh. Someone's gonna have to refrain me bfore I end up doing stupid stuff again. Pfft.

Ten more days till my 7th month anniversary. Under normal circumstances I'd be really excited, eventhough I won't be celebrating anything as usual, but now, is it even neccessary counting the days any longer? For god sakes will he even rmbr it anyway? Gah. Even knowing he's still with me isn't helping anymore. I just want him right here with me at this moment, hugging & kissing me & telling me that he is still here by me, that the events these few days are forever over & done with, & there's only two of us, just as it had always been.

Everything seems so close yet so far away. It was only last week we spent a few days together, 4 whole solid days to be exact, yet after all this it seems like years since I last saw him. I guess I'll be feeling this way right until I see him again, though only God knows when.

My worst fear; losing loved ones. It only seemed like a phrase, not until I really experienced it. After almost losing Amin, I feel scared of everything. I'm scared of life, scared of the future, I'm even scared of myself. Sheesh.

N'way, enough about me seriously, it's Mother's Day wey!

Happy Mother's Day mummy! I've never shown enough gratitude for these 17 yrs of my life to prove just how much you mean to me. I've done so many things in the previous yrs tht have upsetted you, yet you took care of me & here I am, the person I am right now, eventhough still a useless git HAHA.

All these yrs I would hate you whenever you yell or scold me, yet now I know you did all that b'cuz you love me. I feel touched when you tell Nad & Saleh & Amin that really I'm a good girl compared to many teenagers of this generation nowadays, eventhough you know I've done a lot of bad things in the past. Despite all that, you nvr pushed me away, & still tried you best to make me as useful as a person should be. I don't know really how to put everything into words, but yet, I'm sure you know what I mean. (:

I'd never ever forget the day I brought Amin home to meet you. The very 1st boyf I brought home! Haha. I nvr expected you to approve of him, to be so open & sporting about me having a boyf. I still thank you for teaching me how to be a good girlf, for teaching me how to take care of him, just b'cuz you know how much I love him. Like that night, when I didn't dare come home b'cuz papa was home early (lol!). Under normal circumstances, I expected you to say tht I shall nvr meet him again. I was so scared & upset that night. Yet I felt a rush of a whole lot of gratitude when all you did was scold us & even let him stay at home! Haha. I'm grateful that you were so concerned when I fought with Amin over the phone tht night, though I'm sorry I didn't explain, I didn't know how to. I feel very grateful of the support you gave me & Amin, & how much you accepted him, this is one thing I will never ever forget. You were so understanding, you even showed me how to advise Amin to build him into a good future husband! Ahaha.

I've been with you whenever you're happy, whenever you're sad. It hurts when I see you cry, when I see you so so sad. I'm glad that with just my presence I lessen the pain that you felt. I'm grateful fer all the advise you gave. A lot of your advise helps me grow up. I enjoy the laughter we share, no matter what we're laughing about. I feel so protected whenever you hug me when I cry, when I'm sad. Eventhough I rarely come to you for help, it feels comforting knowing you're always around.

I love you so so much mummy, I just don't know how to express it. Ever since I finished school, & spent more time at home, only do I realise just how much you mean to me. You showed me the horrors in this world & taught me how to protect myself. You are always there to catch me if I fall. From now onwards, all I can do is be the person that you've always wanted me to be. Successful in studies & life, be able to get a good future husband, have my own happy family. Thanks fer giving birth to me mummy. I love you. (:

2009-05-09T20:18:00.004+08:00

Currently tuning into: Ne-yo - Mad

UTAR, UNISEL, UNITAR. Got acceptance letters from all, except fer UTAR. My acceptance will be confirmed by next week I guess. & I've planned really. If I don't get accepted into UTAR, I'll register into Sunway University College & do my A-Levels there. & then hopefully, continue my studies in London. According to mummy those born there usually get discount in studying there. So, might as well try my luck right? Tht is, klu msuk Sunway la kan.

My mind's finally numb from thinking. That's why today I did the last thing I wanted to ever do, which was leave Amin. I didn't want to feel as if I was forcing him through all this, & it's seemed like the best solution really. But in the end, he insisted nothing was wrong, so yea, we're still together. Wtf.

It seemed so easy, calmly sending a text, no tears, no sadness, nothing. But after that, well, steady shaking, trembling, & silent tears was enough to explain the whole situation I guess. I guess I overestimate at times how strong I am. I sure have a whole lot to learn about myself.

Life's too short really to think too much, even more so when nothing really happens, even if you think. It's not like after a whole lot of thinking the problems magically go away or something. There's just a whole lot more things more important in life. Guess I just needed peace, to somehow think straight.

Oh. I'm finally eating again, after almost 3-4 days of basically not eating. If I'm not careful the 5kg I lost is gonna come back with another xtra 10kg HAHA. Pfft. Xmati lak aku. Tht's it. Tmrw I'm gonna refrain myself from eating again. T_T

& thanks to those that follow my blog. I didn't realise I had so many followers. Haha. ;)

2009-05-05T23:17:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Flyleaf - Justice & Mercy

God. I found all my answers. & Idk whether I should feel relieved, glad, angry, sick, or what.

I've been in the exact same situation as her before. God is great. I understand now what tht dream of Yon meant. All the signs. Everything. God is seriously great.

Everything makes sense now.

2009-05-05T20:12:00.002+08:00

Since you're not gonna give me direct answers, I'd find them myself, & learn fer myself the whole truth. Even if I have to snoop around like a fucking nosy idiot I'd do it, just to know what I really should after this.

Me, selfish? I'll fucking show you how selfish I can become. I, make you feel like shit? We'll see just how shitty we both can make each other feel. Dead bitchy I am doing all this, at least I won't be kept in the dark, & I'll know exactly what's the next step. You could have made everything so easy, but you didn't, & I'd just have to go the hard way to find those stupid answers. This is one side of me no one fucking knows, not even myself.

One down, one more to go. Well, fer now tht is. I can't believe I'm fucking doing this shit. But hey, the clues came to me, I just had to make use of them. This is God's way of helping me, no other excuse. At least after this I know where loyalty lies, & whether all of this is a fucking lie or not.

Noone, nothing's ever pushed me to this limit. Only heavens know what made me become so unlike me. I'm hating it, but if the only way to find truth, I might as well go through it.

Oh, don't question me on this, any of you. Kthxbai.

2009-05-04T23:14:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Yellowcard - Only One

So. Just now Saleh & Nad came to my hse to lepak2. Haha. N'way, I asked Saleh's opinion, on what I was going through. & fortunately for me, he understood every single feeling I was going through. Eventhough I couldn't explain how I felt in words, he answered it all for me. I poured out everything I felt to them, eventually feeling so much better. & suddenly in the middle of the conversation we came to the topic of the definition of "couple". You see, both of them haven't officially declared themselves a couple, though I'd have to say, they make a cute one too. Haha. N'way, Saleh asked why it was so important to everyone about this couple2 thing. So, we all started cracking our heads on the topic. What exactly is the definition of couple? I mean, as long as you love one another, is it really tht important? But n'way, who am I to say anything really.

Oh, after that mum gave us a lecture on further studies & stuff. She still pressed on the fact tht if Amin doesn't settle his studies soon, I might as well say goodbye to him. Gah. Sob Sob. Someone help me. I'm still too upset really, even without this matter.

2009-05-04T09:45:00.003+08:00

Urgh. I keep on saying that I understand & I know & I don't want to give a fuck la kononnye but I don't even know what I'm supposingly so understanding about. AAH! Lantak arr. Sumpah gle babi mlas nak fkir lg doe. Dah pnat dah otak aku. Sumpah doe, aku xnak fkir lg laaa. Tolong la aku wey. I b'than brp ari cam ni lg, xmeletup lak aku kan.

Pe la masalah aku skrg, aku pun xtau. Aku sakit hati psl pe pun aku xtau. Yg penting, rase agk cam kimak arr. Xsanggup doe rase camni. Cam fuck up gle. X terase cam nak mati lak aku kan.

2009-05-03T14:07:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Escape The Fate - Ashley

Your Relationship is Still Building Strength

You're relationship is fairly strong, but you're still working on making things solid.
Make sure you're both treating each other with kindness and respect, even when things aren't going well.

Your relationship isn't in danger, but it could be if a crisis hits. You need more strength to get through the bad times.
Remember what attracted you to each other, and try to bring some of that fire back. It's not too late!

How Strong is Your Relationship?

Dreamt about Yon last night. It's been awhile since I last thought of him. Then I thought back of what happened between me & him, & only did I realise that my situation now was more or less like last time, though now I'm in a different position, & my situation now is far, far better & less serious than tht time.

Now I honestly know how his gf felt when she personally confronted me last time & asked me if I really loved Yon or not. It must have been a blow to her head to hear some girl confessing tht she loved her own boyf. It sure was a blow to my head too knowing someone I 'loved' was still with his so-called ex-gf. Though I swear till this very day I nvr knew then tht he still had a gf, which still makes him proven guilty wtf. & I'm in a bitch fit b'cuz syg made some stupid new acc with only one girl, & has tht very girl's pic as his laptop wallpaper. For the fact tht she doesn't even know I exist & probably doesn't give a damn about anything related to me whatsoever. & coincidently she's in my friends list. Okay, I'm so babbling. Pfft. N'way, forget the old times.

So, I'm moving on with what happened. Forget it. It's just some stupid test from God I suppose. To help me control my own emotions & not let them overthrow me. These few days I was emotionally battling myself, not over some stupid things the boyf did. Okay, so I forgot how exactly I wanted to post this HAHAHAHA. Sheesh. Nx time I should type out what's in my head before doing someting else. Kan dah lupe. Pfft. OK, I'm babbling again.

Idk how to put everything in words, but something about last night's dream of Yon was comforting, it feels like this huge burden is lifted off me. Eventhough the dream was really random.

Anyway, since the more i post the more I confuse myself & my readers WTF..I'll just post pics of this KLCC & UTAR outing.

Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman, better known as UTAR, in Setapak, KL.
I already look like a university student haha.
For once I actually miss studying.
:|

Filling the forms was quite a bore really. Had to shade in the details, like those SPM objective papers. Haha. Nad & Amin got so bored eventually they started fooling around. Lol.

At night, as Anas & Nad were making fun of the matter, Amin yet had the same problem of having no transport going home. Haha. Fortunately for us, we have our own solutions. Hahaha. ;)

Yesterday went out again, this time with Amin, Anas, & his ex, Farah. Same name wey! Haha. N'way, went to Sunway to watch Wolferine. Saw Isma there, one of my long time myspace friends whom I had nvr met. First time jumpe wey! Haha. N'way, he recognized me from a distance while I was buying tickets with Amin & waved, so I waved back.

2009-05-02T01:28:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Offspring - Kristy Are You Doing Okay

29th April 2009.

Syg came today, wanted to bring me to another softball match, this time though, he was playing instead of coaching. But due to shortage of players the game was cancelled. Pfft. N'way, at night went back to his house, to hang out with his family, as usual.

So, after a few events which I shall not post here & a whole day of me bottling up my emotions, I started shouting at him otw home. Don't even ask, up until now I'm still fucking pissed at what he did, despite the explanations & stuff, & despite how normal I seem now. Some friends are like "Gosh you should so dump him, how could you trust him again," & Nad's like "Die mmg syg ko laa..blablayadayada.." & yet no one fucking knows how I feel, even right now, after everything's supposingly over & done with.

Physically I'm fine, but I'm emotionally drained, full stop. I'm tired of thinking so much, I'm so darn sick of seeing those images in my head; I just feeling like dropping dead & perhaps nvr wake up again.

Basically, it was not tht bad a crime, which is why I gave it a second chance. Although, it made me trust him less, & I mean wayyy less compared to before, & perhaps nothing currently would gain back the trust I had. & these feelings won't be changing for a long while. It's not easy loving a person, yet feel afraid that he'll just toy around with your feelings, & end up hurting you. It's not easy wanting him to be with you every single second, yet want to push him away b'cuz of what he did. Now I spent my time gazing into space & ask why, why do all this to me, & attempt to cover up certain things, & act like everything's okay. At this point I'm at, nothing anyone, even him say or do can comfort me. I feel stupid, weak. Perhaps if it happens again after this all I could say to myself is 'serve you right'.

Okay, so basically noone would understand what I'm posting about; but anyway, I'm just letting out a little of the pain I'm feeling, since I don't even know myself why I feel so fucked up really. T_T

30th April 2009.

Went out again with syg, with an addition of Nad. Wanted to go to UTAR, to settle my application stuff, then to KLCC, to meet some of syg's ex-classmates. Otw I broke down & started crying, I finally pushed the limit of keeping everything inside me.

Haven't been to KLCC in yrs, I barely rmbr actually when was the last time I went there. N'way, took a walk at the park. Parking; fucking 8 ringgit fer less than 3hrs. Pfft.

A lot of pics really, but I'm not up to blogging much actually right now. Mayb tmrw.
<33

2009-04-29T01:31:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Yuna - Dan Sebenarnya

So many couples that have been together for a looong time, even up until years end up breaking up. Gosh it's scary. Eventhough I have no problems so far with Amin it's scary thinking of that possibility.
:|

I'm gonna call UTAR up tmrw & ask if their intake fer May's still open or not. I dead hope it is, b'cuz I want to go there to study & get myself a place there to stay. Full stop. I would love to stay on my own, even if it's just fer a while. I've been saying that fer the past few years, & yes I'm still saying it now. I wanna experience life living without parents fer once. & college life's the best opportunity.

Oh, & I'm also hoping that I get rejected to go to UiTM. Much as I want to study far, my 'far' is within Slgr, thank you very much. I'm not going out of the state for nothing.

2009-04-27T02:36:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Candles

Proof that syg added me.

Ngahahaha.
I add you sbb u cute la eh syg?
HOHOHO.

N'way, I so fucking bored it's way beyond words. Oh, & I'm craving fer chocolate & Ben & Jerry's wtff. ):

Dah nak kul 3 pg, what u expect? xD

So, my pics are starting to be like my old ones, where I look nothing like how I really am. Xpe la, skali skale kot. Pfft. But I feel so..fake wtff.

2009-04-25T03:48:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - 6 Months

Loving a person, who ever said it was easy? It never was, yet it can also be the best experience to feel. Currently discussing it right now on YM, with Syukri, one of my best friends online. Talking about some girl he loves very very much, yet tht girl doesn't love him back. Eventhough all his sentences were incomplete, I completed them for him flawlessly. B'cuz I know, how it is to love a person.

You don't just love a person by telling them that you love them everyday. You need to feel, to give & take in the game of love. I understood Syukri fully. I know how it feels to love a person so much, yet feel as if they didn't love us back, or worse, know tht they don't love us back. I know how depressing it is when they betray your trust, how you get so angry yet you just let it go, b'cuz you don't ever want to lose tht person.

Loving a person was never easy, yet if you know how to play through the game it can be the best experience ever.

Now, back to comforting dear old Syukri. Lol.

2009-04-24T20:21:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - Candles

Got bored & started tampering with the software I persuaded Syukri to give me. HOHO. So, let these pics do the talking. (:

Last night syg came on and..

So I read his status, said wtf, laughed, &..

Then suddenly this unknown dude IM-ed me &..

After talking bout loving cats (wtfff) I decided to push it &..

Ngahaha. Tp lps tu ley lak die..

Meanwhile I continued my debate with some lesbian on how much my boyf really loved me & ignored this 'datuk k kawen lari', who right until this moment I have no idea who he is. Wahaha.

Today. (:
Song's 6 months, by Hey Monday.

This is just a random post really, I'm uber bored.
T_T

Laters, gotta go fetch my bro from tuition.
Yea, driving without a license.
Woot!
;P

2009-04-23T17:29:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Revenge Is Sweeter Than You Ever Were

So. Today at gym I decided to go downstairs & do my workout instead of the usual ladies room. N'way, there was this dance class going on in the energy studio. It was sure fun to see some guy instructing the class & shaking his ass. God, talk about gay. Pkai pink lak tuh. Sumpah nak pcah prut aku than glak. Imagine how Nad & Amin will be if they were there. Especially Amin, & his laugh yg xle bla one. Wahahaha. But then again, he has a phittt body wey. T_T

2009-04-21T14:04:00.002+08:00

Currently tuning into: The Veronicas - Untouched

So I woke up this morning at 8 sumthing, happily telling mummy let's go gym. Don't ask me why I woke up so early, thanks to a ym fight last night with syg, I excused myself in saying I wanted to go to sleep, cuz basically, I was kinda out of words to say or in this case, type. Lol. But after that he called & then asked me to go to sleep wtf. So, I had to pakse myself to sleep at 1 sumthing, after all those nights of sleeping after 4. T_T

N'way, went back to sleep fer a while, since I was only going out at 10. Woke up & went to the bathroom to wash up, only to suddenly feel this piercing pain in my tummy, causing me to sink onto the toliet seat clutching my tummy & preventing myself from screaming. Looked like some woman who was suffering from a miscarriage WTF. Ahaha. N'way, went down to mummy to tell her xjd gi gym but she was obviously shocked to see how white & pale my face looked. So after a few painkillers & green tea I went back to sleep. Wtf haha. Now my tummy's still suffering from cramps though. ):

Meanwhile, a few nights back I got so bored & kinda school sick so I dug out my school uniform & started camwhoring. Ahaha.

Oh.
I still don't understand why men are such pigs. U have so many loved ones in front of you & yet you choose to find another. Oh fyi I'm not talking about my boyf, but someone else. Most men are so greedy, it's no wonder we call them pigs. Lmao. Haihs. Hampeh tol.

Driving test's tmrw. I'm feeling confident this time, I hope I pulled through. Actually had fun during lessons yesterday, hope it'll be just as fun tmrw.

2009-04-20T00:25:00.003+08:00

Currently tuning into: Unknown artist - Flying Free

6 months.
It's already half a yr.
Time sure flies.

I love you, so so much, no one can imagine just how much I love you.
But there are some things I need to sort out & set straight in my head.
We obviously have to clear the mess on the path to continue on.